Please try to cut yourself while not on duty

Under pressure to maintain an increasing number of recruits, the U.S. Army announced today that it will now be accepting those with a history of “self-mutilation, bi-polar disorder, depression and drug and alcohol abuse.”

“We really didn’t have much of a choice” said Army Chief of Staff General Mark A. Milley.

We’re fighting I don’t know, seven, eight wars overseas. We need more recruits. We tried offering recruitment money but that only went so far. Once people found out that they might die for some reason they didn’t want to sign up. Come on it’s the army. It’s not all shits and giggles and making fun of the Air Force. We even changed our uniform from green to blue because studies found chicks dig men in blue. But we were still below recruitment levels.

With no other options available and needing more troops for useless nation-building it was decided to open recruitment to those who want to die anyway.

Think about it. If you are suicidal then being blown up or shot by Muslims in Africa in some country we are not at war with will sound more attractive. You’ll join and be willing to be sent overseas to die. Granted not to fight the enemies of America but so we can feel good about ourselves.

Already the new policy appears to providing dividends.

Recruitment is way up! We’re going to go about our numbers. We’re even thinking of sending more troops overseas to fight in countries we are not at war with and have no strategic or tactical importance to the United States. Because it’s all about feeling good about ourselves.

However the new policy is not without risks.

Even marijuana use is being allowed now. Because it’s all about numbers. We’ve found that the pot smokers tended to just giggle a lot when we gave them orders. But to be fair, so do most of our recruits. The self-mutilators weren’t much different. Except instead of giggling they just used the bayonet to carve themselves up. But the suicidal ones show great promise. They were more than willing to die overseas in useless wars that have no meaning. I mean isn’t that why the Army exists?  To be entangled in overseas wars?

General Milley also stated that the new policy will be Army policy for the foreseeable future.

Recruitment numbers are way up. We’re even thinking of taking our excess suicidal, pot-smoking, self-mutilating members and start a war with Canada. Canada!  Like that’s a real country. It’s too cold and what the hell is curling anyway?

“Our new policy is compassionate and inclusive” he said. “I mean why should the officers be the only ones who are mutilating themselves or suicidal.”

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