Manhattan Infidel Uncovers the Original Six Million Dollar Man!

We can build a better penis









Like many people my age I remember fondly the Six Million Dollar Man TV show. Steve Austin. Astronaut. Barely alive.

But what many people do not realize is the the show we saw was not the original version. That was called “The Six Million Dollar Penis” but was cancelled after censors objected.

Using my contacts in show biz I took a bubble bath with Harvey Weinstein I now present the original pilot to The Six Million Dollar Penis.

Opening Narration:

Steve Austin, astronaut. A man whose penis is barely alive after an accident with a paper shredder. Gentlemen, we can rebuild his penis. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic penis. Steve Austin’s penis will be that penis. Better than it was before. Better, stronger, faster, longer, thicker.

Scene One (The Trouble with Bionics):

Oscar Goldman: Steve sit down. There’s something I want to talk to you about.

Steve Austin: Is it my bionic penis? I want to thank you for rebuilding it.

Oscar Goldman: Yes. Have you noticed any problems or bugs with your penis?

Steve Austin: Well last night I was lying on the bed rubbing one out and I put a hole in the ceiling.

Oscar Goldman: I was afraid of that. You see Steve a bionic penis is not a toy. It’s a weapon we intend to use against the enemies of America. Right now the Russians are working on their own bionic penis program. There is a bionic penis race and we must maintain bionic penis superiority!

Steve Austin But what about sex?

Oscar Goldman: I’m afraid that’s out of the question. You would end up eviscerating any woman you penetrated.

Steve Austin: So what am I supposed to do? I’m still a young man!

Oscar Goldman: We’ve thought about that. And I’m afraid until Congress gives us money to build a bionic woman you’ll have to remain celibate.

Steve Austin: Bullshit. You know what I think about that? 

[Austin drops his pants and begins pleasuring himself in front of Goldman]

Oscar GoldmanNo!  Steve don’t!  I beg you!

[Austin climaxes, decapitating Goldman]

Scene Two (The Russians Have Problems):

First Russian Scientist: Comrade where is the subject with the bionic penis? Is it functioning?

Second Russian Scientist:  Afraid not. He drank a lot of vodka.

First Russian Scientist: What about subject number two?

Second Russian Scientist: A tragedy. He escaped last night and went into town. All I can say is the women look like strands of spaghetti now.

First Russian Scientist: Subject number three?

Second Russian Scientist: His penis rejected him and we had to cut it off. Don’t worry. We safely disposed of it at Chernobyl.

I don’t know about you readers but I would have liked to see this version instead. It made a number of political statements. Obviously the bionic penis represented toxic male masculinity. The show was decades ahead of its time.


2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    That was a deeply disturbing portrayal of patriarchal aggression, Infidel.

    And you’ve been hacked, by the Russians.

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