No Catholic Need Apply

With the resignation of justice Anthony Kennedy many Democrats have expressed concerns that President Trump’s nominee to the Supreme Court will be infected with dogma.

“As an American I will not tolerate prejudice of any kind” said senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY).

But I think we can all agree that tolerating Catholics in the public square is a bridge too far. Catholics just do not have traditional American vales. They don’t believe in Democracy. They don’t believe in separation of Church and State. They don’t believe in Bigfoot. Hell, I hear they boil their children in oil and sacrifice them to ancient Babylonian gods. Not that there’s anything wrong with putting your kid in a vat of boiling oil and sacrificing them to Babylonian gods. Many of our founding fathers did the same thing I believe. But there might be an important Supreme Court decision regarding a woman’s right to rip her baby out of her womb and if Trump nominates a Catholic that person will be busy boiling their child in oil. Which is unacceptable. Ripping it out of the womb? Yes. That empowers women. Boiling it in oil? That also empowers women. Just not as much as ripping it out of the womb. Has anyone seen my pants? Yes that’s my penis. You can touch it just don’t boil it in oil.

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) told reporters that she is worried about “sniffing the air of dogma.”

I hear through reliable sources that Trump may nominate a Catholic such as Amy Coney Barrett. She has seven children. Seven! What sort of woman opens her legs and spit out a mewling, puking mass like that? This alone is prima facie evidence that she opposes abortion. If she wanted my vote instead of spreading her legs and shooting out kids she should be boiling them in vats of oil. If it was good enough for the ancient Babylonians it’s good enough for me. So no I cannot vote for a Catholic. Yes I realize that I voted for Sonia Sotomayor but that was different. She is Latino you see and has a Latino soul and heart with all the magic it carries.  You know colored people really are magical. I hear some of them even boil their children in vats of oil. God I wish I were colored.

Senator Obi-Wan Kenobi (D-Tattooine) expressed alarm over a possible sectarian judge.

Catholics are not the Supreme Court droids we are looking for. I feel a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of freedom loving atheists who make America great cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. Go to any Mass on Sunday.  You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Not that I’m prejudiced. We Tattooines are famous for tolerating everything except sand storms and Wayne Newton. And Catholics. A wretched hive of scum and villainy. Yes I know I already said that but it bears repeating. Now if you excuse me I have to heat up a vat of oil.

All right-thinking Americans who are concerned that Donald Trump, who is literally Hitler, might appoint a non-Hispanic Catholic to the Supreme Court are encouraged to call the offices of their congressperson. Or rip the MAGA hat off a teenager and throw their soft drink in his face. Whichever feels more empowering.

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