Fred Willard Bust Shows Porn Theaters Adjusting to the Times

Porn theaters like this one can fuel America’s economic recovery

Once a staple of all cities, porn theaters have fallen upon hard times.  Overcome by rapidly developing technologies such as the internet and hand held devices, old fashioned triple x-rated movie theaters have almost become extinct.  But yesterday’s bust of Hollywood legend Fred Willard for allegedly exposing himself in such a theater shows that they are making a comeback.

Triple x-rated theaters have tried many gimmicks to keep the customers coming.  Said the manager of the Tiki Theater and Symposium where Willard was busted:

What with modern technology we had to do things to bring the customers back in.  I mean, if you can just sit at home streaming porn why go to a theater?  So we started using promotions. Monday night was “All you can eat popcorn” night.  That seemed to be real popular.  Though for some reason we couldn’t recycle the bags. They all had holes in the bottom.   Tuesday night was “Salute to Law Enforcement’ night.  Customers could have their photos taken with local police.  Though strangely that promotion wasn’t very popular.  Wednesday was  “Ladies” night.  We had to cancel that.  No ladies showed up.  At least none without penises.   Thursday was “Family” night.  Well, that didn’t work out either.  It seems our customers didn’t want to bring their wives and children.  So actually none of our promotions worked but the point is we were thinking outside the box, which you have to do sometimes.

But with the bust of Willard the manager is hoping to increase business.

We’ve had lots of Hollywood superstars in here before:  George Michael, John Travolta, Bob Barker, Justin Bieber.  But none wanted to leave their head shots.  But now that Willard’s been arrested this is great publicity for us.  We’re hoping now to get onto one of those celebrity tours that are all over Hollywood.  I’ve already made brochures for when the bus stops.  The tourists are welcome to come in as long as they bring their own popcorn.

As for the Hollywood community itself, it is rallying behind one of their own.  Paul Reubens, aka Pee Wee Herman, who suffered his own porn theater bust has expressed his support:

I extend my hand to Mr. Willard.  Um, just let me wash it first.

But not everyone is firm in their support of Willard.  Politics has raised its ugly head.  From the campaign trail, President Obama had this to say about the Willard bust:

If you are masturbating, someone along the line gave you some help.  Pornographic movies didn’t get invented on their own.  The point is, that when we masturbate, we masturbate because of our individual initiative, but also because we do things together.  There are some thing we don’t do on our own.  So I ask the American voter to fight the Republicans and their war on circle jerks.

As for the man at the center of the storm, Fred Willard had no comment.  He only requested that reporters respect his privacy and if they had any new popcorn bags to give them to him.

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One Response

  1. Another American icon may be lost forever. How sad!

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