Who cares who wins?

The National Football League announced today that starting with the 2018 season all starting lines must include 1/3 female representation, 1/3 transsexual representation and 1/3 binary representation.

“For too long the National Football League has been the bastion of penises” said Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Look on any sideline during any football game.  Sure we have white, black, Latino, or is it Hispanic, players. But this is just superficial. Look deeper and you’ll find that all our players have penises.  One hundred percent penis. In fact there are more penises at NFL games than you’ll see in a Miley Cyrus video. All these penises in one place is intolerable. Is this what the fans of the NFL really want to see? Physically strong men with penises smashing into one another?  I don’t think so. I have my finger on the pulse of the average NFL fan. My chauffeur is an average NFL fan. So is my gardener. They both say the same thing to me:  “Please Senor Goodell no report me to Immigration and Naturalization.” That and “Please senor Goodell I no like you to beat me.” What? Did I just say that? I mean they often ask me when men and women without penises will be able to play in the NFL. Well now their concerns have been answered.

To address the non-penis gap next year all teams shall be required to provide proof to league offices that they have women and men without penises on their team.

Now I know what many of you are saying: “Roger I need a Mexican gardener. A trustworthy one that won’t steal my pot. Can you recommend one?” No wait I mean “Roger will this affect the quality of play next year?” To tell the truth I don’t know. The quality of play might be worse. But since when do fans go to a game to see high quality level of play? Surely not the guy who validates my parking ticket at NFL Headquarters. I asked him if he is concerned about quality of play and do you know what he told me?  “Please senor Goodell I give you bueno pot. Return my family to me.” Granted my Spanish is not good but I think bueno means “I don’t care about quality of play as long as the field has gender diversity.”

As for the transsexual representation the NFL has of yet not decided whether it should be pre- or post-op.

We at NFL Headquarters have thought about this and frankly we are at a conundrum. If the transsexuals are pre-op would that mean they are penis, or binary, representation? And if the transsexuals are post-op would that mean they are counted under female representation? Even if their new vaginas aren’t self-lubricating? Hmm. A non self-lubricating vagina? I bet that’s a lot like dry chicken parm. Anyway as you can see have to study this issue further.

Goodell closed his press conference by addressing the fears of NFL fans.

“The NFL as you know it will be exactly the same. It’s like I said to the Mexican prostitute I picked up last night:  ‘You give me a rusty trombone and I’ll give you an Irish perm.‘ “

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