Johnny Appleseed Named Domestic Terrorist!

The face of hate







Dangerous itinerant Swedenborgian missionary John Chapman, aka, “Johnny Appleseed” has been named a domestic terrorist and placed on a no-fly list by the Department of Homeland Security.

“This man is a walking menace” said an official at the Department of Homeland Security.

Why he’s still alive is anyone’s guess. I’m just surprised that righteous Americans haven’t woken up in anger and shot this man. Well, at least in the states where guns haven’t been confiscated. There are so many things this kook is guilty of. For one what’s with the pot on his head. It could be just a weird fashion choice. Or perhaps it’s a signal to schoolkids that he has pot to sell them. And we don’t want our kids smoking pot. It might cloud there brains and confuse them when they are sexually transitioning into any of the 31 recognized genders. And that cult he belongs to. What the hell is a Swedenborgian? A follower of Abba? Perhaps Victor Borge? Whatever it is we at Homeland Security want it stamped out. If we tolerated Swedenborgians today then tomorrow we’ll have to tolerate Lutherans. I suppose they follow Luther Vandross. I don’t know. We really don’t follow religion too closely here at the Department of Homeland Security. That’s not in our wheelhouse. Or primary job is to defend America from foreign and domestic terrorists. And Methodists. Let’s not forget the Methodists.

But perhaps what really put Johnny Appleseed on the Department’s radar was his insistence of planting apple trees across the United States.

We can’t have citizens of this great, free land of ours just walking around wherever they want. He’s been caught trespassing on the King’s property. I mean Federal land. And you know what he did on that land? Planted apple trees. That’s another thing we can’t have people doing in this great, free land of ours. Federal property is to be used exclusively for polluting local waterways. I mean protecting mother Earth.

Many citizens support the Department’s designation of Appleseed as a domestic terrorist.

“The man destroyed my wedding” said one irate citizen.

I had planned this wedding for over a year. I even picked out a dress. And then Appleseed comes into town preaching the glory of apples and planting those damn trees everywhere. I listened to him because he looked harmless. If you can’t trust a man with a pot on his head who can you trust? He didn’t look dangerous or Presbyterian. “Eat apples” he kept saying. “Eat only apples. You’ll feel physically and spiritually healthy.”  So I did. And you know what happened? The day of my wedding I got diarrhea.  Right when I was walking down the aisle. I felt queasy and tried to hold it in but couldn’t. Next thing you know explosive diarrhea everywhere. All over me. All over the dress. All over the wedding party. Hell, all over the walls of the church. People thought a bomb had gone off. I felt so embarrassed I converted and became a Unitarian.


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John Chapman, aka “Johnny Appleseed” has been shot dead by agents from the Department of Homeland Security.

“I just wanted to wound him” said the agent who shot him.

“But when I walked over to him he was lying on the ground holding up an apple. ‘Eat the apple. The apple is the life’ he told me. I was so enraged by his lack of contrition I pumped a few rounds into his head. I heard those Baptists were weird folk.”


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