Matt Damon to Move to Australia; Australia Retaliates by Breaking Off Diplomatic Relations with United States!

Maaaattt Daaaaaaaaaamon!









A special session of the United Nations has been called after Australia announced that it would recall its ambassador and break off relations with the United States.

“This is the biggest threat to Australian-US relations since Crocodile Dundee II bombed at the box office” said Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull.

Australia has been a traditional ally of the United States for over a century. We have stood by them and fought wars with them. World War I, World War II, Korea, Vietnam, The first and second Gulf wars, the war between the Czech Republic and Germany. What? It hasn’t started yet? Never mind. But my point remains. We are the United States closest ally and this is how they repay us? By exporting their Hollywood trash? I want to punch Matt Damon in the face. Australia is united in wanting to punch Matt Damon in the face. Yes, even the aborigines wan to punch him in the face. If Hollywood wants to export their talent then send us Michelle Pfeiffer or Linda Fiorentino. Australia will not take Matt Damon lying down!

The UN security council has voted to sanction and reprimand the United States for Matt Damon.

The President of the Security Council, the representative from the Netherlands, has said that peace is the top priority of the UN.

“Peace is our top priority” he said.

Okay peace is our second priority. Our top priority is raping locals in countries we go to. But you didn’t hear that from me. Well I guess you did hear it from me. But back to peace. We all want peace. We demand the United States stop Matt Damon from violating Australian sovereignty. Speaking of violating we do that a lot in countries we go to. But you didn’t hear that from – son of a bitch there I go again.

The President of the Australian Society of Boxing Kangaroos (pictured here)

Bro we will box the shit out of you!









states that they are prepared for a Matt Damon incursion.

Just let that Hollywood crybaby come here. We will deal with the threat. Has Damon ever battled someone strong and masculine who could knock him out? Besides Minnie Driver I mean. We will crush him and he will return to Hollywood bruised and battered as an NFL wife.

President Trump weighed in on the controversy and encouraged Damon to move down under.

If he moves that means I won’t have to punch him in the face. I’d like to punch him in the face but I understand there’s a long line of people ahead of me. So let him move to Australia. Then I can concentrate on punching John McCain in the face.

As for the man at the center of the controversy, Damon denies any attempt to stir up trouble between the two countries.

“I’m Matt Damon.  Maaaaaaatt Daaaaaaaaaaamon” he told a reporter.

He was then punched in the face by Minnie Driver.



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