If only America had stricter gun control laws the destruction caused by Rambo would not happen!

John Rambo has been sued by Hope, Washington after his late rampage destroyed the town’s sheriff’s office and much of the downtown business district.

“We are a small peaceful town that likes a small peaceful existence” said Hope’s mayor.

And then this Rambo character shows up. Sheriff Teasle told me that he arrested Rambo for vagrancy and put him in our jail. Well that’s his job.  We don’t know Rambo from shinola. All we know is that he had long hair and looked slightly Italian. This is a progressive town and we tolerate long hairs but to have Italians walking the streets with impunity only invites more Italians. And before you know it the entire town will be overrun. It’s like a few years back when an Irishman was spotted in town. We tarred and feathered him and ran him out of town. Because you don’t want ethnic types like the Irish running around. I said at the time if we don’t take a strong stand on the Irish next we’ll have to worry about Italians. Looks like I was right. It could be worse. At least no Latvians have shown up. Damn Eastern Europeans.

“This is all Rambo’s fault” said Sheriff Teasle from the hospital bed where he was recovering from wounds inflicted after Rambo shot him with an M60 and he fell through a skylight.

I just wanted him to respect the law. That’s why I arrested him in the first place. What makes American society so great is we are a nation of laws. And law. And without law we’ll have chaos. And Italians. And no one wants that. I demand justice!  I mean sure I could have let him go with a fine but that permissive approach to law and order only invites destruction. Kind of like how Rambo destroyed our downtown business district. I blame toxic male masculinity personally. What we need in this town is women to run everything. 

The rampage and destruction caused by Rambo was covered live by CNN, which broke into regular programming to cover the latest example of gun violence in America.

“I’m here in the town of Hope, Washington where there has been another case of gun violence in our divided country” said reporter Jake Tapper.

At this point we don’t know Rambo’s motives and we don’t want to speculate but could he possibly be using opioids? Is he upset over Russian collusion in the 2016 Presidential election? Is he Italian? What we do know is he is in possession of an M60 assault machine gun. A weapon of war and an automatic rifle which may or may not have a bump stock. I just want to take this opportunity to damn our founding fathers for giving us the second amendment. God damn this second amendment. God damn white men and God damn the United States of America!

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After seeing CNN’s rating rise because of their coverage of Rambo’s gun violence CNN announced a development deal with John Rambo.

“We bailed him out and paid the damages to the town” said President and CEO Jeff Zucker.

“In return John Rambo has agreed to work with us. We are hoping he will bring his special insight to our network. He has also promised to go on more gun-based rampages, which we of course will cover exclusively here at CNN, the most trusted name in news.”

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