United Airlines Goes After Coveted “We Will Kill Your Dog In-Flight” Niche Market

Fly the dog killing skies!







With the major airline carriers locked in tight competition for your flying dollars many have striven to win so-called “niche or novelty” customers to help ensure profit.

“When we put that dog in the overhead bin I was like ‘Yes! Beat that other airlines’ “ said United’s CEO.

I mean when we dragged that guy off the flight last year I thought that was great. I thought we could build upon that. So I instructed our flight attendants to keep dragging people off airlines.  It’s free publicity and we acquire a brand name. But I got pushback from their union. So ever since then I’ve been searching for a marketing gimmick. I thought perhaps if we just crashed our planes that would do it. But again I got pushback from the unions. That’s when I heard about the dead dog! What a great idea! We can be known as the “animal killing” airline! Dogs are small enough to fit in overhead bins and they aren’t paying customers so screw them. Except for my shih tzu Sparky.  He flies first class on all flights.

After video of the dog being stuffed in an overhead bin went viral United’s CEO convened an emergency meeting of top brass to see how they could keep the momentum going.

We threw around a lot of good ideas. One of my favorite was to behead one passenger per flight. I really liked that idea. We could dress up the flight attendants as World War II Japanese prison guards. Go for a history theme. But then someone mentioned possible pushback from, you guessed it, the unions. 

Once the public beheading option was eliminated the possibility of flying upside down was briefly considered.

I was inspired by that movie with Denzel Washington where he’s the drunk pilot. He’s such a great actor. I was all set to issue an order to fly our entire fleet upside down when you the unions objected. Another great idea down the drain.

Now desperate the idea of killing larger animals was broached.

Sure everyone likes to see a dog die. Who doesn’t? But not enough bang for the buck. What would happen if we tried to shove a giraffe into an overhead bin?  Exactly!  Bang for the buck. Imagine the visual. All the giraffe fleshy pulp seeping out from the bin and dripping on the passengers. That’s what I’m talking about! Soon everyone would want to fly United just to see giraffe pulp. The other airlines wouldn’t stand a chance.

But as with the other ideas this was rejected after lawyers warned of union pushback.  For now United will restrict its animal killing to dogs, cats and the occasional Lithuanian. This policy will remain in effect for the immediate future.

“I just hope dogs don’t have a union. I f*cking hate unions” said the CEO.


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