So…….do you come here often?

Reeling from the loss of the love of his life, social worker Edith Keeler, Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise has reluctantly entered the dating scene again.

“It’s been tough the past few weeks” said Kirk.

I really thought Edith and I (pictured here)

The love of James T. Kirk’s life.

would spend the rest of our lives together. She had everything I wanted. Personality, brains, boobs and a vagina. But mostly boobs and a vagina. But then my first officer Spock told me that Edith Keeler had to die or the Nazis would win World War II. At first I was all like, “So what? Let the Nazis win. They’re socialists after all, and socialism is a compassionate economic system.” But then Spock was all like, “Jim, if Edith lives, millions will die who did not die before.”  What can I say. The Vulcan knows how to guilt trip. So I had to let her get run over in traffic. You know it’s her fault actually. She should have looked both ways.

Kirk first joined Match.com hoping to find a new romantic partner.

That didn’t work out. Turns out all the women on match want money. When they find out I’m career military they lose interest. I mean come on. I have stories, interesting stories to tell these women. But all they wanted were expensive shoes and hand bags. So I deleted my Match account.  It’s your loss, ladies.

Kirk also tried eHarmony but had to quit that after his inbox got flooded with date suggestions.

Star Fleet puts strict quotas on inbox size. Don’t ask me why. We can travel faster than the speed of light but can’t maintain a decent server. Go figure.

Not finding luck on eHarmony Kirk then went to a fetish site called “Green women dating.”

I’ve always had a thing for green women. No man alive can resist one. Once you go green you never go back.

Once you go green you never go back

So I said what the hell, might as well get me some hot green action. Unfortunately all the green women are on the other side of the galaxy and I can’t ask Star Fleet to divert the Enterprise so I can get me some. I think. I’l have to check the regulations again for a loophole.

Finally out of options Kirk opened up a Tinder account.

If I can’t find true love then I might as well give in and go for hookups. I’ve been told Tinder is good for that. So I started posting shirtless photos of me online

Looking to hook up?

Hey ladies, want some of this?

and the response was immediate. I mean immediate. Suddenly I was getting more action than a late 20th century-early 21st century Earth Democratic politician. The ladies were lining up for a piece of Jim. Who needs true love?  I wish I had started using Tinder earlier.

Still, Kirk’s Tinder conquests have come with a price.

“I think I got syphilis from one of them” he said.

Always use protection

“At least that’s what Dr. McCoy thinks. And that old country doctor is never wrong. I knew I should have used protection.”

(59)