Beverly Crusher Sues Captain Jean Luc Picard for Sexual Harrassment!

Rub my bald head Beverly! Rub it!

Rub my bald head Beverly! Rub it!

Already reeling from the #Ferengilivesmatter movement, Starfleet was hit with a second scandal, this time on board its flagship the Enterprise.

In the suit filed today the respected Chief Medical Officer accuses Picard of a “pattern of sexual harassment that made the workplace uncomfortable.”

Since I was a little girl I’ve wanted to be a doctor in Starfleet. To meet new civilizations. To boldly go where no person has gone before. I worked hard to get my rank. Then I was assigned to the Enterprise. Jean Luc tells me he’s going to make me the Chief Medical Officer. I was thrilled. Finally everything I had worked for. But then he says to get the job I had to go to his quarters and rub his bald head while he read Sherlock Holmes. Naked. I was disgusted. I ran back to my quarters and sobbed. I sobbed like my son Wesley does all the time. Probably because he knows he’ll never be the man Commander Riker is.

On another occasion Crusher was called to Picard’s quarters at 3 am.

I thought it was a medical emergency. Perhaps he was having a stroke or something. Instead when I got there he was wearing a Robin Hood outfit.

Come on Beverly have some fun. You know you want it!

Come on Beverly have some fun. You know you want it!

“We’re going to role play” he said. “You’re my Maid Marion and I’m going to penetrate you like Kobe Bryant penetrates female reporters in his hotel room.”  I had to look it up to find out who this Kobe was. Apparently he was a rapist. Picard then dropped his pants and told me to “Make it so!”  I ran out of the room and back to my place where my son was weeping.

Then came the hologram incident.

He asked me to meet me in the hologram. For training. When I got there he said “Computer play Barry White and lower the lights” I noticed he was in bed.  He appeared to be in a state of arousal. I said “I’m sorry Jean Luc but I can’t do this.” That’s when he said “Oh come off it Beverly. Don’t be a stick in the mud. Once you’ve had French you never go back.” When I went back to my quarters my son was weeping. He’s always weeping.

Believing that Picard’s harassment would not end until he was made an example of, Crusher immediately brought him up on charges.

Starfleet responded to the suit by issuing the following statement:

Starfleet takes allegations of sexual harassment very seriously. Almost as seriously as those little annoying Ferengis we are always shooting. We promise to investigate the charge thoroughly.

As for Captain Picard, he could be reached for comment. A spokesman for Picard stated that he was on vacation on Risa

Mm. Risa. The women here really know how to make it so.

Mm. Risa. The women here really know how to make it so.

getting  his freak on”  and is confident that the allegations will be quickly dismissed.

The final word was Dr. Crusher’s.

“I only want two things” she said.  “Justice. And for my son to stop weeping. I mean really. All the time. I don’t even bother asking why anymore.”


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