Alyssa Milano: Leave my Boobs Alone!

Leave my boobs alone!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Former actress Alyssa Milano has tweeted that she wants President Donald Trump to leave her boobs alone.

Being a fan of Ms. Milano’s work on Charmed (a show about female empowerment) I wanted to know why she wanted her boobs left alone. Were her boobs under attack? Perhaps she is conspiring to collude with Russia and the evidence is in her boobs?

Because I am a journalist committed to the truth I had myself shrunk to 1/32nd of an inch and placed at the foot of one of Ms. Milano’s breasts.  What follows is my excursion onto the Boobs of Darkness.

Day One

I set up base camp with my Sherpa guides at the foot of Ms. Milano’s breasts. As I looked up at the mountain I was about to climb I asked myself if I were really worthy of climbing her boobs. Were my motives pure? Would I damage the environment in the attempt? Would I meet others on boob mountain? I decided that the effort was worth it. After all by climbing her boobs I would be making one small step for man but one giant leap for mankind.

Day Two

Didn’t do much today. Still at the foot of Boob Mountain. I used my hot plate to cook some dumplings and study the known available footage of Ms. Milano’s breasts.

Day Three

Began my ascent up Boob Mountain. The mountain had a mostly smooth surface marked by the occasional dark, hairy spot. My Sherpa guides told me to avoid these spots as they “have been known to scar men for life.”  The Sherpas are nervous.  Finished the day about a 1/3 up the summit of Boob Mountain. Still no evidence of Russian collusion or why Ms. Milano would warn President Trump to leave her boobs alone.

Day Four

This was a tragic day as a major earthquake rocked Boob Mountain. Two of my Sherpas were thrown off the mountain and fell to their deaths. May God have mercy on their souls. I found out later that the earthquake was caused when Ms. Milano decided to go braless for the day. I was lucky to hang on and survive.

Day Five

I am now halfway up Boob Mountain and can see the Nipple Summit in the distance. My remaining Sherpas are extremely nervous.  “Don’t go there. You won’t like what you will find” said one.

Day Six

My Sherpas and I are almost drowned in a deep river of milk.  “She is breastfeeding!’ screams a Sherpa before he goes under the waves, never to be seen again. My last remaining Sherpa and I survive by holding on to one of the aforementioned dark, hairy spots.

Day Seven

The Nipple Summit is near and I will reach it today. Alone. My last Sherpa guide has deserted me in fear. What will I find? Evidence of collusion? Or something more horrible. I see the summit before me. I step foot on it. What is that?  No!  No!  Nooooooooooo!!!!

Postscript

It’s been a month since I reached the summit of Boob Mountain. A month of trying to forget what I saw. For what I saw was not evidence of Russian collusion but something far worse. On Nipple Summit was graffiti. What did that graffiti say?  Simply this:

HARVEY WEINSTEIN WAS HERE!

I will try to forget what I have seen. May God forgive my presumption for climbing Boob Mountain.  Some limits were not meant to be trespassed by mankind.

(30)

2 Comments

2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Terrifying, fascinating, all engrossing. Thank you for sharing that, Infidel.

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