Famed billionaire industrialist Willie Wonka has shut down his chocolate factory, throwing hundreds of Oompa-Loompas out of work and denying children throughout the world his candy bars.

“I didn’t have much of a choice” said Wonka.

The EPA was coming after me. The government raised my taxes because they wanted me to pay my “fair share” whatever the hell that means.  With the health reform law taking effect I had to pay a fine if I didn’t give the Oompa-Loompas birth control.  I tell you it’s just a mess.  And I’m not the only one who feels that way.  I’ve talked to other factory owners and we’re all fed up.  How’s a guy supposed to make a profit?  Or are we just supposed to give stuff away for free because someone in Washington thinks that would be more fair?

Wonka is referring in part to new EPA regulations.  His factory, raided by the EPA last fall, was found to have improper levels of emissions coming from its smoke stacks.

Hello?  I own a factory.  I bake stuff.  We have smokestacks.  What the hell am I supposed to? Crap the chocolate out of my ass?  You know what?  Maybe I’ll do that and send the batch to Washington.

Forced to build new smokestacks that reduced emissions, Wonka watched helplessly as his profits fell.  Forced to forgo annual raises for the Oompa-Loompas his factory was then hit with labor slowdowns.

Look I want to provide for my employees.  They work hard.  But I can’t just print up money.  I’m not the Federal Reserve.  So the Oompa-Loompas started having wildcat strikes, slowdowns, stuff like that.  I had a factory full of short, unhappy orange people.  

After one of the Oompah-Loompas threw a rock into his office Wonka was forced to hire armed security.

I thought I’d be safer with security.  But that must made the Oompa’s angrier.  I couldn’t even show my face around the factory.  Every time I did they would surround me and threaten me. They kept saying “Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee doo / I’ve got another puzzle for you / Oompa Loompa doo-p-dee dee / If you are wise you’ll listen to me.”  If I’m wise I’ll listen to them?  If that’s not a threat on my life I don’t know what is.  I called the cops and do you know what the detective told me?  He said, “Dude.  Don’t piss off the little orange people.” Why thank you for the expert advice moron!

The final straw for Wonka came when officials from the Department of  Health and Human Services told him that chocolate was racist because it made black people fat.

Shortly after that Wonka made the decision to shut down his factory.  Permanently.

“The hell with it. I’m retiring to a beach in the Bahamas.”

With the factory shut down the Oompah-Loompas, out of work and evicted from the premises spread out into the nearby towns, terrorizing the citizens.

“I was in bed and I saw this little orange person peeking through my window.  He was masturbating” said a local woman.

“Yeah, I suppose I’ll get blamed for that too” said Wonka.

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