Let me sniff your crotch

Beloved law and order personality McGruff the Crime dog has entered rehab after a series of embarrassing incidents that tarnished his previously unsullied reputation.

The problems began for McGruff (real name Sparky} after he led police to 100 pounds of cocaine.

“McGruff just went crazy” said a fellow detective.

He was drooling and before I knew he had dived into the cocaine, ripped it open and was snorting it. Then he started rolling around in it and saying ‘McGruff needs the high to relieve the stress.” I thought he’d OD. His pupils were dilated and his heart was racing. Then he started humping my leg and saying “Cocaine makes McGruff super horny.” Hey look I’m no angel and law enforcement is a stressful job. We all do things to survive we aren’t proud of. I had a captain who collected Easter bunnies and would rub them on his body when he thought no one was looking. So I hushed the incident up. We all cut each other some slack and this was his first time. Or so I thought.

Despite McGruff’s cocaine problem being hushed up things only got worse for him.

“We  had to put him on report. He kept sexually harassing the female officers” said a police HR representative.

Women started complaining that they didn’t like to go out on calls with him.  One women told me that he asked her to drive and then spent the entire time in the passenger seat licking his balls. Right in front of her! He just unbuttoned his trench coat and said “McGruff’s balls got to breathe, baby!” Then he asked her if she wanted to “Lick them and get in on some freaky female detective-dog action.” We brought him in and counseled him that his behavior was not acceptable anymore. He said he was very sorry and started crying. I felt sorry for him so I didn’t put a formal reprimand in his record.

But McGruff didn’t take advantage of the opportunity and continued harassing female detectives.

“One morning McGruff starting humping my leg” said a detective.

I was horrified. I mean yeah sure we’ve always had a flirtatious relationship but I never expected him to try and rape me in front of my colleagues. That’s just not professional. So I screamed “Get off my leg!” He didn’t stop but said “McGruff would crawl across cut glass to hump your sexy ass leg!” Finally the other detectives tasered him and I was able to escape. I feel so violated and non-empowered. It’s like McGruff is my own personal Harvey Weinstein.

Unable to look the other way any further McGruff was suspended by his superiors and told he could only get his job back if he entered rehab.

McGruff has issued a statement apologizing for his actions and promises to come out of rehab a better detective.

“I will get clean and sober. And who knows. I hear rehab has some sweet ass. I intend to hump them all.”

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