Katy Perry Kills Nun!

Don’t mess with Katy Perry!









Tragedy struck the pop world as Katy Perry, beloved by millions the world over for kissing girls, roaring and a curious left shark, killed a nun in broad daylight.

The singer had been engaged in a protracted court battle with The Sisters of The Most Holy and Immaculate Heart of The Blessed Virgin Mary over the sale of the Order’s convent in the Los Feliz neighborhood of Los Angeles.

The 89-year old nun, Sister Catherine Rose Holzman’s last words before her death regarding the court case and Perry’s wish to buy the convent were “To Katy Perry, please stop. “It’s not doing anyone any good except hurting a lot of people.”

Upon hearing this Perry, who inspires fear and terror among all she meets, allegedly vowed to “Crush the sister like I crushed [Russell] Brand”. a reference to her ex-husband who is currently in hiding.

When the nun appeared in court Perry leaped onto a table and shouted “Hey sister, I kissed a girl and I liked it.”

Sister Holzman was immediately stricken and clutched her chest before collapsing dead in front of the startled courtroom. Perry then made her escape through a skylight while shouting “Don’t mess with Perry! I always get what I want! Except for Hillary Clinton winning the Presidency.”

Strangely this wasn’t the first time a recording artist has been responsible for the death of a religious figure. In 1967 while on tour in America The Who’s Keith Moon raped and murdered a Methodist minister in Knoxville, Tennessee.  In 1971 Led Zeppelin’s Jimmy Page ate a Presbyterian elder.

“I gain strength by eating my enemies” Page said at the time.

Both cases were settled out of court for significant cash settlements.

After the Page cannibalism a truce of sorts existed between religious figures and rock musicians. This shaky truce was tested during the heyday of the band Creed.

“Religious figures actually paid people to kill Scott Stapp” according to a reporter for the Catholic News Agency.

It became something of a competition to see who would pay the most and take credit for the assassination. Millions of dollars changed hands. But Stapp must have some deal worked out with the devil. Or he’s the reincarnation of Rasputin because all our attempts failed. Not that Catholics believe in reincarnation. I don’t know about those Episcopalians though. Bastards that they are.

Many now fear that Perry’s actions mean a new war between rock and religion. The Who have cancelled their upcoming tour of America and Pete Townshend has gone into hiding.

“They still hate us for the Moon incident. I’ve even had to disguise my nose as a flag pole so the bastards can’t find me” said the frightened guitarist.

When asked if the Trump administration might intervene and negotiate a truce between the two warring factions Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said it would not be possible.

Look we have a lot on our plate now. We’ve just begun talking to Kim Jong-un and while he might be crazy as a bed bug at least he’s rational some of the time. You can’t say the same about rock stars. Let’s use David Crosby as an example.You ever try negotiating with David Crosby? It’s like trying to move your bowels at 65 years of age when you have an all red meat diet and haven’t had a salad since the 1980s. Nothing but straining, blood, confusion and bitter disappointment.

Meanwhile Katy Perry has been spotted buying assault rifles.

“Cry havoc and I kissed the dogs of war and I liked it” she told a reporter.


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