The Chick-fil-A Siege

 How long can Chick-fil-A hold out?

Tensions ran high in the city of Boston as reports first came in of the attack on the besieged Chick-fil-A, ordered by Boston Mayor Thomas Menino.

The trouble first started when Chick-fil-A President Dan T. Cathy made comments that were interpreted as hate crimes to the LGBT community.  Menino then ordered all Chick-fil-A restaurants seized and sent a telegram to Cathy saying that he was ready to enter into negotiations for the transfer of all of their restaurants to the City.

On July 20th the regional manager of Chick-fil-A sent the following telegram to Cathy:

I have the honor to report that I have removed myself and my entire Chick-fil-A staff to another restaurant that I believe is more secure.  Angry crowds were gathering around the restaurant I abandoned and I feared for the life of my staff.  I have spiked all the wraps, except the Spicy Chicken Wraps which can be used as weapons against the hostiles. The step which I have taken was, in my opinion, necessary to prevent the effusion of blood.

Cathy responded with the following telegram:

Intelligence has reached me here this morning that you have abandoned a Chick-fil-A, spiked your wraps, excepting the Spicy Chicken Wraps which can be used as weapons, burned the deluxe chicken sandwiches  and chicken nuggets and moved to safer location.  It is not believed because there is no order for any such movement.  Explain the meaning of this report.

To which the regional manager said:

The telegram is correct.  I abandoned the Chick-fil-A because I was certain that if attacked my men, and the wraps, excepting the Spicy Chicken Wraps which can be used as weapons, must have been sacrificed and the Chick-fil-A lost.  If attacked the employees would never have surrendered without a fight.  Well, excepting the college kids who are all worthless.

After holding out several days in the new location, with supplies running low and almost out of Spicy Chicken Wraps which can be used as weapons. Mayor Menino, under a flag of truce sent the following message to the besieged Chick-fil-A location:

SIR:  I herewith demand an immediate surrender of the Chick-fil-A at this location and a delivery to me of the keys, special sauces and especially the Spicy Chicken Wraps that can be used as weapons.  I am already proceeding to surround the restaurant with a strong detachment of tolerant liberals.  I make this demand in the name of the City of Boston and by virtue of our superior values.

The response from the Chick-fil-A was:

I am constrained to comply with your demand for the surrender of this Chick-fil-A, from the fact that I have no force for its defense being stocked with only useless college kids and running low on my supply of Spicy Chicken Wraps that can be used as weapons. I do so, however, solemnly protesting against the illegality of the measure in the name of Chick-fil-A.  Eat more chicken!

The surrender of the Chick-fil-A has sent shock waves throughout the fast food community.  There is now talk of a Spicy Chicken Wrap gap.  Other fast food restaurants have called for mobilization of their chicken wraps and a Spicy Chicken Wrap war seems imminent.

This hasn’t fazed Mayor Menino who told reporters that “There is one thing I will not tolerate.  And that is intolerance.  I’m very intolerant of intolerance.  Besides, f#@% ’em.  I have the chicken wraps now.”

President Obama has appealed for calm and is considering calling Congress into a special session to deal with the emergency.


6 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    Seriously digging the insertion of history into this post.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:


    The results of last week must convince you of the hopelessness of further resistance on your part. I feel that it is so, and regard it as my duty to shift from myself the responsibility of any further effusion of blood, by asking of you the surrender of that portion of the blogosphere known as Innominatus.

  3. “I am already proceeding to surround the restaurant with a strong detachment of tolerant liberals!”

    did he find tolerant liberals? I thought they were extinct.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: They do exist. Like vampires and werewolves, that is.

  5. “They are in front of us, behind us, and we are flanked on both sides by an
    enemy that outnumbers our Spicy Chicken Wraps 29 to1. They can’t get away from us now!”

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