Bono Deeply Sorry for Being Bono!

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I’m obnoxious but at least I’m not Matt Damon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shaken by scandals involving his “One” charity that included sexual abuse, name-calling, tax evasion, paying only one percent of its proceeds to charity and workers being forced to do domestic chores for Foundation executives legendary Irish singer Bono apologized to the world.

“I have failed to protect my workers” said Bono.

These allegations have left me reeling and furious. I need to take some responsibility for that. I hate bullying. I can’t stand it. Which is why I am not talking to The Edge anymore. He’s such a bully. Do you know he won’t let me wear any of his felt caps? Not even one. He guards them like they were gold. I said “Come on. I sing your damn songs. The crowd is here to see me not you. Just let me wear one of your caps.” Do you know what he said? “I don’t think so Mr. Hewson.” Mr. Hewson? No one has called me that since my dad. I started crying. He’s so mean. So yeah, I hate bullying and won’t stand for it. I mean domestic chores? I don’t even ask my household staff to do that. No that’s what I have a wife for.

Bono then addressed allegations of sexual abuse at his charity.

I’m against sexual abuse of any form. I’ve been on tour around the world and I’ve had thousands of groupies. Thousands. And hundreds of venereal diseases but that’s beside the point. Anyway before I allow the groupies onto the tour bus and have them hang from the sex swing I have them sign a release form stating that any and all sexual acts resulting in welts, bumps, bruises or accidental amputations are consensual. And if they sign a form saying it’s consensual it’s not abuse. And most of them are happy to sign the form seeing as they might not get a chance to sign anything again, what with the amputations and such. By the way anyone know how to get fleshy pulp stains out of a sex swing?¬† The swing is microfiber not leather and the stains really dig deep in.

But what distressed Bono the most were reports that his One Foundation only gave one percent of its proceeds to charity.

This is just like the conservative press. They are always trying to blacken my name. I blame Donald Trump. Why should it be thought scandalous if my One Foundation only gives one percent to charity? It’s called the One Foundation for a reason. If I wanted to give two percent I’d name it the Two Foundation. If I wanted to give ten percent I’d name it the Ten Foundation. If I wanted to give 25 percent – no wait that’s just crazy talk. So leave me alone will you. It’s the One Foundation. Do the math people.

Bono closed out his apology by stating that his foundation had many unexpected expenses.

“Do you know how much a sex swing costs. A good one. Classy and all. Not trashy like the ones Larry Mullen Jr. uses. He’s a drummer you know and they are all low class.”

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