Islam is the religion of peace!

After its previous 12 members were blown up the NYPD has decided to place the bomb squad in charge of Muslim outreach.

“The number one mission of the New York Police Department is to reach out to Muslims and befriend them” said commissioner Bill Bratton.

We have many members of the Islamic faith community living within our borders. The overwhelming vast majority of Muslims want to live in peace with the infidel if possible. That’s where our outreach program comes in. We want to ensure that there are good relations between us.

The Muslim Outreach Division of the NYPD was started by Bratton when he returned to New York as the police commissioner under Mayor Bill de Blasio, replacing the emergency services, anti-gang, anti-organized crime and narcotics divisions.

We feel we didn’t need those divisions anymore. as crime is a thing of the past and now that we have a progressive mayor and a progressive president the root cause of crime, poverty, has disappeared.

Opened with much fanfare and accolades, the Muslim Outreach division did suffer from a few bumps in the road.

All the officers we sent to reach out to Muslims died. mostly from injuries sustained in unexplained explosions. How or why this kept happening we don’t know. Perhaps faulty wiring or a gas leak. But to suggest that Muslims were blowing up our officers is naked hatred and we will not stand for it.

Still, sensitive to images on the news of himself consoling weeping widows, Bratton decided a change must be made.

We cannot afford to lose any more fine officers. Unless we force them out because of hateful statements. And since the bomb squad is well-suited to deal with unexplained explosions from gas leaks or faulty wiring why not bring them into the outreach program?

Starting in August all members of the bomb squad unit will be assigned to Muslim neighborhoods to show Muslims that they need not fear the infidel.

Naturally with our detectives doing this it means that if a non-Muslim resident of New York sees a suspicious package they should call Con Ed. Or open it themselves. Or just ignore it. It’s probably nothing. If there are wires coming out of the package call an electrician. We’re busy you know. Outreach takes time.

One of the bomb squad detectives was then brought forward and asked how he felt about his new outreach assignment.

I’m a professional you know. I do the job that’s needed. My explosive ordnance disposal suit offers me maximum protection.  It has layers of Kevlar, foam and plastic to decrease the pressure of a blast wave. It overlaps sections of my body so I am totally protected. I also wear armor plates to ensure survival. By wearing this suit I am confident I can survive whatever the Muslims throw at me.

The officer in question was then immediately suspended for his hateful comments.

“How many times do we have to tell people Islam is the religion of peace before the public starts to believe us” said a frustrated Bratton.

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