A whale beached itself today in Breezy Point Queens.  Concerned citizens first noticed the stranded 60-foot finback whale in the early morning.  Emergency services were summoned to the beach and doused it with water while they waited for the high tide to pull it back to sea.

Speculation immediately began as to the whale’s motives.  Many suspected that the whale had beached himself hoping to start a spontaneous “Occupy” movement.

“Whales hate capitalism.  That’s a known fact” said an analyst on CNN.

Whales believe too much private property is in the hands of the wealthy and naturally they would like to see that changed.  I’m confident this is why he beached himself.  I’ve never actually spoken to a whale mind you.  But I think this is the most logical explanation.  I call upon congress to redistribute private property into small tracts of land. This is what the whales want.  And you don’t want to get on the bad side of whales.  I mean come on.  Hasn’t anyone seen Orca?  Though technically Orcas are dolphins not whales but you get my point.  It’s time for Congress to act!

Yet not everyone was convinced that the whale beaching was the start of a marine Occupy movement.  Some believe, in light of the shooting in Connecticut, that the whale in question had beached itself to protest continued gun violence in America.

“Whales love social justice and they love children” said a marine biologist.

Obviously this whale, having heard about the tragedy in Newton, beached himself to draw attention to gun violence.  That is the only possible explanation.  And any idiot who thinks he did it as part of an “Occupy” movement knows nothing about marine biology. Let me be succinct:  The whale was trying to draw attention to the wild west gun mentality of America.  I admire the courage of this whale and I call upon all Americans to emulate it.  We must all go down to the beach, lie upon our stomachs and let emergency services personnel hose us down.  Do it for the children!  When in God’s name is Congress going to act?

Still a third group is convinced that the whale beached itself because it was injured by a passing ship.

“This happens far too often” said the spokesman for the group, “Whale Yes!  Ships No!’

How long must we live in a world that allows ships to travel the high seas with impunity?  Don’t people realize that they are killing whales who are the most noble creatures on the face of the Earth?  I can’t live in a world like this.  I call upon Congress to act now and ban all ships!  Just ban them!

Upon hearing the remarks from the spokesman for “Whales Yes! Ships No!” the spokesman for the group that thinks the whale beached itself to protest capitalism and the spokesman who thinks the whale beached itself to protest gun violence called the spokesman from the “Whales Yes! Ships No!” group “ignorant” and called upon Congress to act and brand the group “Whales Yes! Ships No!” as a terrorist organization.

As for the beached whale it later died.

Police suspect it was clubbed to death by some right-wing nut job.  New York City Police Commissioner Ray Kelly has called upon Congress to act and ban right-wing nut jobs.

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