Bedrock resident Barney Rubble was shot dead in front of his son’s school today.

“This was a tragic incident” said the Bedrock SWAT commander.

But given the recent uneasiness over the Newtown school shooting it is understandable what happened.  My team acted appropriately and within the rules of engagement.

While the incident is still under the review no one denies that the facts are these:

Shortly before 3 pm local time Barney Rubble arrived at the Bedrock Middle school to pick up his son, Bamm-Bamm Rubble.  Because of the strike by Bedrock school bus drivers most students either were walking home or having their parents pick them up.

After arriving at the school Mr. Rubble stood in front of the building for a few minutes.  Not seeing his son he began to shout, “Bamm-Bamm!  Bamm-Bamm!” repeatedly.

At the first sounds of “Bamm-Bamm” school administrators, not knowing the source of the threatening sound had the school locked-down.  As per lock-down procedure a call was placed to Bedrock’s SWAT team.

Upon arriving at the school the SWAT team noticed a white male, approximately 35 years of age wearing a brown shirt and apparently no pants standing in front of the school with his arms raised in a threatening manner and shouting “Bamm-Bamm!”

Said a SWAT team member:

I checked the “School Shooter” app on my iPhone and he fit the profile.  White.  No pants.  Acting threateningly.  After canvassing the ground to ensure that no children were in the line of fire we proceeded to engage the suspect.

As frightened children watched from the windows of the school Rubble took a few steps towards the front entrance, still shouting “Bamm-Bamm!” when he was cut down by bullets.

“Dude” one child later told investigators

the top of his head like just freaking exploded!  His skull and brains went flying up in the air.  It was so cool.  I took a photo of it with my phone and uploaded it to Facebook.  It’s my cover photo now.

After officers verified that Rubble was dead the students were let out of the school.

A hysterical Bamm-Bamm Rubble was not allowed to approach his father’s body.

“You f*cking killed my father you b*stards!” he shouted before being restrained.

“I thought that language was a little inappropriate for a child that age.  But what do you expect with what they watch on TV nowadays” said a teacher.

Mrs. Rubble, after being informed of her husband’s death was given the chance to address the citizens of Bedrock.  Standing in front of a phalanx of cameras the newly-widowed Betty Rubble apologized for her husband’s actions.

While I grieve I recognize that he acted inappropriately.  I do not blame the authorities for my husband’s death.  I wish to thank the teachers of Bedrock Middle School for their quick thinking and I hope that today’s events will prevent further tragedies like this from happening.

The Mayor of Bedrock issued a statement thanking Mrs. Rubble for her correct attitude and closed with the hope that

in the future parents will refrain from calling their children “Bamm-Bamm.”  Perhaps a more friendly name like “Sunshine” or “World Peace” would be more appropriate.

As for the Bedrock school bus driver’s strike, representatives for union and management have postponed tomorrow’s round of negotiations out of respect for the trauma the children have suffered.

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