“I only have two rules when it comes to hookers.  1.  They must be clean.  2.  They must not have had Lou Gehrig before me.  The Babe does not play sloppy seconds!” ~ attributed to Babe Ruth

The above photo shows the Great Yankee Wall of Honor inside Yankee Stadium.  Note:  The Wall of Honor continues to refuse to give Kevin Maas his rightful place in the Yankee echelon.

Tonight the Yankees continued their series against the Minnesota Twins.  The Yanks started CC “Me eat!” Sabathia (1-0 5.59) while the Twins started former phenom but now sore-armed loser Francisco Liriano (0-2 11.91).

The Twins got on the board first when Josh Willingham homered to deep center.    The Yankees came back in the bottom of the second when Curtis Granderson walked and went to second on a balk.  He then scored on a Brett Gardner ground rule double.

1-1 after two innings.

Minnesota picked up two run in the top of the third when Clete Thomas (who entered the game after Denard Span was ejected along with manager Ron Gardenhire for arguing a call strike) doubled to left scoring Alexi Casilla.  Jamey Carroll then singled to shallow right scoring Thomas.  3-1 twins after 2 1/2.

The Yankees broke out in the bottom of the inning for four runs.  Nunez singled home Andrew Jones (who was playing right field because of the space-time dislocation – more on that later).  Yankee backup catcher Chris Stewart singled home Granderson and Nunez.  Derek “Who needs Minka Kelly?” Jeter then hit a sacrifice fly to right scoring Gardner.

5-3 Yankees after three.

The Yankees scored in the bottom of the fourth when Andrew Jones hit a solo home run.

6-3 Yankees after four.

In the bottom of the fifth Derek “Did I say who needs Minka Kelly?  I’m a fool” Jeter singled home Brett Gardner.

7-3 Yankees after five innings.

And the final scoring in the game happened in the bottom of the seventh when Chris Stewart singled home Brett Gardner.

Final score:  Yankees 8 Minnesota 3.

Notes on the game:

It was announced before the game that Mark Teixeira had been scratched from the lineup because of “flu-like symptoms.”   Tex confirmed this by telling reporters, “It hurts when I pee and my balls are on fire.  What?  Oh, yeah.  Flu-like symptoms.  That’s what it is.” 

This necessitated moving Nick Swisher to first base and putting Andrew Jones in right field.

But was this the real reason for the move?  Scientists postulate an effect they like to call the “Let’s make shit up so we continue to get funding effect.”  And in the spirit of this I will now make some shit up.

What if Tex’s “flu-like symptoms” were caused by sleeping with a Secret Service agent just back from South America?  What if these “flu-like symptoms” opened up a tear in the fabric of space-time?

What if this tear in the fabric of space-time caused a copy of Andrew Jones circa 2005 to play for the Yankees on April 17, 2012? This copy of Andrew I will call “Mr. Steroids.”    Mr. Steroids hit 51 home runs that year.  Perhaps this is why he hit a home run tonight?

What if this tear in the space-time continuum caused the YES network to broadcast the game to the planet Vulcan where baseball-crazy Vulcans could argue that it was illogical for Gardenhire to argue the call strike and get ejected? And all this – the Vulcans, the copy of Andrew Jones – all this was caused by Mark Teixeira’s dripping penis.

It’s just a theory mind you.  But a theory that has settled science behind it.  As noted physicist Albert Einstein once said, “I ain’t paying you to dance honey.  Now strip or I shoot your husband.”

Reader mail:

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “Greetings from London, England.  I asked a bartender in the pub to put the Yankee game on the telly.  He refused.  So I carved his skin off with a plastic knife.”

Um.  You’ve been living in Brooklyn too long M.B.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I too have ‘flu-like symptoms’  How can I get this fixed without the wife finding out?”

Sheep dip, L.K.  Sheep dip.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “How long do I have to stay in the pool before my ‘flu-like symptoms’ drown?”

As long as it takes D.B.

S.J. of Harlem writes, “I like pancakes.”

Do you pancakes have flu-like symptoms?

Recommended reading material:

Dagger John:  The unquiet life and times of Archbishop John Hughes of New York.

And so my record so far stands at 1-1.  My next game is Sunday April 29th against the Detroit “Is it too late to move to the Pontiac Silverdome” Tigers.

Go Yankees!

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“40 hot dogs and seven hookers.  Or was that 40 hookers and seven hot dogs?  No wonder my stomach hurts” ~ attributed to Babe Ruth.

Baseball 2012 has arrived.  Normally I don’t like to go to night baseball in April – the nights are too cold and I have a good relationship with my testicles and would like them to remain in the fully unretracted position.  However the starting temperature at game time was 88 degrees.  Global warming?  Polar bears drowning?  Batman gay?  Al Gore right?  Nah, Al Gore is still a lying putz who made himself a multimillionaire on the backs of one of the world’s largest scams.

The above photo is of the Yankee starter Freddy “Soon to be designated for assignment when Andy Pettitte comes back” Garcia warming up before the game.  The Minnesota “Yah, you betcha” Twins countered with former Yankee pitcher Carl Pavano (shown here in his true form), or as he is affectionately known in New York, the anti-Christ.

The game got off to a rocky start for the Yankee as Freddy “Designated for assignment the moment Andy Pettitte gets back” Garcia gave up two runs on three hits in the top of the first.  After Joe “Not a superstar anymore” Mauer doubled, Josh Willingham singled him home.  Willingham moved to third on Justin Morneau’s single.  Willingham then scored on Ryan Doumit’s single.

In the bottom of the first Derek “I inherited Mariano Rivera’s male pattern baldness” Jeter hit a home run into the right field bleachers on the second pitch of the game.  Curtis Granderson then hit a towering home run into the upper deck.  Alex Rodriguez singled and went to second on a throwing error.  He later scored on Mark “White Hispanic” Teixeira’s single.  3-2 Yankees after one.

After that both pitchers appeared to settle down.  But then in the top of the fifth Freddy “Just keeping a spot on the bench warm until Andy Pettitte arrives” Garcia gave up two runs.  4-3 Minnesota after five.

In the top of the sixth Freddy “Who is this Andy Pettitte you keep mentioning to me?” Garcia gave up a lead-off home run to Justin Morneau that landed in the batter’s eye in center field.  Garcia was mercifully pulled after 5 2/3 innings after allowing nine hits and five runs.

5-3 Twins after six.

The Twins scored two more in the top of the eight.  But who cares how they scored.  I mean, does it matter?  Does it?  Does it?  Carl “I am the anti-Christ” Pavano had won.  Seeing that he won only 9 games in four years in New York (that’s almost five million per win) this was enough to make the bleacher creatures burn down the visiting locker room.

Notes on the game:

The first pitch was thrown out by an inanimate carbon rod. Stupid inanimate carbon rod! If they wanted something inanimate to throw out the first pitch at least get John Tesh to do it. I mean sometimes he’s amazingly life like (and he’s probably cheaper than the stupid carbon rod.)

In keeping with the freakishly warm temperatures for April during the fourth inning a polar bear perched precariously atop a melting ice flow drifted onto the field. Unfortunately for the Yankees Curtis Granderson missed the cut off man and the bear scored.

Now how are the Yankees going to do this year?  Well, besides the fact that Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez are very very very old, Mark “White Hispanic” Teixeira has discovered his inner Jason Giambia and can’t hit above .240 and future superstar Jesus Montero was traded to Seattle the big question will be our starting rotation.  We could have traded Montero to Seattle in 2010 for Cliff Lee.  Now there is no guarantee we would have won it all then or that Lee wouldn’t have signed with Philadelphia after the season but at least we’d be trading Montero for a proven commodity.  But he was “too valuable” so the trade did not go through.

So what does Brian “You come here often honey” Cashman do during the winter?  He trades Montero for a pitcher who’s had one half of one good year.  And sure enough Michael Pineda, after a horrible spring training starts the year on the DL for the Yankees.  Pineda it seems has channeled his inner Nick Johnson.

Why bring back Andy Pettitte?  Who’s next?  Whitey Ford?

It’s too early to panic.  Baseball doesn’t really matter until after Memorial Day anyway.  Here is my prediction for the AL East:

1.  Tampa Bay Rays
2. New York Yankees
3. Toronto Blue Jays
4. Boston Red Sox
5. Baltimore Orioles.

Recommended reading material:

The Filioque.  History of a Doctrinal Controversy by A. Edward Siecienski

So I start the year at 0-1.  My next game is Tuesday April 17th against the self-same Minnesota Twins.

Go Yankees!

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