31 Jul 12

Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson Break Up; Was the Tea Party Responsible?

In news that shocked the world, everyone’s favorite couple broke up.

After spending the entire weekend tirelessly investigating this story ~~sending tweets to Stewart saying “You like older men?”~~ I have found the real reason for the breakup: The Tea Party! In the week since the shootings in Aurora by Tea Party activist and madman Jim Holmes (pictured here) I have wondered ~~should I send Kristen Stewart a picture of my penis?~~ what’s next for the Tea Party? A mass shooting will not be enough for these reprobates. And then the news of Stewart and Pattinson. Breaking up Hollywood’s power couple would be in keeping with the modus operandi of the Tea Party.

Consider the facts, dear readers. Incontrovertible, undeniable facts that will only be found here. Yes, again I have scooped the worthless MSM.

The Tea Party is composed of madmen who deny core American values such as higher taxes and socialism.
The Tea Party is responsible for the Red Sox winning two out of three from the Yankees last weekend. (Like I said, the Tea Party are madmen.)
The Tea Party are racists (as proven by a photo of a recent Tea Party Rally I have pulled from the internet).
Tea Party members eat at Chick-fil-A.
Tea Party members often travel to the North Pole to shoot adorable polar bears as they are drowning.
Tea Party members are robots who do not believe in love.
A recent Tea Party manifesto declared its intention to defeat Barack Obama.
Robert Pattinson is an English Twit.

So let’s recapitulate all the facts that I was able to glean after a weekend of investigative reporting ~~sitting around in my underwear drinking cans of beer and tweeting Kristen Stewart.~~

Tea Party members are racists who hate taxes, socialism and redistribution of wealth. They shoot polar bears and like the Red Sox. They eat at Chick-fil-A, possibly after shooting a polar bear or rooting for the Red Sox. They may also be Nazis and/or robots. Robots who do not believe in love, hope or change. And most importantly, and not to be underestimated, Robert Pattinson is an English twit.

And so once again, having scooped the mainstream media I will bask in the glory of my journalistic skills by reading Virgil (in the original Latin) ~~sitting around in my underwear drinking cans of beer and looking at pictures of Kristen Stewart~~.

And so dear readers, when I win my Nobel prize for investigative journalism I will thank each and every one of my readers (assuming that all four are out of prison.)

Manhattan Infidel

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30 Jul 12

The Chick-fil-A Siege

Tensions ran high in the city of Boston as reports first came in of the attack on the besieged Chick-fil-A, ordered by Boston Mayor Thomas Menino.

The trouble first started when Chick-fil-A President Dan T. Cathy made comments that were interpreted as hate crimes to the LGBT community. Menino then ordered all Chick-fil-A restaurants seized and sent a telegram to Cathy saying that he was ready to enter into negotiations for the transfer of all of their restaurants to the City.

On July 20th the regional manager of Chick-fil-A sent the following telegram to Cathy:

I have the honor to report that I have removed myself and my entire Chick-fil-A staff to another restaurant that I believe is more secure. Angry crowds were gathering around the restaurant I abandoned and I feared for the life of my staff. I have spiked all the wraps, except the Spicy Chicken Wraps which can be used as weapons against the hostiles. The step which I have taken was, in my opinion, necessary to prevent the effusion of blood.

Cathy responded with the following telegram:

Intelligence has reached me here this morning that you have abandoned a Chick-fil-A, spiked your wraps, excepting the Spicy Chicken Wraps which can be used as weapons, burned the deluxe chicken sandwiches and chicken nuggets and moved to safer location. It is not believed because there is no order for any such movement. Explain the meaning of this report.

To which the regional manager said:

The telegram is correct. I abandoned the Chick-fil-A because I was certain that if attacked my men, and the wraps, excepting the Spicy Chicken Wraps which can be used as weapons, must have been sacrificed and the Chick-fil-A lost. If attacked the employees would never have surrendered without a fight. Well, excepting the college kids who are all worthless.

After holding out several days in the new location, with supplies running low and almost out of Spicy Chicken Wraps which can be used as weapons. Mayor Menino, under a flag of truce sent the following message to the besieged Chick-fil-A location:

SIR: I herewith demand an immediate surrender of the Chick-fil-A at this location and a delivery to me of the keys, special sauces and especially the Spicy Chicken Wraps that can be used as weapons. I am already proceeding to surround the restaurant with a strong detachment of tolerant liberals. I make this demand in the name of the City of Boston and by virtue of our superior values.

The response from the Chick-fil-A was:

I am constrained to comply with your demand for the surrender of this Chick-fil-A, from the fact that I have no force for its defense being stocked with only useless college kids and running low on my supply of Spicy Chicken Wraps that can be used as weapons. I do so, however, solemnly protesting against the illegality of the measure in the name of Chick-fil-A. Eat more chicken!

The surrender of the Chick-fil-A has sent shock waves throughout the fast food community. There is now talk of a Spicy Chicken Wrap gap. Other fast food restaurants have called for mobilization of their chicken wraps and a Spicy Chicken Wrap war seems imminent.

This hasn’t fazed Mayor Menino who told reporters that “There is one thing I will not tolerate. And that is intolerance. I’m very intolerant of intolerance. Besides, f#@% ’em. I have the chicken wraps now.”

President Obama has appealed for calm and is considering calling Congress into a special session to deal with the emergency.

(572)

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27 Jul 12

My Exclusive Interview with the Guy from Ghost – No not Patrick Swayze – the Other Guy – You Know the One who was Killed by a Shard of Glass

Today at Manhattan Infidel is I believe a first. I am pleased to interview a fictional character. And a dead one at that. I present to my readers the dead investment banker Carl Bruner.

MI: Carl, welcome to Manhattan Infidel.

CB: Thank you. It’s nice to be here.

MI: Tell us about yourself.

CB: Well I’m an investment banker. And a crooked one at that.

MI: Surprise surprise.

CB: I was running a scam at work and taking money from several accounts. Millions actually. One day my best friend Sam discovered the discrepancies and told me about them. I promised I would investigate it. Funny story there. I actually had placed the money in an account under Sam’s control and I needed his access codes so I could transfer the money to another account so I hired this guy Willie Lopez to get the information and he ends up killing Sam.

MI: Wow. So you’re a real scumbag.

CB: Well, like I said I am an investment banker. And it’s not like I knew Willie would kill Sam.

MI: Isn’t Willie Puerto Rican?

CB: Yes. I believe he is.

MI: So how did you not know he wouldn’t kill him?

CB: That’s quite a racist statement.

MI: Yes, but I’m a liberal so I can say things like that.

CB: Touché

MI: So what happened next?

CB: Well I was at the office one night trying to access Sam’s account but I couldn’t because I still didn’t have the access codes. And I’m starting to freak out.

MI: Well why didn’t you just ask the I.T. department for it. I mean the guy’s dead. Just tell them you are in charge of his accounts now.

CB: [Pause] Um. I didn’t think of that.

MI: So you’re not only crooked but you’re apparently an idiot as well.

CB: Well, I am an investment banker.

MI: So you couldn’t get the codes?

CB: No and then something really freaky happened. Sam’s computer started to type by itself. It must have been Sam as a ghost coming back to haunt me. That’s the only possible explanation.

MI: Not necessarily. It could have been someone remoting into his computer with a software program like DameWare.

CB: [Pause] Um, I didn’t think of that either.

MI: Man you really are an idiot. So what happened next?

CB: To make a long story short I chased his girlfriend and this very ugly black woman until a shard of glass fell on me and killed me.

MI: Tough way to go.

CB: Yeah, and then these howling demons showed up.

MI: How did you know they were demons?

CB: They were evil. And cold. Very cold. I’ve never sensed such coldness and evil. So they must have been demons. There’s no other explanation.

MI: Not necessarily. They might have been from the TSA.

CB: [Pause] Um. I never thought of that.

MI: God you are such an – you know I’m not even going to go there. So what happened next?

CB: Well these howling cold things said that they were going to drag me to a place of no hope. A place of despair and eternal torture.

MI: So they took you to hell?

CB: Actually no. They took me to Poughkeepsie, New York. That’s where I’ve been spending my afterlife.

MI: How’s that working out for you?

CB: The competition is cut-throat. Lots of investment bankers there.

MI: Really?

CB: It seems the afterlife for the damned is mainly filled with investment bankers and bloggers.

MI: Um. Bloggers?

CB: Yes. Where did you think bloggers go when they die? Certainly not heaven.

MI: [Pause] Um. I didn’t think of that.

CB: God you are such an idiot.

And so went my interview with the guy from Ghost. No, not Patrick Swayze but the other guy. The one who was killed by a shard of glass. Now if you excuse me I have to find a loophole in this whole “bloggers go to hell” thing.

(512)

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26 Jul 12

Baghdad Bob Named New Head of DNC!

In news that shocked everyone in Washington, the Democratic National Committee has replaced its Chairperson, Debbie Wasserman Schultz with Muhammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, better know to an earlier generation as “Bagdad Bob.”

“We were all fond of Debbie” said DNC executive director Patrick Gaspard. “But we felt she lacked the aggressiveness to combat those who oppose his eminence President Obama and his government. Bob is perfect for us.”

At his introductory press conference Muhammed promised a new “air of civility and a commitment to veracity.”

When asked about President Obama’s low poll numbers he said:

These villains, and particularly the villains Bush and Romney will try to defeat President Barack Obama. Not only are they disappointed I think they are hysterical. President Obama is riding 99% positive poll numbers!

The next question that was asked was about the unemployment rate.

Don’t believe the racist teabaggers when they talk of high unemployment. They claim that they – I tell you…I……those unemployment numbers are too far from reality. It it part of the Republicans’ sickness. Unemployment has never been lower. President Obama’s wise policies have created a socialist worker’s paradise.

When pressed about the strength of Romney, the Republicans and the Tea Party al-Sahhaf said:

The stupid enemy, the Republicans and the tea baggers have failed miserably. They are not any place. They are a snake moving in the desert. They hold no place in America. This is an illusion.

al-Sahhaf was then asked about the continuing momentum of the Tea Party movement and that, his assurances to the contrary, they have wide support.

There is no presence of tea baggers in the United States.

He then held up a picture of President Obama at a cabinet meeting.

There. You see. No tea baggers. There is nothing going on. And if we do perchance find a tea bagger they will be burnt. We will tackle them and finish them off.

As the press conference ended a beaming Gaspard told reporters, “You see why we love this man! He tells it like it is!”

(784)

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25 Jul 12

From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: January 20, 2013. Obama Gives his Second Inaugural Address

Editor’s note: The months leading up to President Obama’s second inaugural address were fraught with tension. Twenty five states seceded from the Union. Ten more were on the verge of secession or had declared federal laws “null and void.” It was in this context that the Great Leader amidst unprecedented security to protect him from unhinged and racist teabaggers took the oath of office.

My fellow Americans. In a custom as old as the Government itself I appear before you briefly to address you and take the oath prescribed by the Constitution. A document, I remind you that is old and unfit for the needs of the times. A document, I remind you, that was written by racist slaveholders. A document, I remind you, that contains no positive rights. A document, I remind you, that instead is a negative recitation of what the Government cannot do.

I do not consider it necessary at the present time to discuss those matters of administration about which there is no special anxiety or excitement.

I shall take care, as the Constitution expressly enjoins upon me, that the laws of the Federal Government, excepting immigration laws which are racist, be faithfully executed in all the States.

In doing this there will be bloodshed and violence and the National Authority, as represented by me, will force compliance to Federal laws. Excepting, as previously stated, racist immigration laws.

For my fellow citizens, I call upon Latinos and all Democrats to punish the other, who is their enemy.

Email and internet service will continue to be furnished in all parts of the Union. For now. But let me give this warning: Do not use your so-called freedoms to further disobey your Government.

Plainly the central idea of secession is the essence of anarchy and disobedience to the will of the Government. A majority, held in restraint by the policing powers of the Federal government, is the only true sovereign of a free people.

Let’s talk about my healthcare reform.

I do not forget the position assumed by some that Constitutional questions are to be decided by the Supreme Court. Well, they have. Under the taxing and penalty powers of the Constitution healthcare reform is legal. And I intend to enlarge the taxing and penalty powers of this government to enforce its will.

One section of our Country believes that Federalism is right and that the powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

Now let me tell you something. I taught Constitutional law. I am a constitutional scholar. And the tenth amendment is wrong. It is used, it has always been used, as an excuse to disobey the Federal Government.

The Chief Magistrate, who is myself, derives all his authority from the Federal Government. I am placed here to rule wisely over my people.

You say you have natural rights. You didn’t create your rights. Somebody along the line gave you your rights. The point is that when we have rights these rights succeed because we do things together.

In your hands, my dissatisfied teabaggers, is the momentous issue of civil war. The Government will assail you. You yourselves are the aggressors.

I am loathe to close. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of the Federal Government. The mystic chords of the dreams of my father, stretching from every battlefield in Kenya, will yet swell the chorus of the Federal Government, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of the Democratic Party.

(472)

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24 Jul 12

The Obama Effect: The Director's Cut

As all of you are now probably aware, the blockbuster ~~straight to DVD~~ movie The Obama Effect has recently opened. I found it to be a compelling movie about one man and his struggle to maintain the position of his business among the five families in New York. Especially after that bastard Tessio betrayed him to Barzini. No wait, wrong movie.

Well, lo and behold, I now find out that there is an unreleased “Director’s Cut” of this gem ~~stinkburger~~ of a movie. I was fortunate enough to see the Director’s Cut. And believe me it is a much different movie. A much better, in my opinion, movie.

The Director’s Cut begins with Charles S. Dutton’s character, John Thomas viewing late-night lesbian porn. He is obviously enjoying himself but there is a nagging doubt in his mind: Is watching girl-on-girl action all there is? Can there be more to life? Am I wasting my time watching hot girl-on-girl, especially hot Asian girl-on-girl action?

Note: The answer is obviously no. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a goddamn idiot. But I digress. Back to the Director’s Cut.

While attempting to multitask (watching three hot girl-on-girl, especially three hot Asian girl-on-girl movies on three monitors) Dutton suffers a major heart attack and is hospitalized.

Note: I, the Manhattan Infidel can personally vouch that watching three hot girl-on-girl, especially three hot Asian girl-on-girl flicks, can elevate the heart rate to dangerous levels. Er, I mean give to your favorite charity. Especially if it involves orphans. But I digress. Back to the Director’s Cut.

While in the hospital, Dutton again questions the direction his life has taken. Praying for a sign he is visited in his hospital room by the ghost of Liberace and has this revealing exchange with him.

Dutton: Liberace. What’s it all about? What is the meaning of life? Am I missing something?

Liberace: I’ll tell you what it’s all about. Don’t f### your chauffeur! Goddamn Thorson tried to sue me for 113 million in palimony! I tell you when he dies and joins me in hell I’m going to feed his damn dick to the wolverines!

Dutton: So, what you’re saying is?

Liberace: Hello? What are you? An idiot? Don’t f### your chauffeur!

Energized by his conversation with Liberace Dutton decides to dedicate his life to making sure no one f###s their chauffeur. Back at work he goes into his boss’s office and quits.

Boss man: You’re quitting over this? You’re going to dedicate your life to making sure no one f###s their chauffeur? Are you crazy?

Dutton: Well, that and I’m quitting because you’re a Decepticon! A goddamn Decepticon!

Dutton and his Boss Man then engage in a thrilling action-packed fight over the fate of humanity.

The end.

I personally found the Director’s Cut to be a fascinating movie. Much better than the one most people have seen. Now as to why Dutton chose to make these changes I cannot speculate on that. Perhaps he was getting heat from the studio. In any event if you can get your hands on the Director’s Cut. I recommend you watch it.

Note: Just don’t watch it while viewing three hot girl-on-girl movies. Especially three hot Asian girl-on-girl movies. You might have a heart attack.

(484)

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23 Jul 12

Manhattan Infidel Solidifies his Mainstream Media Credentials

Like most bloggers I struggle to make a living, hoping one day that I can gain acceptance by my haughty superiors in the mainstream media. Well, I think that day has finally arrived. ~~Exploiting~~ reporting on the tragedy in Colorado where a crazed, hate-filled racist teabagger opened fire in a cinema I was able to gather the following facts after I called up the alleged suspect, Jim Holmes, of Aurora, Colorado.

MI: Am I speaking with Jim Holmes of Aurora, Colorado? The same Jim Holmes who is a racist teabagger?

JH: Um. This is Jim Holmes. Whom am I talking to?

MI: This is the famous Manhattan Infidel. You’ve no doubt heard of me.

JH: No, I haven’t.

MI: Oh like I’m going to believe a teabagger. Why did you open fire in the movie theater?

JH: That wasn’t me!

MI: So you still insist you are innocent? A racist teabager claiming to be innocent? Why don’t I believe you?

BR: Manhattan Infidel, excuse me. This is Brian Ross of ABC News. I have further information that may be of interest.

MI: Yes, Brian Ross. Go ahead.

BR: I have here a phone book, a Honolulu phone book from December 1941. There is a Jim Holmes in this phone book. What was his connection to the sneak attack on December 7th? Perhaps he was a Japanese spy.

MI: Good work, Brian Ross. Definitely a great scoop.

JH: What are you talking about? I wasn’t even born then.

MI: Why did you become a teabagger Mr. Holmes? Was it your hatred of minorities?

JH: Oh come on!

BR: Manhattan Infidel. It’s Brian Ross again. I have further information that may be relevant.

MI: Yes, go ahead.

JH: I have a listing of boxes in Ford’s Theater in Washington in April 1865 and one was owned by a Jim Holmes. Perhaps he was involved in the assassination of President Lincoln?

MI: Makes sense to me. A racist teabagger would have good reason to shoot the man responsible for the Emancipation Proclamation.

JH: Oh please. This is ridiculous. I’m going to hang up now.

BR: Manhattan Infidel, I have more information on Jim Holmes. Shocking information if I may say so.

MI: Go ahead Brian.

BR: I have in my hand a book called the bible. It says that the woman Eve was tempted by the Devil. Now I’m pretty sure this so-called Devil was another name for Jim Holmes.

MI: Excellent work Brian. So Mr. Holmes, do you deny your responsibility for original sin?

JH: Goodbye. [Hangs up.]

MI: That was excellent work Brian Ross. Excellent work and I thank you.

BR: I was glad to help. You know, Manhattan Infidel, as a blogger you aren’t that different than we in the mainstream media. Your dedication to unsubstantiated rumors is quite impressive. I shall speak to my superiors about having you hired.

MI: Thank you. I’m honored. And humbled.

BR: Now if you excuse me Manhattan Infidel I must leave to work on another groundbreaking story.

MI: Anything you want to share with my readers?

BR: Apparently the Sun has just set in the west. Reports are still sketchy but I’m pretty sure the racist tea party and racist Jim Holmes are responsible.

BR: I look forward to the reports.

And there you have it readers. I will probably be blogging less in the future as my work for ABC news will be taking up most of my time.

Yours sincerely,

Manhattan Infidel, mainstream media reporter.

(603)

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20 Jul 12

Fred Willard Bust Shows Porn Theaters Adjusting to the Times

Once a staple of all cities, porn theaters have fallen upon hard times. Overcome by rapidly developing technologies such as the internet and hand held devices, old fashioned triple x-rated movie theaters have almost become extinct. But yesterday’s bust of Hollywood legend Fred Willard for allegedly exposing himself in such a theater shows that they are making a comeback.

Triple x-rated theaters have tried many gimmicks to keep the customers coming. Said the manager of the Tiki Theater and Symposium where Willard was busted:

What with modern technology we had to do things to bring the customers back in. I mean, if you can just sit at home streaming porn why go to a theater? So we started using promotions. Monday night was “All you can eat popcorn” night. That seemed to be real popular. Though for some reason we couldn’t recycle the bags. They all had holes in the bottom. Tuesday night was “Salute to Law Enforcement’ night. Customers could have their photos taken with local police. Though strangely that promotion wasn’t very popular. Wednesday was “Ladies” night. We had to cancel that. No ladies showed up. At least none without penises. Thursday was “Family” night. Well, that didn’t work out either. It seems our customers didn’t want to bring their wives and children. So actually none of our promotions worked but the point is we were thinking outside the box, which you have to do sometimes.

But with the bust of Willard the manager is hoping to increase business.

We’ve had lots of Hollywood superstars in here before: George Michael, John Travolta, Bob Barker, Justin Bieber. But none wanted to leave their head shots. But now that Willard’s been arrested this is great publicity for us. We’re hoping now to get onto one of those celebrity tours that are all over Hollywood. I’ve already made brochures for when the bus stops. The tourists are welcome to come in as long as they bring their own popcorn.

As for the Hollywood community itself, it is rallying behind one of their own. Paul Reubens, aka Pee Wee Herman, who suffered his own porn theater bust has expressed his support:

I extend my hand to Mr. Willard. Um, just let me wash it first.

But not everyone is firm in their support of Willard. Politics has raised its ugly head. From the campaign trail, President Obama had this to say about the Willard bust:

If you are masturbating, someone along the line gave you some help. Pornographic movies didn’t get invented on their own. The point is, that when we masturbate, we masturbate because of our individual initiative, but also because we do things together. There are some thing we don’t do on our own. So I ask the American voter to fight the Republicans and their war on circle jerks.

As for the man at the center of the storm, Fred Willard had no comment. He only requested that reporters respect his privacy and if they had any new popcorn bags to give them to him.

(437)

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19 Jul 12

How to Safely Observe Obama

It is a presidential election year in America where the candidates for the Democratic and Republican parties fan out across our great country giving speeches to the public. But with the speeches comes a disturbing phenomenon.

All throughout 2008 there were reports of a rapturous populous collapsing during Obama’s speeches. And with the recent fainting of 20 at an Obama speech in Roanoke, Virginia it seems history is repeating itself in 2012.

Concerned for the well-being of Americans and not wishing anyone to be inconvenienced at an Obama campaign event I have devised the following fool-proof way to avoid fainting in the presence of our President.

Do not stare directly at Obama!

Be forewarned that President Obama’s dazzling brilliancy is dangerous for mere mortals. Just one fraction of one second of exposure to the undiluted Obama can sear your eye’s retina irreparably and lead to a fainting spell. Staring directly at the Obama is dangerous without approved Obama safety equipment.

So practice “Safe Obama.” Never look directly at him. Not with your eyes. Not with binoculars and certainly not with your heart and soul.

The image of Obama can be treacherous for the inexperienced. During an Obama speech his rhetoric of hope and change will physically create a bright ring (“annulus“) around the President that is most dangerous. Your eye will be fooled by the relative darkness of President Obama’s profile but this dangerous “annulus” will appear and before you know it you are swooning from his hope-filled rhetoric and fainting will ensue.

How can I safely view Obama?

If you are planning on going to an Obama campaign rally you may be asking yourself “How can I safely view my President without fainting?” What is the proper optical viewing material?

Obama Glasses

Obama glasses are specially marketed for the express purpose of safe Obama viewing and can be bought online or at a neighborhood convenience store. As this photo, taken during a recent Obama campaign event shows, wearing Obama glasses will enable one to look directly at Obama without fainting.

Create a pinhole camera

Most of us at one time or another in grade school have created a pinhole camera as a science project. A pinhole camera is an excellent way to view the Obama without risk of fainting. Simply use a cardboard box with aluminum tape, punch a tiny hole in the box and you will be able to view Obama for hours on end.

And there you have it readers. Remember, hope and change rhetoric may be powerful but in its undiluted form will dazzle and obscure our mere mortal senses, leading to fainting and/or blindness. By following the steps that I have provided you should be able to enjoy your hope and change.

Happy Obama viewing everyone!

(400)

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18 Jul 12

U.S. Navy to Modernize

The United States Navy has announced that starting with the Gerald Ford aircraft carrier, due to be commissioned in 2015, its ships will no longer be equipped with urinals.

“The Navy has always been about two things” declared Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus. “Defending America and gender equality.”

The decision to have only toilets and not urinals on ships reflects the Navy’s decision to change its culture to reflect the values of the 21st century.

In a communique to all active Navy personnel, Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Jonathan W. Greenert said:

Today is a great day in the history of the Navy. We have entered the 21st century and left behind a testosterone-laden culture of war. We are the new Navy. A peaceful Navy. A sensitive Navy. A urinal-free Navy. With woman taking their place alongside non-women in a gender neutrality and equality we have decided that urinals reeked of manly oppression. Accordingly we have eliminated them. I know that all our personnel will join me in welcoming this change.

To ensure that future Navy personnel have time to acclimatize to this change, boot camps as well as the Naval academy will now require non-female recruits to attend classes on how to urinate while sitting down. Non-female recruits will be graded on basics such as tucking their weapon of war, aka penis, between their legs, posture and esprit de corps while in a squatting position.

All active duty Navy personnel will also be required to bleed five days a month with the exception of those with a rank of Lieutenant Commander or higher who will only be required to bleed two days a month.

All guns on board Navy ships will also be redesigned to reflect peace loving biology. Said Greenert:

If you notice guns tend to be shaped like penises. This is unfortunate. The penis is a biological weapon of war, hatred and oppression. Studies show that men who regularly handle guns become used to war. They become efficient at it. This is also unfortunate. Accordingly all guns will be redesigned to reflect vaginal biology. Psychological experts employed by the Navy have proven that guns shaped like this will lead to peace.

Despite widespread acceptance of the new directives amongst personnel many argue that redesigning guns to reflect female biology will make them inefficient and their projectiles non-aerodynamic. According to Greenert this is a risk the Navy is willing to take.

“If it leads to defeat so be it. As long as the defeat makes us feel better about ourselves.”

The Navy has also announced their new slogan which will appear in all recruiting commercials: The Navy. We squat for peace.

(2235)

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Manhattan Infidel

Now with twice the cleaning power!

Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson Break Up; Was the Tea Party Responsible?

The Chick-fil-A Siege

My Exclusive Interview with the Guy from Ghost – No not Patrick Swayze – the Other Guy – You Know the One who was Killed by a Shard of Glass

Baghdad Bob Named New Head of DNC!

From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: January 20, 2013. Obama Gives his Second Inaugural Address

The Obama Effect: The Director's Cut

Manhattan Infidel Solidifies his Mainstream Media Credentials

Fred Willard Bust Shows Porn Theaters Adjusting to the Times

How to Safely Observe Obama

U.S. Navy to Modernize

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Last night I went through another one of my horrible experiences. Many years ago I was bitten by a werewolf. Now, whenever the full moon rises I turn into a wolf myself.

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