America opens wide and sucks it!

The once proud nation of the United States beclowned itself Saturday as they sat in rapture watching non-stop coverage of the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

“This is the greatest thing to happen to America since our Royal wedding of Chelsea Clinton to her husband” said an analyst for CNN.

Like all good Americans we here at CNN regret the rupture with our mother country. We particularly dislike that section in the Constitution that says “No title of nobility shall be granted.”  No titles of nobility? What savagery! We Americans are a royal nation. We deserve a royal family.  Until that happens the best we have are the Clintons, watching BBC America and marriages like Prince Harry’s. This marriage, the pomp and ceremony, the curtsying, it all reminds us of what we have lost as a nation. Sure we have a Republic. But for what? All a republican form of government does is give commoners misguided ideas about equality. And as a well-paid television analyst I balk at breaking bread with common folk.

Over at MSNBC, Al Sharpton, the spiritual and temporal leader of the black race in America, weighed in.

I loved watching the wedding. As the leader of the black race I speak for all black people when I say bring back royalty! Black people in America are helpless and do you know what could help them? A Royal family who shall be their masters. I say massas today, massas tomorrow, massas forever for black people.  Just as long as the massa ain’t a Jew that is. Blacks are helpless but not stupid.

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced that she will be sponsoring a bill to make titles of nobility legal again in the United States.

“We must pass this bill so we can see what’s in it” said Pelosi.

Nobility is what we all strive for. Nobility of spirit. Nobility of mind. Nobility of paycheck. I have all three. Yet technically I am still a commoner. This is a social injustice. I have dedicated my career to two things:  Eliminating social injustice and getting rid of the Mexicans who live in my neighborhood. Surely this qualifies me for a title of nobility. After all, what better says America than nobility? And think of the cleanliness. I shall wear white gloves and my hands will not come in contact with others. I only ask that titles of nobility be restricted to Democrats who live on either coast. Republicans and those who live in the interior states lack the necessary qualifications for nobility.

President Trump, a savage with no noble blood in him, has gone on record opposing any titles for American citizens.

“We are a republic and a republic we shall stay” he said while avoiding the subject of  common sense gun control after another school shooting.

Trump!  What a commoner!

From London Prince Harry and his bride Meghan thanked their American subjects for their warm approval.

“I look forward to reigning over America as their queen” said the new Duchess of Sussex.

(27)