In what experts agree is the most important event ever to happen in the history of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama was sworn in for his second term in office as our 44th President.

First up was Vice President Biden (pictured here)

who was given the oath by wise Latina Sonia Sotomayor.  Biden, who cannot read, was assisted by a class of first graders who told him what the words were.  After being inaugurated Biden was allowed to skip the rest of the ceremony and play with the children.

Then at 11:55 am it was time for President Obama himself to take the oath.  As Chief Justice John Roberts whispered in his ear, “A tax?  I was so high when I wrote that!” Obama took the oath and addressed the nation.  As a service to my readers who haven’t killed themselves yet I now present this historic speech in its entirety.

My fellow Americans (excepting those tea baggers) I stand here today humbled by your obeisance.  That we are in a midst of a crisis is well understood.  Our nation is at war against a far-reaching network of right wing violence and hatred here at home.  Our economy thanks to those who resist my decrees has been badly weakened.

Health care is too expensive.  But thanks to my affordable care act everyone now will pay more.  That’s equality in action!

Each day brings further evidence that the way we use high-flush toilets, top loading washing machines and cars that are not Chevy Volts strengthen our adversaries and threaten the planet.  We will respond to the threat of climate change by banning high-flush toilets.  Is using a plunger to unclog the toilet that was unable to flush your waste matter too much to ask?

al-Qaeda will triumph unless we are satisfied with low flush toilets.

On this day we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances of those who oppose my will.  What binds our nation together is the unlimited power and reach of the Federal government.  A government I remind you that we all belong to.

The time has come to reaffirm this self-evident truth:  Michelle really scares me.

In reaffirming the greatness of this nation we understand that greatness is never a given.  It must be earned. No wait.  Sorry. Greatness will be given to you in  proportion to the amount of free stuff you can get from other people.

We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth.  Well, except for Canada.

The state of the economy calls for action.  Bold and swift.  And we will act. Already an economic recovery has begun.  In Canada.  But that’s because they did what we didn’t:  Change the entire country to wind power!

What those who oppose me fail to understand is that I won!  The stale political arguments of tea baggers and their ilk have no place in politics.

The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or to small, but how can we make it bigger?

Nor is the question before us whether the free market is a force for good or ill.  That has been decided.  The science is settled.  It is a force for ill and must be controlled top-down by Washington.

To the Muslim world we seek a new way forward, based on suppression of the first amendment.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans, who at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts.  Our brave men and women in uniform will be brought back home to fight the tea party!

Our journey is not complete until we bring down the fat cats!

Our journey is not complete until we count all the votes that were cast, as well as the votes that weren’t cast thanks to the Black Panthers.

In closing, my administration will support Democracy around the world while destroying it here in America.

After the speech there was an embarrassing moment when James Taylor was brought out to sing the National Anthem.  Mr. Taylor was heard to say, “What the f*ck? I thought I was doing the half-time show at the Superbowl?”

After being reassured that it was in fact half-time he proceeded to sing.

Then a poet was brought out but thankfully he was ignored.

Then Kelly Clarkson was brought out to do a commercial for Weight Watchers.

Then Bob Schieffer of CBS News cried.

Then, thankfully, it was all over.

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