McGruff the Crime Dog Forcibly Sterilized!

My poop is too wide








Disgraced former crime fighter McGruff the crime dog’s reputation took a further hit today after he was forcibly sterilized in a last ditch attempt to cure his “wide pooping.”

“This is a sad day for all fans of McGruff” said the doctor who performed the sterilization.

Every time you think this poor soul cannot sink any lower he does. Sterilizing someone against their will is not something we take lightly. It is only done in desperate last-case scenarios. Usually it’s confined to rapists or anyone group we feel is a danger to the social order, such as Republicans or the Irish. McGruff was just such a danger. His wide pooping could not be controlled. It was causing revulsion and panic in the community.

The doctor then described how sterilization came to be viewed as a cure.

There are some, and this is a controversial opinion, who feel that wide pooping is the result of diet and can be cured only by changing one’s diet. These people are of course wrong. I feel that wide pooping is caused by an imbalance of the four bodily humors. The only way to restore the balance is, regrettably, castration. That is why we cut McGruff’s balls off. Sure he may be angry at first. But once his poop becomes narrower he will thank us.

Reporters who were present when McGruff was informed he was about to lose his ball report that he “f*cking lost it.”

“Dude went batshit” said one.

He kept screaming “Not my balls! Not my canine balls. Take anything but my balls!” Can’t say I blame him. No one wants to lose their balls. Well, except for Caitlyn Jenner perhaps. He kept screaming “I am an American citizen. You can’t force me to do something against my will unless it is paying a fine for not having healthcare! Or maybe it’s a tax and not a fine. I’m a little hazy on the details.” He had to be held down by a couple attendants as they applied the knife. Poor fella was weeping. It’s difficult to lose one’s balls but this wide pooping epidemic has to be stopped. I support the government fully on this.

After McGruff was separated from his manhood he was given a prescription for an anti-inflammatory and sent home.

“We expect him to make a full recovery and thin poop before the week is out” said the doctor.

Still others objected to the so-called cure.  The American Society Opposed to Ball Removal released a statement in opposition to the action.

We the Members of the American Society Opposed to Ball Removal strongly condemn what happened today. American citizens should not have their balls removed simply because the government sees them as a threat to the social order. Balls should only be removed with consent as part of a gender transformation. Or accidentally as the result of wearing spandex that is too tight. Ball removal is a slippery slope.  Once you grant the government the right to remove balls the next thing you’ll know they’ll be fining us for not removing our balls. Or perhaps taxing us. It’s a grey area.

The statement ended with a chilling warning.

“Now that McGruff’s been castrated he’ll be more dangerous than he ever was when he was wide pooping. He has nothing to live for. Where there are balls there is hope.”


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