My Exclusive Interview with Cardinal Theodore McCarrick

Would you like to go to my beach house?







Today at Manhattan Infidel™ (I report you don’t talk about the contents of my crawlspace) I have the pleasure of interviewing a subject much in the news lately, the retired archbishop of Washington, D.C., His Eminence Cardinal Theodore McCarrick.

MI: Good afternoon Cardinal McCarrick.

CM: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. Isn’t it a lovely afternoon?

MI: Yes, yes it is.

CM: It’s a gift from god who showers down upon us all our blessings.

MI: I suppose so. I’d like to talk about the fact that you’ve been suspended because of credible allegations that you sexually abused a minor.

CM: I have no recollection of this event. But back to my earlier statement about showering down blessings. God showers down upon us all our blessings. Much like how I’d take off my clothes and give golden showers down upon my seminarians.

MI:  Um. What?

CM: Oh don’t be such a stick in the mud. I like having sex with attractive young men. And being an archbishop means that I have a steady supply of young men I can abuse. I simply tell them if they don’t have sex with me their careers are over.

MI: What the?  Are you sure you want to go on record as saying this?

CM: Sure why not. Who’s going to punish me? I’m a cardinal and one of the most powerful people in the Church.

MI: I know but aren’t you afraid someone might have outed you before now?

CM: No. Let me tell you how it works. I invite a couple seminarians to my beach house. There is always not enough beds available and some lucky seminarian has to bunk with me. If he wants to advance in the Church he has sex with me. If he doesn’t I have sex with the other seminarians Either way he is compromised. Either by having sex with me or watching me have sex with other men. He can’t report me without destroying his own career. It’s security and mutually assured destruction.

MI: I don’t know what to say.

CM: Just say you’ll take your clothes off and cuddle with me on the bed.

[Kevin Spacey enters] 

I should have been a priest









KS: Hey, did you say you invite young men to your beach house?  A beach house that conveniently doesn’t have enough beds so one young man has to sleep in your bed?

CM: Yes.


KS: I like the cut of your jib, sir. I like the cut of your jib.

CM: Why thank you. I’m a big admirer of your work.

KS: And I am of yours. Why didn’t I think of that? A beach house, lack of beds. It’s genius. I should have been a priest. No one trusts actors but everyone trusts priests.

CM: May I rub your crotch?

KS: Usually I’m the one doing the rubbing but sure.

MI: Guys. Really. I’m going to have to ask you to stop it.

[Harvey Weinstein enters] 

I have copyrighted sexually abusing underlings









HW: Cardinal McCarrick. I’m going to have to ask you to stop sexually harassing those who work for you. That’s my job! I have copyrighted it and will sue you if you don’t cease and desist.

CM: But I’m sexually harassing men under my employ.

HW: Oh. That’s different. Carry on. Hey, has anyone seen Rose McGowan?  Bitch has my coke.

[He leaves]

CM: Come on Manhattan Infidel. Just take your pants off and let me caress you.

KS: Yeah, do as the man says.  

MI: I’m out of here.

CM & KS: But we haven’t even gotten to the Dirty Sanchez yet!

And so ended another disturbing interview. I think I have to go take a shower. A very long one.


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