Peter Rabbit is Dead!

Put me down! My back is very fragile











Local anthropomorphic animal Peter Rabbit is dead.

“My daughter wanted a pet to replace the cat we gave back to the shelter” said the little girl’s father.

Yeah I know what you’re saying. Why did I return the cat? It kept peeing all over the bed! When I was sleeping in it! You try waking up to cat urine-soaked bed sheets. But anyway we needed another pet to keep the brat happy. A dog was out of the question because I didn’t want to walk the damn thing in the middle of winter picking up its poop. But then I saw a rabbit hole in the back yard. So I looked inside the hole and I saw this rabbit wearing human clothing. He waved at me and said “Hello. My name is Peter. Peter Rabbit.”  I was surprised to say the least since Peter is such an unusual name for a rabbit. I thought he’d make a good pet. I asked him if he’ d like to live in my house. I even told him I have Netflix and we could watch Game of Thrones together. He said no. That’s when I hit him over the head and grabbed him.

Peter Rabbit woke up inside a cage in the daughter’s bedroom.

I could hear him saying “Hello. Anyone? Can I be let out? I won’t tell the police. I just want to go back to my house to live with my widowed mother Mrs. Josephine Rabbit and her sisters Flopsy, Mopsy and Cotton tail. They might be worried about me. Hello? I don’t like cages.” I kind of felt sorry for him but I was watching Game of Thrones and couldn’t be bothered. Besides, my daughter needed a pet.

Despite Peter’s anguished cries he did not appear to be in any immediate danger.

But then then the daughter came home from school.

I told my daughter she had a new pet in her room. She was so happy she didn’t even stop to ask me what was happening on Game of Thrones. Whatever. Kids. Anyway she went up right to her room. I guess she must have tried to pick him up because I heard Peter screaming “No! No don’t. My bones are very fragile.” Then I heard popping, snapping noises. My daughter yelled “Come quick daddy. Peter is hurt.”  Though she really should have said “come quickly.”  Proper grammar is a passion with me. That and Game of Thrones. Anyway I get up to her room and Peter is lying on the floor. I think my daughter must have accidentally snapped his neck. Oh well. Nothing I could do at this point so we buried him in his back yard. I went out of my way to be sensitive. I even went to his rabbit hole and said “Hey Mrs. Josephine Rabbit. My daughter killed your son. Snapped his neck and we are going to bury him now. You’re invited.” I think she appreciated the gesture though during the burial she kept crying and calling me a “Human son of a bitch.” Women are so emotional you know.

After the burial the man went to the pet store to buy his daughter a new pet.

“Hermit crabs. All she has to do is water them. I don’t see how the little brat can kill them.”


2 Responses

  1. peter rbabit says:

    tis is not true!!!!! Im alaive.

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