23 Jan 13

My Exclusive Interview With an Angel

 Get out of my parking spot, Capish?

When Senator Mark Kirk, returning to work a year after his near-fatal stroke, told colleagues that when he was in a coma angels with New York accents appeared to him it naturally got me to thinking.  Do angels really have New York accents?  So using my contacts on the street I arranged for a meeting with an angel who graciously agreed to sit down to an interview with me.

MI:  Welcome..um…..what should I call you?

Angel:  Yo, just call me Vinnie for now.

MI:  So you do have New York accents. Senator Kirk was right.

Angel:  Most of us are from Noo Yawk.  A few are from Bahstahn.  But we don’t talk about ‘dem.  Dey are a lower order of angels.

MI:  So what does an angel do?

Angel:  We got different jobs, you know.  Me?  I’m a guardian angel, capish?

MI:  Really?  Whose guardian angel are you?

Angel:  Yours, you stronz!

MI: Now there’s no need to resort to name calling.

Angel:  What’dya expect. You ain’t making it easy.  I toin my back one second and ba-da-bing ba-da-boom you’se in an alleyway with the Swedish Olympic basketball team.

MI:  I’m a reporter. I wanted to ask them about their ball handling skills.  It’s a legitimate question. 

Angel:  I suppose.  Excuse me I have to go put some quarters in da meter.

[He goes and puts four quarters in the meter.]

Angel:  That should buy me an hour.

MI:  Wow. Can’t you just wave your wings or something and extend the time on the meter?

Angel:  Da big man, Michael da Archangel, wants us to keep a low profile.  For insurance purposes.

MI:  I see.  Tell me – 

Angel:  Excuse me.  See dat  Is he gonna tow my freaking car away?  I gotta take care of dis.

[The angel walks over to the man in the tow truck.]

Angel:  Don’t tow my freaking car away!

[He turns the tow truck driver into a fish]

Angel:  Alright I’m back.

MI:  Nice way to keep a low profile.

Angel:  That’s my freaking parking spot, man!

MI:  Okay.  Okay.  Just one last question.  As my guardian angel do you have any advice for me?

Angel:  Stay away from Olivia Wilde, capish.  Da broad’s dangerous.

[Pause]

MI:  What did just say?

Angel:  Stay away from da Wilde broad if ya knows what’s good for ya.

MI:  That’s what I thought you said.

[He punches the guardian angel in the nose]

MI:  You say anything bad about her again and we’re going to have trouble!

Angel: But she’s bad news.  I’m just saying……

[Manhattan Infidel lunges at the angel and they grapple and fall to the ground.  Manhattan Infidel continues punching him]

Angel: Help!  Help!  Police!

Policeman:  What seems to be the problem here?

Angel:  This man is beating me up!

Policeman:  Is he smoking?

Angel:  No.

Policeman:  Is he drinking a big gulp?

Angel:  No.

Policeman:  Then this doesn’t concern the NYPD.

Angel:  But he’s beating me up!! 

Policeman:  What did I just tell you punk?

[The policeman proceeds to beat the angel with his club]

Policeman:  I though I had all you guinea hoods locked up.   You, what’s your name?

MI:  Manhattan Infidel.

Policeman:  Manhattan Infidel, take a hold of him.  Stand him up.  Stand him up straight.

[He punches the angel and breaks his jaw]

MI:  Nice uppercut.

Policeman:  Freaking punk!

Note:  Manhattan Infidel would like to state that his encounter with his guardian angel in no way is a reflection upon all angels, many of whom are hard-working, law-abiding citizens.  Just don’t say nothing bad about Olivia Wilde.  Punk.

(460)

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22 Jan 13

President Obama Gets Inaugurated; Addresses Nation

 The government will give you stuff.

In what experts agree is the most important event ever to happen in the history of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama was sworn in for his second term in office as our 44th President.

First up was Vice President Biden (pictured here)

Can I go play Daddy Obama?

who was given the oath by wise Latina Sonia Sotomayor.  Biden, who cannot read, was assisted by a class of first graders who told him what the words were.  After being inaugurated Biden was allowed to skip the rest of the ceremony and play with the children.

Then at 11:55 am it was time for President Obama himself to take the oath.  As Chief Justice John Roberts whispered in his ear, “A tax?  I was so high when I wrote that!” Obama took the oath and addressed the nation.  As a service to my readers who haven’t killed themselves yet I now present this historic speech in its entirety.

My fellow Americans (excepting those tea baggers) I stand here today humbled by your obeisance.  That we are in a midst of a crisis is well understood.  Our nation is at war against a far-reaching network of right wing violence and hatred here at home.  Our economy thanks to those who resist my decrees has been badly weakened.

Health care is too expensive.  But thanks to my affordable care act everyone now will pay more.  That’s equality in action!

Each day brings further evidence that the way we use high-flush toilets, top loading washing machines and cars that are not Chevy Volts strengthen our adversaries and threaten the planet.  We will respond to the threat of climate change by banning high-flush toilets.  Is using a plunger to unclog the toilet that was unable to flush your waste matter too much to ask?

al-Qaeda will triumph unless we are satisfied with low flush toilets.

On this day we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances of those who oppose my will.  What binds our nation together is the unlimited power and reach of the Federal government.  A government I remind you that we all belong to.

The time has come to reaffirm this self-evident truth:  Michelle really scares me.

In reaffirming the greatness of this nation we understand that greatness is never a given.  It must be earned. No wait.  Sorry. Greatness will be given to you in  proportion to the amount of free stuff you can get from other people.

We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth.  Well, except for Canada.

The state of the economy calls for action.  Bold and swift.  And we will act. Already an economic recovery has begun.  In Canada.  But that’s because they did what we didn’t:  Change the entire country to wind power!

What those who oppose me fail to understand is that I won!  The stale political arguments of tea baggers and their ilk have no place in politics.

The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or to small, but how can we make it bigger?

Nor is the question before us whether the free market is a force for good or ill.  That has been decided.  The science is settled.  It is a force for ill and must be controlled top-down by Washington.

To the Muslim world we seek a new way forward, based on suppression of the first amendment.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans, who at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts.  Our brave men and women in uniform will be brought back home to fight the tea party!

Our journey is not complete until we bring down the fat cats!

Our journey is not complete until we count all the votes that were cast, as well as the votes that weren’t cast thanks to the Black Panthers.

In closing, my administration will support Democracy around the world while destroying it here in America.

After the speech there was an embarrassing moment when James Taylor was brought out to sing the National Anthem.  Mr. Taylor was heard to say, “What the f*ck? I thought I was doing the half-time show at the Superbowl?”

After being reassured that it was in fact half-time he proceeded to sing.

Then a poet was brought out but thankfully he was ignored.

Then Kelly Clarkson was brought out to do a commercial for Weight Watchers.

Then Bob Schieffer of CBS News cried.

Then, thankfully, it was all over.

(379)

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18 Jan 13

Willie Wonka Shuts Down his Chocolate Factory

Pay my fair share? Fuck you.

Famed billionaire industrialist Willie Wonka has shut down his chocolate factory, throwing hundreds of Oompa-Loompas out of work and denying children throughout the world his candy bars.

“I didn’t have much of a choice” said Wonka.

The EPA was coming after me. The government raised my taxes because they wanted me to pay my “fair share” whatever the hell that means.  With the health reform law taking effect I had to pay a fine if I didn’t give the Oompa-Loompas birth control.  I tell you it’s just a mess.  And I’m not the only one who feels that way.  I’ve talked to other factory owners and we’re all fed up.  How’s a guy supposed to make a profit?  Or are we just supposed to give stuff away for free because someone in Washington thinks that would be more fair?

Wonka is referring in part to new EPA regulations.  His factory, raided by the EPA last fall, was found to have improper levels of emissions coming from its smoke stacks.

Hello?  I own a factory.  I bake stuff.  We have smokestacks.  What the hell am I supposed to? Crap the chocolate out of my ass?  You know what?  Maybe I’ll do that and send the batch to Washington.

Forced to build new smokestacks that reduced emissions, Wonka watched helplessly as his profits fell.  Forced to forgo annual raises for the Oompa-Loompas his factory was then hit with labor slowdowns.

Look I want to provide for my employees.  They work hard.  But I can’t just print up money.  I’m not the Federal Reserve.  So the Oompa-Loompas started having wildcat strikes, slowdowns, stuff like that.  I had a factory full of short, unhappy orange people.  

After one of the Oompah-Loompas threw a rock into his office Wonka was forced to hire armed security.

I thought I’d be safer with security.  But that must made the Oompa’s angrier.  I couldn’t even show my face around the factory.  Every time I did they would surround me and threaten me. They kept saying “Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee doo / I’ve got another puzzle for you / Oompa Loompa doo-p-dee dee / If you are wise you’ll listen to me.”  If I’m wise I’ll listen to them?  If that’s not a threat on my life I don’t know what is.  I called the cops and do you know what the detective told me?  He said, “Dude.  Don’t piss off the little orange people.” Why thank you for the expert advice moron!

The final straw for Wonka came when officials from the Department of  Health and Human Services told him that chocolate was racist because it made black people fat.

Shortly after that Wonka made the decision to shut down his factory.  Permanently.

“The hell with it. I’m retiring to a beach in the Bahamas.”

With the factory shut down the Oompah-Loompas, out of work and evicted from the premises spread out into the nearby towns, terrorizing the citizens.

“I was in bed and I saw this little orange person peeking through my window.  He was masturbating” said a local woman.

“Yeah, I suppose I’ll get blamed for that too” said Wonka.

(375)

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17 Jan 13

Barney Rubble Shot Dead!

Barney Rubble in happier times

Bedrock resident Barney Rubble was shot dead in front of his son’s school today.

“This was a tragic incident” said the Bedrock SWAT commander.

But given the recent uneasiness over the Newtown school shooting it is understandable what happened.  My team acted appropriately and within the rules of engagement.

While the incident is still under the review no one denies that the facts are these:

Shortly before 3 pm local time Barney Rubble arrived at the Bedrock Middle school to pick up his son, Bamm-Bamm Rubble.  Because of the strike by Bedrock school bus drivers most students either were walking home or having their parents pick them up.

After arriving at the school Mr. Rubble stood in front of the building for a few minutes.  Not seeing his son he began to shout, “Bamm-Bamm!  Bamm-Bamm!” repeatedly.

At the first sounds of “Bamm-Bamm” school administrators, not knowing the source of the threatening sound had the school locked-down.  As per lock-down procedure a call was placed to Bedrock’s SWAT team.

Upon arriving at the school the SWAT team noticed a white male, approximately 35 years of age wearing a brown shirt and apparently no pants standing in front of the school with his arms raised in a threatening manner and shouting “Bamm-Bamm!”

Said a SWAT team member:

I checked the “School Shooter” app on my iPhone and he fit the profile.  White.  No pants.  Acting threateningly.  After canvassing the ground to ensure that no children were in the line of fire we proceeded to engage the suspect.

As frightened children watched from the windows of the school Rubble took a few steps towards the front entrance, still shouting “Bamm-Bamm!” when he was cut down by bullets.

“Dude” one child later told investigators

the top of his head like just freaking exploded!  His skull and brains went flying up in the air.  It was so cool.  I took a photo of it with my phone and uploaded it to Facebook.  It’s my cover photo now.

After officers verified that Rubble was dead the students were let out of the school.

A hysterical Bamm-Bamm Rubble was not allowed to approach his father’s body.

“You f*cking killed my father you b*stards!” he shouted before being restrained.

“I thought that language was a little inappropriate for a child that age.  But what do you expect with what they watch on TV nowadays” said a teacher.

Mrs. Rubble, after being informed of her husband’s death was given the chance to address the citizens of Bedrock.  Standing in front of a phalanx of cameras the newly-widowed Betty Rubble apologized for her husband’s actions.

While I grieve I recognize that he acted inappropriately.  I do not blame the authorities for my husband’s death.  I wish to thank the teachers of Bedrock Middle School for their quick thinking and I hope that today’s events will prevent further tragedies like this from happening.

The Mayor of Bedrock issued a statement thanking Mrs. Rubble for her correct attitude and closed with the hope that

in the future parents will refrain from calling their children “Bamm-Bamm.”  Perhaps a more friendly name like “Sunshine” or “World Peace” would be more appropriate.

As for the Bedrock school bus driver’s strike, representatives for union and management have postponed tomorrow’s round of negotiations out of respect for the trauma the children have suffered.

(1005)

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16 Jan 13

Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Professional Baseball Player Malfeasance (Not to be Confused with the Professional Football or Basketball Malfeasance) I Mean Hell I Might as well Combine Them All Into One Handy Malfeasance Template By the Way I’m not Wearing Pants as I Type This Template

Let’s discuss this like two rational professional athletes

It has been a banner week here at Manhattan Infidel.  On Monday I was named “Favorite Blogger” by the American Society of Shut-ins.  On Tuesday I was not arrested by the NYPD (they must be slipping) and on Wednesday I took full advantage of not being arrested by pretending I was a dog and sniffing strangers’ crotches which, in Manhattan, barely passes as an infraction.

But none of that is what I want to talk about.  Former baseball player Milton Bradley was recently arrested and charged with 13 misdemeanor counts including assault with a deadly weapon during a dispute with his wife.  And so, once again in the spirit of the dissemination of facts I present the Official Baseball Player Malfeasance Template.

Former Major League Baseball player Milton Bradley was arrested for

  1. Choking his wife
  2. Kicking his wife
  3. Punching his wife
  4. Threatening his wife with a baseball bat
  5. Choking, kicking, punching and threatening with a baseball bat every single person he’s come into contact with.

According to his wife’s complaint he

  1. Choked her with two hands after she asked him to stop smoking marijuana in front of their children
  2. Choked her with two hands after she asked him to stop snorting cocaine in front of their children
  3. Choked her with two hands after she asked him to stop mainlining heroin in front of their children
  4. Choked her with two hands after she asked him to stop snorting their children
  5. Choked her with two hands.  Reason?  Who needs a reason?
  6. Choked her with two hands because he was sad over all the violence in the world

Bradley told police that he became enraged because

  1. It wasn’t Friday
  2. His Chicken McNuggets came with ranch sauce instead of honey barbeque as he specifically requested at the drive through window
  3. He had just bought the DVD of season six of Bewitched before realizing Dick Sargent and not Dick York played Darrin
  4. I mean seriously.  Dick Sargent was a tool.  Who wouldn’t become enraged?
  5. He was contemplating the Chicken McNugget theorem. Since McNuggets come in six, nine and 20 and six, nine and 20 are relatively prime, any sufficiently large integer can be expressed as a linear combination of these three.  Therefore there exists a largest non McNugget number  and all integers larger than it are McNugget numbers. Namely, every positive integer is a McNugget number, with the finite number of exceptions:
    1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11, 13, 14, 16, 17, 19, 22, 23, 25, 28, 31, 34, 37, and 43

    Thus the largest non-McNugget number is 43. The fact that any integer larger than 43 is a McNugget number can be seen by considering the following integer partitions

    44 = 6 + 9 + 9 + 20
    45 = 9 + 9 + 9 + 9 + 9
    46 = 6 + 20 + 20
    47 = 9 + 9 + 9 + 20
    48 = 6 + 6 + 9 + 9 + 9 + 9
    49 = 9 + 20 + 20

    Any larger integer can be obtained by adding some number of 6’s to the appropriate partition above.

    Furthermore, a straightforward check demonstrates that 43 McNuggets can indeed not be purchased, as: boxes of 6 and 9 alone can not form 43 as these can only create multiples of 3 (with the exception of 3 itself);  including a single box of 20 does not help, as the required remainder (23) is also not a multiple of 3; and more than one box of 20, complemented with boxes of size 6 or larger, obviously cannot lead to a total of 43 McNuggets.

  6. He’s just an asshole

Since leaving baseball Bradley has

  1. Concentrated on curbing his anger management issues
  2. Concentrated on curbing his, you know what?  F*ck you pal!
  3. Concentrated on hitting people over the head with his baseball bat
  4. Concentrated on trying to solve the insoluble riddle that is the Chicken McNugget problem
  5. Concentrated on smoking pot in front of his children.
  6. Wha?  I thought pot was supposed to mellow you out?

When contacted by Fox Sports’ Erin Andrews and asked to comment on the arrest, Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter

  1. Slept with Miss Andrews
  2. Told her he would comment later after he finishes sleeping with Minka Kelly
  3. Slept with Minka Kelly and then Erin Andrews
  4. Slept with Erin Andrews and then Minka Kelly
  5. Slept with them both
  6. Told her to call back as he was eating some Chicken McNuggets and was exercising his mind by contemplating the Chicken McNuggets theorem

To avoid potential jail time Bradley has promised to

  1. Apologize to his wife
  2. Smoke pot only in front of Ricky Williams
  3. Only choke Mexicans
  4. Okay, maybe Albanians too
  5. And Croatians
  6. You know what, why limit oneself?  Bradley promised to choke everybody and what’s so damn wrong with living up to one’s potential?

And there you have it.  My (hopefully) last professional athlete malfeasance template.  Mm.  These McNuggets are delicious.  Dammit!  I asked for honey barbeque sauce!

(909)

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15 Jan 13

My Exclusive Interview with Lance Armstrong

 Everybody was doing it!

It has been a rough couple of months for seven time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong.  First came the USADA (United States Anti-Doping Agency) report about him in October.  Now rumors have leaked out that Mr. Armstrong will admit to cheating.  I am pleased and honored that his first interview since admitting his guilt is with me.

MI:  Mr. Armstrong I just want to thank you again for agreeing to this sit-down.  I know many wanted to interview you and I’m humbled you chose me.

LA:  Thanks.  Um.  Oprah?

MI:  Yeah. That’s me.

LA:  You don’t look like Oprah.

MI: There is a key to a brand new car under your seat….HELLLLLLLOOOO!!

LA:  I guess you are Oprah.

MI:  Now let’s start the questioning.  You admit to doping?

LA:  Yes.  I won all my Tour de France titles while using anabolic steroids.

MI:  Why did you cheat?

LA:  Everybody was cheating.  Everybody uses steroids.  Everybody!

MI:  Really? Tasmanian Devil?
I took steroids to enhance my career

LA:  Oh please.  Big  time steroid user.  I knew him when he was the Tasmanian Mellow Guy.  Why do you think he’s the Devil now?  It’s ‘roid rage.

MI:  The 2004 Boston Red Sox?

LA: The entire team was on steroids.  Big Papi?  His original nickname was “Little Fella.”   And they won!  Everyone is against steroids but they produce results.  Winning baby!  Winning!

MI:  Okay, I’ll concede the pressure to win is enormous.  But don’t you feel you’ve let down the fans?

LA:  Hey they should have known.

MI:  Really?

LA:  Oh come on.  I won my first Tour de France with a syringe sticking out of my ass for Christ sake.

MI:  I thought that was a Gatorade drip.

LA:  Moron!  Anyway I’m here to apologize and make amends.

MI:  Do you think that is possible?

LA:  Look haven’t you ever made a bad life decision?

MI:  Yes, but in my defense she looked better than the average 10th avenue hooker.

LA:  You see! [Pause] Ewww.   Everybody is on steroids.  Everybody.  Why pick on me.  Even bloggers are on steroids.

MI:  Bloggers are on steroids?  Really.

LA:  Yes. [Pause] Oprah.  Even Manhattan Infidel is on steroids. Manhattan Infidel presents his abs

MI:  [Pause] Those. [Pause] Those are just rumors.

LA:  Oh come on.  [Pause] Oprah.  Come one!  Don’t be so naive.  How do you think he manages to post five days a week?

MI:  His intellect?

LA:  Nope.

MI:  No sex life?

LA:  Well, I didn’t think of that.

MI:  Anyway I see it’s time to close out this interview.  Lance I thank you again for being on my show.

LA:  Are you sure you’re Oprah?

MI:  I will never have sex with a man.

LA:  You are Oprah!

MI:  Thank you for meeting with me.  Goodbye.

And I’d like to close by calling for strict performance-enhancing drug tests for bloggers.  Specifically Blog de King Shamus, Innominatus, Conservative Hideout 2.0 and Conservatives on Fire.

You know they all have to be dirty.

(587)

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14 Jan 13

Jean Valjean Surprised by Inspector Javert’s Facebook Friend Request

 Dammit how does Javert keep finding me?

French parolee Jean Valjean was surprised today to receive a facebook friend request from longtime nemesis Parisian inspector Javert.

“This came totally out of left field” Valjean told friends. 

He (Javert) must be part bloodhound or something.  Once I left prison I thought I’d never see him again.  I mean I have violated my parole so technically Javert has a reason to pursue me but really.  How doe he keep finding me?  Some of that is my fault I guess.  I live a block from where he lives.  I could have done a better job of hiding but the rent is good here.  And I suppose I shouldn’t have “liked” parole violations on my Facebook page. That might have been a giveaway.  Then there’s my I.M. screen name:  Sexy parole violator.  And I guess I shouldn’t start every conversation with “Ever get sentenced to 20 years for stealing a loaf of bread?”  But other than that how did he find me?  I mean he came close to finding me once when I was living in an apartment on the third floor but I tricked him by moving into the empty apartment on the fourth floor.  After that I figured I’d lost him.  Now I may have to move another block away.

As for Javert he freely admits his frustration over not being able to nab the famous bread-stealing parole jumper. Maybe i’ll put an ad in craigslist

“Yeah, it’s consumed me for awhile now” he said.

I mean, I am the law.  I enforce the law. It wouldn’t look good if I let him go free.  It’s been a game of cat and mouse.  Every time he moves one block I move one block.  Once we lived in the same building.  I was on the first floor and he was on the third.  I thought I had a pretty good chance to nab him then but our work schedules didn’t mix.  He works nights and I work days so whenever he was home I wasn’t and vice versa.  It was frustrating.  Then I lost him.  Someone said he moved to the fourth floor but I was working a lot of overtime then and wasn’t able to follow up.

Javert even went old school, handing out flyers in the neighborhood with Valjean’s picture on them.

“No luck though.”

At the end of his rope, it was then that Javert decided to use social media to close in on Valjean.

I put an ad in the man looking for man section on Craigslist.  Basically I said that I won’t stop until I have my man in handcuffs.  Lots of men answered that ad.  Lots.  I was frankly surprised at how many men there are in Paris that wanted to turn themselves in to me so that I could make them my prisoner.  None of them was Valjean, though. And some of them didn’t even have prison records, strangely enough.   

After the Craigslist failure Javert hit upon the idea of searching for Valjean on Facebook.

“It was easy to find him.  I was amazed at how many friends he has.  More than me.”

Valjean has told friends he will not accept the friend request.

“Screw it.  I’m blocking him!”

Javert admits that if the Facebook attempt is unsuccessful he may give up.

“There’s so much more I want to do, like visit New York and throw phones at snotty hotel employees.  Stuff like that.”

(714)

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11 Jan 13

Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Professional NFL Player Malfeasance Template (Not to be Confused with the Professional NBA Player Malfeasance Template)

marijauna paraphernalia? Never!

We here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel pride ourselves on one thing:  Our ability to make farting noises with our armpits  dedication to the truth.  And in that spirit of dedication to the truth, from the moment news first broke of the arrest of New York Jets linebacker Bryan Thomas we were all over the story.  We have had no sleep.  We have had no food.  We have had few prostitutes.  All for you, dear readers.  And so, we now proudly present the official NFL Player Malfeasance Template (Not to be Confused with the Official NBA Player Malfeasance Template.)

Bryan Thomas of the New York Jets was arrested by police for

  1. Punching his wife
  2. Choking his wife
  3. Pushing his wife
  4. Possession of marijuana paraphernalia
  5. Being Lindsay Lohan (possibly a case of mistaken identity)
  6. All of the above

Neighbors called the police after

  1. Hearing screams
  2. Hearing gun shots
  3. Hearing a chainsaw
  4. Hearing an unidentified female voice (possibly Lindsay Lohan’s) inquire as to where the marijuana paraphernalia is stored
  5. Hearing Jay Leno coming from their TV (people can only take so much)
  6. He’s a professional athlete.  Neighbors didn’t hear anything but were being proactive.

A partial list of the drug paraphernalia found at Thomas’ home include

  1. A Havannah hookah
  2. Zig Zag rolling paper
  3. Six small glass vials commonly used to store marijuana
  4. 20 tablets suspected to be the painkiller hydrocodone
  5. A chemistry set commonly used to make crystal meth
  6. Charlie Sheen’s nostrils

If convicted, Thomas faces

  1. Jail time
  2. A whole lot of jail time
  3. Come on.  He’s famous.  Nothing will happen.
  4. Seriously.  Why would a jury convict him. He’s on TV!
  5. I sat on the jury and he was real nice.  He gave me his autograph and Charlie Sheen’s nostrils
  6. What the hell am I going to do with Charlie Sheen’s nostrils?  I suppose I could put them in the fridge at work just to scare someone.  Or I could use them as my secret ingredient in my blood pudding recipe

The New York Jets

  1. Have bigger problems
  2. Were just thankful that Rex Ryan didn’t have a tattoo of him on his ass
  3. Have promised to discipline him after the legal process has run its course
  4. Bryan who?  Never heard of him.
  5. Until I find the remote and pet my chihuahua aint no one getting nothing!
  6. Come on Nancy pants.  These are professional athletes.  Just be lucky he doesn’t have bodies buried in the back yard or stuffed in the attic.

I hope the following template will help my readers find clear answers out of this confusing situation.

(408)

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10 Jan 13

Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Professional NBA Player Malfeasance Template

I did done nothing wrong bitch

It has happened again.  A professional athlete has been questioned by the police in relation to a possible felony.  In the interest of justice, in the interest of human dignity, in the interest of fair play, in the interest of the dissemination of public knowledge and always keeping in mind that everyone is innocent until proven guilty (with the exception of gun owners) I now present the official NBA Player Malfeasance Template:

Breaking news:  Professional basketball player Andray Blatche of the Brooklyn Nets was questioned by police after

  1. An incident with a stripper
  2. An incident with two strippers
  3. An incident with a hotel room full of strippers
  4. An incident with an entire hotel of strippers
  5. An incident with a hotel room of strippers and Charlie Sheen too!
  6. WTF?  Brooklyn has a professional basketball team?

During questioning Blatche claimed as his alibi

  1. She’s just a stripper.  Not human
  2. They were all strippers.  No one will miss them
  3. Why are you questioning me?  Jeesh you’d think I was Lindsay Lohan or something!
  4. Seriously.  They were just strippers.
  5. Is Lindsay Lohan a stripper?
  6. WTF?  I play for the Brooklyn Nets?  When did that happen?

NBA Commissioner David Stern reacted to the incident by

  1. Ordering all teams to stay away from strippers
  2. Asking all teams to stay away from strippers
  3. Oh come on guys.  Please?  No more strippers!  Please?  Come on!!
  4. Asking that the addresses of legal gun owners in Westchester and Rockland Counties to be published
  5. Gun owners force my players to hang out with strippers
  6. The Brooklyn Nets?  Man I have to lay off the crystal meth

The exotic dancer stripper in question knew it was a basketball player because of

  1. The penis in her mouth
  2. The penis in her posterior
  3. The penis in her vagina
  4. He was 6′ 10″, black and had tattoos
  5. Wait, I can’t say that.  That’s racist
  6. WTF?  I was raped by a member of the Brooklyn Nets? I have to lay off the crystal meth

Brooklyn Nets owner, Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov has responded to the incident by

  1. Importing Russian exotic dancers strippers
  2. Seriously.  Have you seen some of the Russian exotic dancers strippers?
  3. Starting a pogrom.  What?  What do you mean we can’t do that in America?
  4. Banning Lindsay Lohan from all Nets games.  (Hey, it can’t hurt!)
  5. Increasing the exotic dancer stripper allowance in his players’ paychecks so they can afford the Russian ones
  6. WTF?  I own the Brooklyn Nets?  Time to fire my financial advisor

And there you have it.  The official NBC Player Malfeasance Template.  May it help my readers make sense of this tragic situation.

(424)

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9 Jan 13

Whale Beaches Itself; Motive Unknown

How many children must die before the government does something?

A whale beached itself today in Breezy Point Queens.  Concerned citizens first noticed the stranded 60-foot finback whale in the early morning.  Emergency services were summoned to the beach and doused it with water while they waited for the high tide to pull it back to sea.

Speculation immediately began as to the whale’s motives.  Many suspected that the whale had beached himself hoping to start a spontaneous “Occupy” movement.

“Whales hate capitalism.  That’s a known fact” said an analyst on CNN.

Whales believe too much private property is in the hands of the wealthy and naturally they would like to see that changed.  I’m confident this is why he beached himself.  I’ve never actually spoken to a whale mind you.  But I think this is the most logical explanation.  I call upon congress to redistribute private property into small tracts of land. This is what the whales want.  And you don’t want to get on the bad side of whales.  I mean come on.  Hasn’t anyone seen Orca?  Though technically Orcas are dolphins not whales but you get my point.  It’s time for Congress to act!

Yet not everyone was convinced that the whale beaching was the start of a marine Occupy movement.  Some believe, in light of the shooting in Connecticut, that the whale in question had beached itself to protest continued gun violence in America.

“Whales love social justice and they love children” said a marine biologist.

Obviously this whale, having heard about the tragedy in Newton, beached himself to draw attention to gun violence.  That is the only possible explanation.  And any idiot who thinks he did it as part of an “Occupy” movement knows nothing about marine biology. Let me be succinct:  The whale was trying to draw attention to the wild west gun mentality of America.  I admire the courage of this whale and I call upon all Americans to emulate it.  We must all go down to the beach, lie upon our stomachs and let emergency services personnel hose us down.  Do it for the children!  When in God’s name is Congress going to act?

Still a third group is convinced that the whale beached itself because it was injured by a passing ship.

“This happens far too often” said the spokesman for the group, “Whale Yes!  Ships No!’

How long must we live in a world that allows ships to travel the high seas with impunity?  Don’t people realize that they are killing whales who are the most noble creatures on the face of the Earth?  I can’t live in a world like this.  I call upon Congress to act now and ban all ships!  Just ban them!

Upon hearing the remarks from the spokesman for “Whales Yes! Ships No!” the spokesman for the group that thinks the whale beached itself to protest capitalism and the spokesman who thinks the whale beached itself to protest gun violence called the spokesman from the “Whales Yes! Ships No!” group “ignorant” and called upon Congress to act and brand the group “Whales Yes! Ships No!” as a terrorist organization.

As for the beached whale it later died.

Police suspect it was clubbed to death by some right-wing nut job.  New York City Police Commissioner Ray Kelly has called upon Congress to act and ban right-wing nut jobs.

(467)

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