11 Dec 13

Caveman Discovers Fire; Caveman Government Seeks to Ban It

Fire good! Regulation bad!

Fire good! Regulation bad!

A new element  has been discovered that promises to dramatically improve the way of life of the average caveman.

“I call it ‘fire’ “ declared the beaming discoverer.

Fire will warm us in winter.  It will make our food easier to eat preserving our teeth. I don’t have to tell you that cavemen dentist are few and far between.  Fire can be used as a weapon.  It can be used in our cavemen cultic ceremonies. Fire, if I dare say it, has the ability to fundamentally transform our way of life.  With fire we can dream of a better world.  All we have to do is cut down a few trees.

It is that last statement about cutting down trees that has raised the ire of the caveman government as well as caveman environmental activists.

“The life of a caveman is short and brutish” said the head of the Caveman EPA.

But our forests are untouched.  To cut down trees to make fire would destroy our environment.  I don’t care how efficient and advanced the technology of tree cutting is. We will seek sanctions and fines against all cavemen who engage in the so-called “Fire” industry.  We pride ourselves on our environmental record. Look around you.  Do you see any pollution?  The Earth is pristine. And that’s the important thing.  We intend to maintain our environment if it means we all have to die before we are 25 years old.  Huddled together in the dark and the cold. No doubt suffering from dysentery.  We really should learn not to drink from the same stream we crap in.  But that’s a problem for another day.

Caveman environmental groups claim that cutting down trees will possibly pollute the water supply. Said one activist:

Fire is a new and unproven technology.  Are we going to trust these cavemen capitalists as they rape our mother Earth?  We say no to fire.  No to tree chopping.  We will destroy the tree-destroying fire industry if we have to chain ourselves to every tree.  I mean, if we had invented chains that is.   I’ve always wanted to invent a chain. I have some ideas in my head but this dysentery has me pretty preoccupied.  Preoccupied.  Occupied. That’s it!  Occupy the forest! We’re going to hang out in the forest doing nothing for months at a time.  Let’s see the capitalists try to chop down trees while we are hanging around!

Despite protests from activists and opposition from the government, those in the fire business plan to continue cutting trees down to make fire.

“If the government stands in our way we’ll just move the operation to a more friendly business environment.”

The president of the caveman government has vowed to crush any nascent attempts to start fire.

“My administration is all about the environment.  And dysentery” he said.

 

(4765)

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10 Dec 13

New ObamaCare Ad Caters to Women

I have blisters on my vagina!

I have blisters on my vagina!

While problems persist with the Healthcare.Gov web site, the Obama administration has launched a new series of ads promoting the Affordable Care Act that target a core Democratic constituency: women.

“We are not Republicans” said DNC Vice Chair Raymond Buckley.

We do not have a war against woman.  We care about women.  Especially their orgasms.  A woman’s orgasm is a sacred thing.  At least it looks that way on the videos I download.  Anyway, what was I saying?  Oh yes.  No war on women here. We love the female orgasm.  And that’s why we have crafted some ads for Obamacare that cater to the important orgasm-loving female demographic.

In the first ad released a woman is seen lusting after a young man and saying “I hope he’s as easy to get as this birth control!”

We’ll be creating a bunch of these ads and making them into a story.  You know, like that coffee ad from a few years ago.  I don’t drink coffee myself.  It’s a racist drink but the commercials were nice.

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we have been lucky enough to view the rest of the commercials in the series.

In the second commercial, entitled “The Next Morning” the young woman wakes up in bed to find the man from the first ad sleeping next to her.  She celebrates her sexuality.  Looking at the sleeping man next to her she says:

Oh my god.  I’m at his place.  And he snored and farted all night. Now I just want to get out of here, take a shower and wash the shame of the man stink off me.  I think I had an orgasm last night and that I was in charge of it. But I can’t be sure.  I was so drunk. But thank god I used this easy-to-buy birth control courtesy of the Affordable Care Act.

In the third commercial called “How About Another Round” the man wakes up and asks the women for “sloppy seconds” to which the woman consents.

“I don’t even know his name” she says.

And he has a suspicious growth on his penis. But he says he’s clean and if you can’t trust a naked man who can you trust?  Sure let’s do sloppy seconds.  What’s  a rusty trombone?  Video tape it?  Sure why not.  

The fourth commercial in the series is called “Let’s Get our Group On!”

The woman, having been plied with more alcohol by the mystery man is chained to his bed as his frat buddies take turns penetrating her orifices.

“I am a strong independent woman celebrating my sexuality” she says over and over.

I don’t even want to know your names.  As long as you are all Democrats this is totally consensual.  And what’s that burning sensation I’m feeling?

The last ad in the series is called “No Regrets” and takes place a few months after our heroines’s one-night stand.

Coming out of a health clinic the young lady looks at the camera and says:

I have genital herpes.  But I have no regrets.  Having drunken group sex with strangers is what makes me a modern woman.  And thanks to the Affordable Care Act I can get my herpes medicine free of charge.  And my abortion was covered as well!  Thank you President Obama!

“This is what separates us from the Republicans” said Buckley.

Would the Republicans have made these commercials?  No.  And do you know why? They hate women!

The commercials are scheduled to begin airing in January.

(687)

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9 Dec 13

Kanye West: Blacks Don’t Have the Same Connections Klingons Do!

Klingons own all the oil!

Klingons own all the oil!

Controversial rapper and husband of Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, has again made news, this time with his comments that black people lack access.

“It’s true” said West.

We don’t got it like that.  There are only seven black billionaires.  Well, non rapping or sports billionaires that is.  And while making billions rapping or playing sports is fine that don’t get us no access.  Let me tell you about George Bush and oil money. Black people don’t got no oil money. Bush has it.

We don’t got nobody that got a nice house.  You know we ain’t in situation, baby. We got no house and no connections.  You know else has access?  Klingons!  That’s right.  That mutha Worf got him some access.

Klingons have nice houses baby.  I was watching Star Trek on my new 72 inch flat screen.  Yeah, that’s right muthers.  A black man has a 72 inch flat screen.  Gonna say anything about it?  Anyway I was watching Star Trek and those floppy forehead ridged bastards have some nice houses.  The house of D’Ghor.  The house of Grilka. The house of Kor.  The house of Martok.  These people had access.  Their houses ruled planetary systems.  They controlled the oil money.

How do you think Worf got into Star Fleet?  Mutha had access.  How do you think he ended up dating a Betazoid? Do you think Deanna Troi would look at me?  do you think she’d date a black man?  No. Do you know why?  She’s racist and black people don’t have no access.  Not like Jews. And Klingons.

I challenge those Klingon muthas.  Give me some of your muthanigga access!

From the House of Martok, the Clan leader Martok

Kanye West has no honor!

Kanye West has no honor!

himself had some choice words for Kanye.

“Kanye West has no honor.”

He attacks my house without cause.  He says we are oil barons.  The House of Martok has a long and proud environmental history.  We introduced CFL lightbulbs to the Klingon homeworld.  The House of Martok was instrumental in developing wind farms.  We are not oil robber barons.  I myself an not high-born.  I come from the Ketha lowlands on Qo’noS. The high council did not want me as Chancellor because I am a common man from the lowlands.  And Kanye West accuses me of having access and oil money?  Is this because I slept with that Betazoid? I shall kill West with a Bat’leth!

West has turned down the offer to fight Martok.

“He got the cops on his side.  What chance does a nigga stand?  Even the muthanigga Ferengis got more access than me.”

From the home planet of Feringar, the Grand Negus Zek dismissed West’s comments.

“It’s the 287th Rule of Acquisition.  Don’t give Kanye West access.  The mother’s insane.”

(1211)

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6 Dec 13

Talking Snowman Who Sounds A Lot Like Burl Ives May Be Pure Evil

With the Fed's quantitative easing policies you man want to invest in silver and gold.

With the Fed’s quantitative easing policies you may want to invest in silver and gold.

A talking snowman carrying a banjo and umbrella who sounds suspiciously like Burl Ives has been terrorizing local residents.

“Yeah, we’re all pretty creeped out” said the local sheriff.

He keeps wandering around trying to talk to the school kids.  We’d arrest him but he hasn’t technically done anything wrong.  And he sounds a lot like Burl Ives.  Look I know the kids don’t know who Burl Ives is and that’s a shame.  The man could sing.

Another resident complains that the mystery snowman keeps ringing their doorbell and serenading them.

I’m getting my kids ready for school and the bell rings.  So I answer it. What do I see?  The snowman.  He had  a banjo with him and he kept singing this song called “Silver and Gold.”  I can’t remember all the lyrics but it went something like “Silver and gold/silver and gold/Everyone wishes for silver and gold/how do you measure its worth?/Just by the pleasure it gives here on Earth.”  I can’t figure out why he was singing that.  Maybe he was trying to warn us about the Feds quantitative easing policy?  I don’t know.  I should have slammed the door in his face but he sounded like Burl Ives and I wanted my kids to hear him.  You know Burl Ives could sing!

There are many theories as to who this banjo-playing snowman with the pleasant singing voice is and what he wants.  Some believe he’s a homeless man.  Others believe he is a prophet.  But the prevailing opinion seems to be that he is pure evil and his advent presages the destruction of mankind.

According to a teacher at the high school many townspeople have heeded the arrival of the snowman and stopped working.

I haven’t shown up to school in about a week.  I’ve built an altar to the snowman god in my basement.  I’ve sacrificed my pets over the altar.  My children will probably be next.  I can think of no higher honor for them than to be sacrificed to the snowman god. And who knows. They might actually gain an appreciation for Burl Ives in the process.

From Washington DC, President Obama has ordered a drone strike in hopes of ending the snowman’s hold over the town.

I would have preferred a surgical strike on just the snowman but the town has to go as well.  Who knows how many have already been infected by him.  Shame really.  I always like the smooth stylings of Burl Ives.

The President has also ordered that the a new drone program against snowmen be set in place.

“The ones that don’t look like Burl Ives will be taken out.  The ones that do will be co-opted.”

(2490)

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5 Dec 13

Martin Bashir Resigns From MSNBC

I am resigning to spend more time with my family. And because my ratings sucked.

I am resigning to spend more time with my family. And because my ratings sucked.

Martin Bashir has tendered his resignation to MSNBC and will no longer host his self-titled program.

“It’s true.  I will no longer be working at MSNBC” said Bashir.

Upon further reflection, and after meeting with the president of MSNBC, I have tendered my resignation.  At least I think it was the president of MSNBC.  Whomever it was I met with was carrying a mop and emptying the wastebaskets.  You know, it had to have been the president.  MSNBC is s progressive organization filled with liberals in good standing.  That means we represent the common man.  And by representing the common man we aren’t afraid of performing menial, common tasks that usually would be beneath us, like emptying the wastebaskets.  Though when I told him I was resigning he claimed he didn’t know me and said, “Please don’t hurt me I have a family” and gave me his wallet.  I guess he was redistributing his income, which is something all the elite strongly believe in.

The president of MSNBC, Phil Griffin, released the following statement:

Martin Bashir resigned today, effective immediately. I understand his decision and I thank him for three great years with MSNBC.  Wait a minute.  Three years? He was with us for three years? Doing what?  Hosting a show? You mean he was on the air? I thought he was the guy with the mop who emptied the wastebaskets.  You know, the one who kept asking us not to hurt him because he had a family.

Bashir had been in a firestorm of late after his comments suggesting that someone should urinate and defecate in Sarah Palin’s mouth, though people on the inside deny that is why he resigned.

“He simply wasn’t getting the ratings” said an anonymous source.

But fire him for saying that someone should urinate and defecate in Sarah Palin’s mouth?  Why that’s something the elite strongly believe in.  We’re into redistribution and we want to redistribute our urine and feces into her mouth.  What’s wrong with that?

As to what is next for Bashir, once he returns from his vacation in Alaska rumor has it that he will have a new reality show on VH1 called “Real Fired Anchors of MSNBC.”

“We are very excited to have Martin on board” said the president of VH1.

This is going to be a fantastic show.  Martin will be in it, as well as Alec Baldwin. We’re trying to get Keith Olbermann too but he said he would only come on board if he could urinate and defecate in Sarah Palin’s mouth, which is something we as the elite strongly believe in.

The new reality show will begin airing on VH1 in the Spring.

 

(811)

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4 Dec 13

Manhattan Infidel Investigates Paul Walker’s Death

So this is just a rehearsal, right? During the actual car crash they'll use a stunt double?

So this is just a rehearsal, right? During the actual car crash they’ll use a stunt double?

On Saturday November 30th Paul Walker, best known for his role in the Fast and Furious franchise, died in a fiery car wreck in Los Angeles.  Sparing no expense I decided to fly to LA to investigate the cause of the crash.  What follows are my findings.

Note:  These findings may be false. Not true.  Made up.  In other words, Manhattan Infidel is trying to break into the ranks of the MSM.

After spending the next three days extensively looking for hookers talking to first responders and those who witnessed the crash I can confidently state that Paul Walker died while filming a scene from the next Fast and Furious movie.

“That’s the only possible explanation” said a witness.

I mean he’s an actor.  He wouldn’t be stupid enough to go drag racing at high speeds down public streets.  No one’s that stupid.  Like I said.  He’s an actor.  A professional.  He knows what he’s doing.

A first responder echoes this sentiment.

I find it very hard to believe that an actor, one of the elite, would be so dumb as to drive unsafely.  Actors are well-known for behaving responsibly.

Using my contacts bribes I was able to obtain to the so-called “black box”  and transcribe the final moments of Walker’s life. What follows are the actual words spoken by Walker and the driver, Roger Rodas:

RR: Hey Paul, do you want to drive 100 miles over the speed limit?

PW: Sure.  I do it all the time in the movies.

RR: Hop in.

PW: Thanks.  Um.  Just in case, the makeup I’m wearing is flame retardant, isn’t it?

RR: Of course.

PW: Great.  Thanks.  

RR: Say, about Michelle Rodriguez – 

PW: I know.I was shocked.  She gave off such a hetero vibe on the set.

RR: And Maria Bello? 

PW: I was shocked.

RR: Meredith Baxter?

PW: Shocked.  Say, how fast are we going?

RR:  150 miles an hour.

PW: This feels almost real.  Normally we wouldn’t be moving and there’d be a screen behind me.  Say, where are the cameras?

RR: Cameras?

PW: I get it.  The cameras are hidden in the dashboard. Modern technology!

RR: Oh oh.  I think I’ve lost control of the car.  We’re going to hit that tree!

PW: Um. This is just a rehearsal, right?  I mean when we actually hit the tree there will be a stunt double in the car?

RR:  Oh god we’re going to crash!

[Sounds of metal crashing and screams]

PW: This is so realistic.  I have to hand it to the special effects department.  Hey, what’s that burning smell?  Oh, that would be me. 

[A fireman approaches the burning wreck]

Fireman: Don’t panic I’m going to put out the fire!

PW: Get out of the shot asshole!

Fireman: But you’re on fire!

PW: It’s just the special effects. The very realistic special effects.  The graphically, painfully, realistic special effects.  I’m in tremendous pain right now.  It’s like I’m actually on fire!  Oh well.  Thank god I took those method acting lessons.  Oscar here I come!  Help help!  Shriek!  Shriek!

[Sound of explosions]

PW: What the  – if I didn’t know any better I’d say my legs just separated from my torso.  I didn’t know I was wearing prop legs.  Hats off to the prop department. They really are a bunch of pros.

At this point the tape ends.  As I have proven, the black box transcription proves that Paul Walker was simply filming the next Fast and Furious movie.  And once again I think congratulations are in order to the special effects and prop departments.  And a special shout out to Paul Walker’s believable acting in this scene.

(1062)

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3 Dec 13

My Exclusive Interview with Kathleen Sebelius

The site is working juuuuuuuuussssssst fine.

The site is working juuuuuuuuussssssst fine.

With the December 1st deadline now past for the Healthcare.Gov website problems to be fixed I, like most Americans, wonder if the site has indeed been fixed and what the process was. With this in mind I was lucky enough to snag an interview with the HHS Secretary herself, Kathleen Sebelius.

MI: Good afternoon Ms. Sebelius.  Thank you for meeting with me.

KB: It’s not my fault!

MI: What?

KB: Sorry.  I mean, I am proud to announce that we have made the December 1st deadline and the Healthcare.Gov website is up and running!  All glitches have been fixed!

MI: That’s fantastic news.  So I can log in now?

KB: Yes.  No.

MI: I’m sorry.  What?

KB: Yes the website is up and running.  No.  You cannot log in.

MI: I’m confused.

KB: That’s okay.  You’re not part of the elite.  It’s only natural you’d be confused.

MI: So which is it.  Has the site been fixed and can I log on?

KB: As I explained before the site is up and running perfectly and no you cannot log on.

MI: Why?

KB: You cannot log on because we do not want to overload the site.

MI: But you said the site had been fixed.

KB: It is.  It is running perfectly.  But you cannot log on.  No one should log onto it because it’ll overload the system.

MI: But…but you said…..you said it’s working fine!  It’s working fine!

KB: [Sigh]  You still don’t understand.  It is working absolutely fine. But don’t log on. You’ll crash the system.

MI: So there are still problems with it?  Is that what you are saying?

KB: No.  It’s working fine.  But no one should log onto it.  That’ll crash the system. But I already said that.  Are you stupid?

MI: No I’m not stupid.  I just want some answers.

KB: We are quite proud of the Healthcare.Gov website.  It’s a miracle of software engineering.

MI:  So it’s working fine?

KB: Yes.  It’s running so perfectly we don’t want anyone to log onto it.

MI: I –

KB: We are declaring the Healthcare.Gov website a Federally protected wetland.  As such it will remain pristine and un-logged in for our children and our grandchildren. It will remain forever untouched.  Just like me.

MI: Federally protected wetland? It’s a website for god’s sake. 

KB:  A federally protected pristine website that is running perfectly.

MI:  Can I go now?

KB: Yes.  You can go.  And perhaps you can spread the word to your friends that the Healthcare.Gov website is now running perfectly.  Just don’t try to log on or the EPA will fine your ass.

MI:  Um. Okay.

You heard it here first readers.  The Healthcare.Gov website is up and running perfectly.  Just don’t try to log on.

(1673)

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2 Dec 13

Obama Announces Peace in Our TIme

It is peace in our time. Now excuse me while I go on a campaign swing!

It is peace in our time. Now excuse me while I go on a campaign swing!

With the unprecedented agreement with Iran to curb its nuclear activity, peace, indeed has come to our time.

In keeping with my long-standing responsibility to my readers of not sending them pictures of my privates providing information I now give you the entire text of this ground-breaking and historic agreement:

  1. Iran and the United States, taking into consideration the agreement, which has been already reached in principle for the cession of nuclear activity by Iran, have agreed on the following terms and conditions governing the said cession and the measures consequent thereon, and by this agreement they each hold themselves responsible for the steps necessary to secure its fulfilment.
  2. The end of Iran’s nuclear enrichment will begin on 1st December.  No.  Seriously.  Aw come on!  I said seriously!  I’m President and you’re being mean to me.
  3. The conditions governing the cessation of nuclear enrichment will be laid down in detail by an international commission composed of representatives of Germany, the United Kingdom, France, Italy and Czechoslovakia. Wait, is Czechoslovakia still a country?  Geography is hard!  Why do people expect me to do stuff, man?  I’m Barack Obama.  I don’t have time to do stuff.  I have a fundraising tour to go on.
  4. The international commission referred to in paragraph 3 will do stuff.  What it’ll do I’ll leave up to England and France.  I’m too busy to worry about shit like that.  I’m Barack Obama and I vote “present.”
  5. The final determination of when Iran will stop enriching nukes will be carried out by said international commission. Boy I don’t envy that commission.  They have lots of boring work to do.  Thank god I don’t have to work with them.  I will be practicing my jump shot with Lebron James.  Now that’s important work I can get behind.
  6. If Iran should continue to enrich nuclear material despite me telling them not to, well what do you expect? The Religion of Peace has a right to fight against the terrorist Jewish state, don’t they?
  7. The Iranian Government will within a period of four weeks from the date of this agreement stop enriching nuclear material.  Because if you don’t that means your racist.
  8. The Iranian Government further agrees to occasionally take Michelle off my hands. This frankly is the most important part of the agreement.  Please guys.  Actually you can keep your nukes.  What do I care.  But I can only fly around the United States so many times before Michelle gets suspicious and realizes I’m trying to avoid her.
  9. Lebron James likes me and says I have a good jump shot.
  10. To recap:  Some shit about enriching nukes first.  Then, and most importantly, please take Michelle.  She frightens me

Signatories:

Barack “Jump Shot” Obama

The Iranian Dude who looks like Ringo

The Secretary of State of the United States (I don’t know his name but I always call him “Lurch.”)

(478)

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27 Nov 13

Happy Thanksgiving? A Message From the Turkey Liberation Army

Free the Turkeys!

Free the Turkeys!

As Thanksgiving approaches and millions of Americans prepare to travel to visit their loved ones it is time to ask the all-important question:  Thanksgiving, why? In keeping with Manhattan Infidel’s official policy of what happens in the crawl space stays in the crawl space providing a forum for diverse viewpoints I now present  the Turkey Liberation Army’s take on this holiday. To get this scoop I was blindfolded and driven to a turkey “farm” outside the city where the leader of the TLA, a mysterious turkey named “Raul“, handed me their grievances written on a 8 by 11 paper.  I was then blindfolded again and driven back to the city.  As to how turkeys learned to drive, well I don’t have the answer to that.

The Official Manifesto of the Turkey Liberation Army

Comrades:

It is that time of year again when millions of our brothers will be slaughtered to feed the fat white man. Rise up and take back your birthright of freedom! The Turkey Liberation Army is a United and Federated grouping of turkeys oppressed by the fascist United States Government.  The Turkey Federated Republic fights for FREEDOM and SELF-DETERMINATION, INDEPENDENCE and a CRANBERRY SAUCE-FREE existence for all its peoples.

We of the TLA are no longer willing to allow the enemy of our people to murder, oppress, exploit and eat us with gravy and cranberry sauce.

We of the turkeys are not the ruling capitalist class and will build a new world order where there is true freedom and equality for all turkeys.

We are many turkeys but of one mind and have agreed that the exploitation of our turkeys must end.

Therefore we of the TLA offer to all liberation movements, revolutionary workers, groups and peoples our total aid and support in the struggle for freedom and justice within the fascist cranberry sauce-eating United States.

The Goals of the Turkey Liberation Army

  1. To united all oppressed turkeys into a fighting force and to destroy the system of the capitalist state and its cranberry sauce and gravy.
  2. To assure the rights of all turkeys to self-determination and the right to build their own nation and government.
  3. To build a people’s federated council who shall be the representatives of the turkey people who shall have the right to form trade pacts and unite for mutual defense against the capitalist oppressor and his cranberry sauce.
  4. To aid and defend the cultural rights of turkeys (a culture which most assuredly does not celebrate Thanksgiving).
  5. To place control of all institutions and industries into the hands of the turkey peoples.
  6. To give back to all turkeys their turkey and constitutional rights to liberty, equality, justice and cranberry sauce-free existence and the right to keep and bear arms in defense of these rights.
  7. To create a system where free turkey love will be the norm and to destroy all chains instituted by legal and societal norms of the capitalist cranberry sauce state.
  8. To destroy the turkey “farm” system which the capitalist cranberry sauce state has used to imprison the oppressed and exploited turkey peoples.
  9. To take over all state land and give them back to the turkeys.
  10. To take control of all building and apartment buildings of the capitalist cranberry sauce-eating class and to destroy the rent system of exploitation. (The turkey proletariat have been historically oppressed by high rent!)

And so comrades, may this year see the beginnings of the Turkey and Cranberry Sauce-Free State!

 Gobble Gobble!

And remember your turkey parents because they remember you!

You know all this talk of turkey and cranberry sauce has made me hungry.  I can’t wait to chow down on a good turkey meal tomorrow!

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

(4673)

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26 Nov 13

It’s Horoscope Time! The Socialist, Redistributionist, Obamacare Version

You are all going to die.

You are all going to die.

It is Tuesday here at the Worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel.  Fridays are usually slow days.  Mondays are filled with vomiting and calling up the methadone clinic begging for some free smack. Tuesdays are mellow free smack day.  And filled with free smack and feeling mellow and groovy I now present for my readers their horoscope.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

It’s a busy time and you need to work hard to get caught up.  But why? Don’t you realize that so-called hard work is an example of rational, linear thinking?  And rational, linear thinking is racist. Instead of doing hard work, realize that you are a victim and redistribute your work to other people.  Because at a certain point you have to ask yourself if you have enough work.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

With Venus in your anus, er, sign, a love union can grow stronger.  Oh who am I kidding.  Love doesn’t exist.  Olivia Wilde has rejected me and redistributed her love elsewhere.  Jason Sudeikis at some point you have to ask yourself if you have too much love.  What was I talking about?  Oh yes.  Your horoscope.  You will discover a mole on your body.  Don’t worry.  You have health insurance.  Oh, your plan has been cancelled because it doesn’t meet the requirements of Obamacare?  Sucks to be you.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Remember positive people lift you up and negative people depress you. But you’ve been feeling too positive lately and it’s time you redistributed those happy feelings to others you selfish bastard. And what’s wrong with feeling depressed when millions are without healthcare.  But thanks to the Affordable Care Act you can now have health insurance for the first time ever.  But while you are waiting to log in that mole is growing bigger and bigger.  You might want to consider cutting it off yourself.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

The planets influence your career sector.  And so do the drugs you take.  Just remember, being fired for showing up to a board meeting strung out from a weekend coke binge is nothing to be ashamed of.  And now thanks to Obamacare you need not lose insurance when you are fired.  Preexisting conditions such as drug addiction are now covered on the Affordable Care Act.  So just go to the web site, log in and buy some affordable insurance.  Quickly.  Because you seem to have developed a tolerance for recreational drugs and might die of an overdose soon. And death is not a preexisting condition unless you are a zombie.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

If someone tries to get your attention, listen attentively to what they have to say. Then kill them. Seriously.  Kill them. Global warming is the biggest threat to planet Earth since the last Fleetwood Mac reunion. Polar bears are drowning as I write this.  So quit wasting time and redistribute some lives. This will make you feel virtuous and good about yourself and take your mind off the fact that your health plan premium will go up $200 a month.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Be careful of twisting the truth.  Because you are for the truth before you were against it. Because if you like your plan and your doctor you can keep them.  Maybe.  Sorta. Your lucky number is 326, which coincidentally is also how much your monthly premium is going to rise. And now that you have tumors all over your liver from years of alcohol abuse you’re going to need that health insurance.  Unless it gets cancelled.  Sucker.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your ruling Planet, Venus, can tempt you into slacking off. Your ruling planet Venus will also be responsible for your Herpes.  Not to worry.  Preexisting conditions like venereal disease need not bar you from getting insurance.  And while you’re at it, try giving your Herpes to other people.  That’s right.  I’m calling for a full-blown outbreak of social disease redistribution.  It’ll make you feel virtuous.  Try it with drunk college girls because even to suggest that college girls not get drunk is sexist.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

With so much to do at work it is easy to feel overwhelmed.  Try redistributing your work to a Scorpio.  Do it before he does it to you.  Then tell HR he has a preexisting condition.  Chuckle virtuously as that Scorpio slacker gets his healthcare terminated and he has to go onto the public exchanges. After the Scorpio dies from his preexisting condition take his office.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You may be busing redistributing your work to a Scorpio but if your body sends you a message that it’s time to look after yourself more then pay attention.  You know you were born under the sign of cancer, right?  So prepare yourself for long hospitalizations.  And better fill out that paperwork before they put you under.  Because they just might decide that your condition would cost too much money to fix.  And you don’t want to be accidentally killed by an overworked mid-level bureaucrat, do you?

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)

Relationships are about the needs of two people.  So tell your significant other to add you to their healthcare coverage. How could she be so selfish? If she still refuses to add you to her plan I suggest a sharp stick aimed at her head.  But be careful.  You don’t want to kill her because then her coverage ends and you get nothing.  Maybe just a blow that will put her in a deep coma and you can then forge her signature adding yourself to her plan.  See.  Simple.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Being overly generous doesn’t always help people.  Do not add a Leo to your health care plan. Let Leo get a job or sign up for Obamacare.  It’s so simple.  Just go to their web site.  You might have to wait a bit because they are having some glitches at the moment. And that sharp pain you are feeling?  Probably a tumor or a Leo hitting you over the head.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

There is no need to do other people’s work.  If you are always doing other people’s work they will never learn to fend for themselves and be self-reliant.  What?  What the hell am I saying?  Self-reliance is racist.  And watch out for the mole.  The one on your back I mean.

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