My Exclusive Interview With Potential Presidential Candidate Oprah Winfrey

You’re all getting new cars!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing a woman who has been in the news a lot lately. I am referring of course to Oprah Winfrey.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Winfrey.

OW:Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. It is a pleasure to be here and address the rumors that are swirling around me.

MI: You are of course referring to the rumors that you might run for President?

OW:Yes. I have given it a lot of thought. I’m flattered and I am not entirely ruling it out. It is something I’m seriously considering.

MI: Really?

OW: If I were President I think I would be able to change the direction of America for the better with my compassionate policies.

MI: What would your policies be?

OW: For starters everyone…….GETS……….A…..NEW….CAR!

MI: A what?

OW: HELLO!!!………A…….BRAND……NEW….CAR…..FOR……ALL AMERICANS!

MI: A new car?  That’s your policy?

OW:Vote for me and get a………BRAND…..NEW….CAR!

MI: Isn’t that technically bribery?

OW: Um. No. It’s……socialism!  Because I’m redistributing BRAND……..NEW…..CARS!

MI: Socialism?

OW: Yes. Um.  Compassion for everybody and BRAND……NEW……CARS!

MI: How would you pay for giving all Americans a –

OW: BRAND…..NEW….CAR!

MI: Yes. A brand new car.

OW: [Pause]  I don’t know. I guess I’ll have my producers take it out of the show budget.

MI: Show budget?  Okay. Well that’s about all the time we have –

OW: What’s that your eating?

MI: This? Oh it’s sauteed flounder with mint and tomatoes. 

Tastier than a new car!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OW: [Licking lips]  It looks delicious.

MI: Oh trust me. It is.

OW: You have other food. What is that?

MI: This? Oh it’s cheeseburger tortilla pizza. 

To hell with a brand new car I want to eat this!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OW: Looks absolutely lip smacking good.

MI: I get these recipes from Weight Watchers and they are all great.

OW: Yes, yes I know. I’m a spokeswoman for them.

MI: After I finish this I intend to have broiled steak and peppers with easy spicy green sauce. 

Mmm. Good!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OW: I want that.

MI: I wish I could offer you some but I only have enough for me.

OW: I’ll give you a……….BRAND…….NEW……CAR!

MI: Thanks but I live in Manhattan. I don’t own a car. The subways pretty much take me everywhere I want to go.

OW: I’ll give you ………TWO…..BRAND…..NEW…..CARS!

MI: I’ll pass.

OW: [Pause]  Just give me the f*cking food now!

MI: What? No. I’m eating this!

OW: It’s because I’m black isn’t it? You don’t want to share your food with a black person!

MI: I told you this is my food!

OW: F*ck you!  F*ck you and give me that damn food!

[Oprah lunges towards Manhattan Infidel and grabs him by the neck]

OW: Give me the f*cking food now!

[Manhattan Infidel maces Oprah Winfrey]

OW: Ouch!  Mace!  So this is what mace feels like. Usually I’m the one with the can of mace and I’m macing Stedman every time he tries to touch me!

MI: I’m out of here. Bye.

And so ended my interview with the woman who may be our next president. It could have been worse. I might have been interviewing Kelly Clarkson.

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1 Comment

One Response

  1. LSP says:

    Imagine, Infidel, a 2020 Oprah/Michelle ticket.

    Some plans are made in paradise.

    That was pretty racist of you to DENY FOOD to the person of color.

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