Please don’t touch me. I have a human allergy

We’ve all gone on job interviews. Sometimes they go well. Sometime they do not go well. Sometimes you end up asking the HR lady if “she’s into it?”

The reality is job interviews are stressful. Granted not as stressful as ending up in the exact change line at a toll booth without exact change. But stressful nonetheless.

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we sympathize and as a service to our readers are providing this handy template to help you answer tough job interview questions.

Good  luck. And resist the urge to ask the HR lady if she has lubricant.

You are asked why you left your last position. The proper response is:

1. I was ready for a new challenge
2. The company decided to move in a new direction
3. It was all just a simple misunderstanding that got blown out of proportion
4. Bitch wouldn’t let me touch her!

You are asked to explain that 18-month gap in your resume. You respond:

1. It was a tough economic time. I took many temp jobs while going on interviews hoping to get my next position
2. Sometimes things just work out that way. I did my best and was actively looking for work
3. 18 months? That must be a typo. I was out of work for 30 months
4. Prison made me tougher and I learned many valuable skills. Would you like to be my bitch?

You are asked what you are looking for in your next position. The proper response is:

1. A chance to grow professionally
2. I want to learn new skills and make myself as valuable as I can to my employer
3. More money, obviously
4. I don’t want my internet activity monitored. What do you care if my love of hard-core porn has kept me from establishing emotional bonds with my fellow humans?

You are told that there will be significant overtime and weekend work. What do you say?

1. Whatever is necessary I will do. I’m all about teamwork
2. I have personal responsibilities outside of work but of course will always be available to work overtime whenever I can
3. My last boss asked me to work overtime. I keyed his car
4. May I dry hump you?

You are asked to provide three references. What do you say?

1. I anticipated your request and here are my references
2. Promise to provide references in a future email
3. None of my former supervisors are currently living. Not that I had anything to do with these mysterious disappearances
4. Can’t I just give you my porn tape?  I’m very proud of it and it’ll show you my versatility and full range of motion

The interview went well and you are asked when you can start. Your response is:

1. I’ll have to give two weeks notice at my current job
2. As soon as you want me
3. Why are you getting all up in my face about this shit? I’ll show up when I show up
4. I’m all about leather and am currently riding the roadies’ tour bus for a popular heavy metal band. They might want to use me until at least the first part of the tour. Or until they find someone younger. It’s tough to tell with these guys. I’ll have to get back to you

And there you have it.  Just follow my advice and you will soon have that dream job. Good luck!

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