
You’re all getting new cars!
Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing a woman who has been in the news a lot lately. I am referring of course to Oprah Winfrey.
MI: Good afternoon Miss Winfrey.
OW:Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. It is a pleasure to be here and address the rumors that are swirling around me.
MI: You are of course referring to the rumors that you might run for President?
OW:Yes. I have given it a lot of thought. I’m flattered and I am not entirely ruling it out. It is something I’m seriously considering.
MI: Really?
OW: If I were President I think I would be able to change the direction of America for the better with my compassionate policies.
MI: What would your policies be?
OW: For starters everyone…….GETS……….A…..NEW….CAR!
MI: A what?
OW: HELLO!!!………A…….BRAND……NEW….CAR…..FOR……ALL AMERICANS!
MI: A new car? That’s your policy?
OW:Vote for me and get a………BRAND…..NEW….CAR!
MI: Isn’t that technically bribery?
OW: Um. No. It’s……socialism! Because I’m redistributing BRAND……..NEW…..CARS!
MI: Socialism?
OW: Yes. Um. Compassion for everybody and BRAND……NEW……CARS!
MI: How would you pay for giving all Americans a –
OW: BRAND…..NEW….CAR!
MI: Yes. A brand new car.
OW: [Pause] I don’t know. I guess I’ll have my producers take it out of the show budget.
MI: Show budget? Okay. Well that’s about all the time we have –
OW: What’s that your eating?
MI: This? Oh it’s sauteed flounder with mint and tomatoes.
Tastier than a new car!
OW: [Licking lips] It looks delicious.
MI: Oh trust me. It is.
OW: You have other food. What is that?
MI: This? Oh it’s cheeseburger tortilla pizza.
To hell with a brand new car I want to eat this!
OW: Looks absolutely lip smacking good.
MI: I get these recipes from Weight Watchers and they are all great.
OW: Yes, yes I know. I’m a spokeswoman for them.
MI: After I finish this I intend to have broiled steak and peppers with easy spicy green sauce.
Mmm. Good!
OW: I want that.
MI: I wish I could offer you some but I only have enough for me.
OW: I’ll give you a……….BRAND…….NEW……CAR!
MI: Thanks but I live in Manhattan. I don’t own a car. The subways pretty much take me everywhere I want to go.
OW: I’ll give you ………TWO…..BRAND…..NEW…..CARS!
MI: I’ll pass.
OW: [Pause] Just give me the f*cking food now!
MI: What? No. I’m eating this!
OW: It’s because I’m black isn’t it? You don’t want to share your food with a black person!
MI: I told you this is my food!
OW: F*ck you! F*ck you and give me that damn food!
[Oprah lunges towards Manhattan Infidel and grabs him by the neck]
OW: Give me the f*cking food now!
[Manhattan Infidel maces Oprah Winfrey]
OW: Ouch! Mace! So this is what mace feels like. Usually I’m the one with the can of mace and I’m macing Stedman every time he tries to touch me!
MI: I’m out of here. Bye.
And so ended my interview with the woman who may be our next president. It could have been worse. I might have been interviewing Kelly Clarkson.
(109)
Imagine, Infidel, a 2020 Oprah/Michelle ticket.
Some plans are made in paradise.
That was pretty racist of you to DENY FOOD to the person of color.