Like most bloggers I struggle to make a living, hoping one day that I can gain acceptance by my haughty superiors in the mainstream media.  Well, I think that day has finally arrived.  Exploiting reporting on the tragedy in Colorado where a crazed, hate-filled racist teabagger opened fire in a cinema I was able to gather the following facts after I called up the alleged suspect, Jim Holmes, of Aurora, Colorado.

MI:  Am I speaking with Jim Holmes of Aurora, Colorado?  The same Jim Holmes who is a racist teabagger?

JH:  Um.  This is Jim Holmes.  Whom am I talking to?

MI:  This is the famous Manhattan Infidel. You’ve no doubt heard of me.

JH:  No, I haven’t.

MI:  Oh like I’m going to believe a teabagger.  Why did you open fire in the movie theater?

JH:  That wasn’t me!

MI: So you still insist you are innocent?  A racist teabager claiming to be innocent? Why don’t I believe you?

BR:  Manhattan Infidel, excuse me.  This is Brian Ross of ABC News.  I have further information that may be of interest.

MI:  Yes, Brian Ross.  Go ahead.

BR: I have here a phone book, a Honolulu phone book from December 1941.  There is a Jim Holmes in this phone book.  What was his connection to the sneak attack on December 7th?  Perhaps he was a Japanese spy.  

MI:  Good work, Brian Ross.  Definitely a great scoop.

JH:  What are you talking about?  I wasn’t even born then.

MI:  Why did you become a teabagger Mr. Holmes?  Was it your hatred of minorities?

JH:  Oh come on!

BR:  Manhattan Infidel.  It’s Brian Ross again.  I have further information that may be relevant.

MI: Yes, go ahead.

JH:  I have a listing of boxes in Ford’s Theater in Washington in April 1865 and one was owned by a Jim Holmes.  Perhaps he was involved in the assassination of President Lincoln?

MI:  Makes sense to me.  A racist teabagger would have good reason to shoot the man responsible for the Emancipation Proclamation.

JH:  Oh please.  This is ridiculous.  I’m going to hang up now.

BR:  Manhattan Infidel, I have more information on Jim Holmes. Shocking information if I may say so.

MI:  Go ahead Brian.

BR:  I have in my hand a book called the bible.  It says that the woman Eve was tempted by the Devil.  Now I’m pretty sure this so-called Devil was another name for Jim Holmes.

MI:  Excellent work Brian.  So Mr. Holmes, do you deny your responsibility for original sin?

JH:  Goodbye.  [Hangs up.]

MI:  That was excellent work Brian Ross.  Excellent work and I thank you.

BR:  I was glad to help.  You know, Manhattan Infidel, as a blogger you aren’t that different than we in the mainstream media.  Your dedication to unsubstantiated rumors is quite impressive.  I shall speak to my superiors about having you hired.

MI: Thank you.  I’m honored.  And humbled.

BR:  Now if you excuse me Manhattan Infidel I must leave to work on another groundbreaking story.

MI:  Anything you want to share with my readers?

BR:  Apparently the Sun has just set in the west.  Reports are still sketchy but I’m pretty sure the racist tea party and racist Jim Holmes are responsible.

BR:  I look forward to the reports.

And there you have it readers.  I will probably be blogging less in the future as my work for ABC news will be taking up most of my time.

Yours sincerely,

Manhattan Infidel, mainstream media reporter.

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