It has been a rough couple of months for seven time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong. First came the USADA (United States Anti-Doping Agency) report about him in October. Now rumors have leaked out that Mr. Armstrong will admit to cheating. I am pleased and honored that his first interview since admitting his guilt is with me.
MI: Mr. Armstrong I just want to thank you again for agreeing to this sit-down. I know many wanted to interview you and I’m humbled you chose me.
LA: Thanks. Um. Oprah?
MI: Yeah. That’s me.
LA: You don’t look like Oprah.
MI: There is a key to a brand new car under your seat….HELLLLLLLOOOO!!
LA: I guess you are Oprah.
MI: Now let’s start the questioning. You admit to doping?
LA: Yes. I won all my Tour de France titles while using anabolic steroids.
MI: Why did you cheat?
LA: Everybody was cheating. Everybody uses steroids. Everybody!
MI: Really? Tasmanian Devil?
LA: Oh please. Big time steroid user. I knew him when he was the Tasmanian Mellow Guy. Why do you think he’s the Devil now? It’s ‘roid rage.
MI: The 2004 Boston Red Sox?
LA: The entire team was on steroids. Big Papi? His original nickname was “Little Fella.” And they won! Everyone is against steroids but they produce results. Winning baby! Winning!
MI: Okay, I’ll concede the pressure to win is enormous. But don’t you feel you’ve let down the fans?
LA: Hey they should have known.
MI: Really?
LA: Oh come on. I won my first Tour de France with a syringe sticking out of my ass for Christ sake.
MI: I thought that was a Gatorade drip.
LA: Moron! Anyway I’m here to apologize and make amends.
MI: Do you think that is possible?
LA: Look haven’t you ever made a bad life decision?
MI: Yes, but in my defense she looked better than the average 10th avenue hooker.
LA: You see! [Pause] Ewww. Everybody is on steroids. Everybody. Why pick on me. Even bloggers are on steroids.
MI: Bloggers are on steroids? Really.
LA: Yes. [Pause] Oprah. Even Manhattan Infidel is on steroids.
MI: [Pause] Those. [Pause] Those are just rumors.
LA: Oh come on. [Pause] Oprah. Come one! Don’t be so naive. How do you think he manages to post five days a week?
MI: His intellect?
LA: Nope.
MI: No sex life?
LA: Well, I didn’t think of that.
MI: Anyway I see it’s time to close out this interview. Lance I thank you again for being on my show.
LA: Are you sure you’re Oprah?
MI: I will never have sex with a man.
LA: You are Oprah!
MI: Thank you for meeting with me. Goodbye.
And I’d like to close by calling for strict performance-enhancing drug tests for bloggers. Specifically Blog de King Shamus, Innominatus, Conservative Hideout 2.0 and Conservatives on Fire.
You know they all have to be dirty.
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Yeah, but I use Hispanic steroids and, as far as I know, that’s not illegal. Hispanic women like their men on steroids.
Jim: Hispanic steroids? I knew Speedy Gonzalez was on something!
I hope this revelation doesn’t keep me out of the Hall of Fame.
Now that I’ve been outed for using PEDs to create my awesome blog with it’s inflated stats (without the juice, I would only have 8 readers, not 10), I’ll just use the Alex Rodriguez defense–“Yeah, it was a loosey-goosey time…three years ago.”
Inn: You will never see the inside of the hall of fame.
Shamus: I’m banning your cousin from the vicinity of my blog.
I take the fifth, though I have to say that I didn’t know why my can of Maxwell House had a picture of Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds on it.