Teachers of America Refuse Firearms Training; Worry That it Will Cut Into Time Spent Sleeping With Students

Carry a gun? I’d rather sleep with my students








Two weeks after the massacre in Florida and a week after President Donald Trump said he would be comfortable arming teachers, the teachers of America remain united in refusing to arm or even take firearms training.

“Trump is literally Hitler” said one teacher.

He wants to arm us? No one needs a gun. They are weapons of war. And he wants to arm us? My job as an educator is educate my students. And to shape my student’s minds so they will be prepared to vote Democrat. And sleep with them of course. Though the third one is technically a perk and not something we officially strive for. But it is a fun perk.  By the way can anyone help me figure out how to send a photo of my penis to one of my students? I have 3000 dick pics on my phone but I need help sending them.

One teacher spoke of the offensive shape of guns.

As as 25 year-old committed feminist I find guns morally repugnant. They all are shaped like penises. And like penises bring nothing but misery to my gender. I will never hold a penis-shaped gun in my hand. Granted I’ve never held a penis in my hand either but we should impeach Trump and repeal the second amendment. Only then will I feel safe from the patriarchy and can devote my time to sleeping with my female students.

Still a third teacher spoke of the expense and time required for proficiency in fire arms.

Guns are not cheap. Gun licenses are not cheap. Firearm safety training takes time. Do you know how many hours a week I set aside for sleeping with my students?  Why I’m probably sleeping with more women than my wife is! And this orange Hitler, this illegitimate president who stole the election from Hillary wants me to take time out of my busy schedule of sleeping around to go to firearms training? My students depend on me. They need me. Love is love and if I can give my students the love they deserve isn’t that much better? Wouldn’t sleeping with teenagers prevent gun violence? After all if a 15 year-old is approached by an older man who says he wants to touch them wouldn’t that help their self-esteem and mental health? Wouldn’t it be better for teenagers to be introduced to sex from someone much older than them? Someone experienced? Someone with sex toys?

Still not all teachers are opposed to arming themselves. According to one special ed teacher in The Bronx, New York it’s high time to arm oneself.

“I just want to shoot all my students. Shoot them in the goddamn head. Feral bastards.”



2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Yes, Infidel. It’s time to end patriarchy by banning guns.

    And the Bronx.

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