What do you mean you don’t have FIOS?

A local youth known only as “That pain in the ass FIOS kid” was found dead after he was reported missing by his parents.

“The body was mutilated” said the sheriff.

His eyes were cut out and his penis was cut off. He was also dressed in woman’s clothing. Whoever, or whomever killed this kid, I’m not quite sure of the correct usage, killed him with rage. Lots of rage. I mean more rage than a 300 pound college girl with tattoos and a crew cut complaining that boys do not want to date her. Yeah, that kind of rage.

When it comes to possible suspects the police will have their hands full.

Everybody hated the little shit. I mean everybody. I wouldn’t rule out his parents as suspects either. First off even if he were mute he just looked annoying. Did he get that hair at a clown college? Or a 1970s convention? But unfortunately he wasn’t mute. He talked. About FIOS. All the freaking time. People around here go to work, pay their taxes and like to be left alone. But this shit kept cycling up to their porches and berating them for not having FIOS.  “It has the fastest internet speed!” he was always telling people. Just shut up kid. Just shut the hell up.  I wanted to arrest him but strangely enough there is no law against telling people all about FIOS. There should be. No wonder the kid was killed. I thought about doing it myself but I’m a year from retirement and I didn’t want to lose my pension.

Many locals believed the kid was possessed by the devil and took to pretending they weren’t home when they saw him.

“I had just come home and pulled into the driveway when I spotted him” said one man.

I mean I really don’t need this shit after a rough day at work. I saw my wife motioning to me from the window and mouthing “Get in quick. It’s him!” I ran as fast as I could into the house and locked the door. We then turned off all the TVs and lowered the blinds. But he still knew we were home! He still knew! I peeked out the window and saw him sniffing the tail pipe of my car and saying “Still warm!’ Then he ran up the driveway and started ringing the doorbell. We could hear him shouting “I know you’re home! I just want to talk to you about FIOS. This can all be over. Just let me in and explain the many benefits of FIOS!” He then tried to kick the door down. I wanted to shoot him but my gun was locked up because of our state’s SAFE laws. Fortunately he went away when he saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. My poor neighbor. He purposely put his arm in the lawnmower and shredded it, passing out from the pain. That’s what people did to avoid having to listen to the kid and his FIOS pitch.

The annoying kid’s body will be buried at an undisclosed location for fear of further mutilation of the corpse.

“I suppose I should open an investigation and look for the killer” said the sheriff.

“Personally I’d like to pin a medal on whomever, or whoever, I’m not quite sure of the correct usage, killed the little shit.”

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