U.S. Navy to Modernize


The United States Navy has announced that starting with the Gerald Ford aircraft carrier, due to be commissioned in 2015, its ships will no longer be equipped with urinals.

“The Navy has always been about two things” declared Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus.  “Defending America and gender equality.”

The decision to have only toilets and not urinals on ships reflects the Navy’s decision to change its culture to reflect the values of the 21st century.

In a communique to all active Navy personnel, Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Jonathan W. Greenert said:

Today is a great day in the history of the Navy.  We have entered the 21st century and left behind a testosterone-laden culture of war.  We are the new Navy.  A peaceful Navy.  A sensitive Navy.  A urinal-free Navy.  With woman taking their place alongside non-women in a gender neutrality and equality we have decided that urinals reeked of manly oppression.  Accordingly we have eliminated them.  I know that all our personnel will join me in welcoming this change.

To ensure that future Navy personnel have time to acclimatize to this change, boot camps as well as the Naval academy will now require non-female recruits to attend classes on how to urinate while sitting down.  Non-female recruits will be graded on basics such as tucking their weapon of war, aka penis,  between their legs, posture and esprit de corps while in a squatting position.

All active duty Navy personnel will also be required to bleed five days a month with the exception of those with a rank of Lieutenant Commander or higher who will only be required to bleed two days a month.

All guns on board Navy ships will also be redesigned to reflect peace loving biology.  Said Greenert:

If you notice guns tend to be shaped like penises.  This is unfortunate.  The penis is a biological weapon of war, hatred and oppression.  Studies show that men who regularly handle guns become used to war.  They become efficient at it.  This is also unfortunate.  Accordingly all guns will be redesigned to reflect vaginal biology.  Psychological experts employed by the Navy have proven that guns shaped like this will lead to peace.

Despite widespread acceptance of the new directives amongst personnel many argue that redesigning guns to reflect female biology will make them inefficient and their projectiles non-aerodynamic.  According to Greenert this is a risk the Navy is willing to take.

“If it leads to defeat so be it.  As long as the defeat makes us feel better about ourselves.”

The Navy has also announced their new slogan which will appear in all recruiting commercials:  The Navy.  We squat for peace.


4 Responses

  1. Matt says:

    Just wait until the government let’s some of these vagina guns “walk” to Mexico. The drug lords will have some credibility problems then.

  2. Will the new navy still refer to bathrooms as “heads”? That could have some different conotations.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: That’s a raaaaaaacist statement.

    Jim: Unfortunately this post was based on a real article. The navy is eliminating urinals. More political correctness run amuck.

  4. Hahaaahaaaa @ Matt.

    Best comment of the month–hands down.

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