Trees are racist

The Department of Justice today ordered the National Park Service to cut down all trees in Federal parks within two months or face fines of up to $200,000 per day for non-compliance.

“It’s a matter of social justice” declared Attorney General Loretta Lynch.

Our parks are filled with trees. Black people were lynched on trees. What sort of message does having trees send to black people? Why do you think black people congregate in cities?  Because there are few trees in cities. They can walk down the street without fear. But out in the country?  Forget it. Fear stalks the black man.

Carolyn Finney, diversity adviser for the US National Parks Board agrees with Lynch.

I’ve been saying this for years: Trees are a plot by the white man to keep the black man down. Oppression and violence against black people in forests and other green spaces can translate into contemporary understandings that constrain African-American environmental understandings. Yes. I’m serious.

Finney then went on to relate how she always felt uneasy watching the Wizard of Oz.

This white girl, Dorothy, goes traipsing through the forest with the lion. Why is the lion so afraid?  Why does the lion need courage? Because the lion is black! That white girl Dorothy purposely took the lion into the forest to frighten him. I’m just surprised the white girl didn’t lynch him after she used him sexually. Black people would like to go into the woods and eat apples but black people were lynched on trees. The trees are an intersectional symbol of white oppression.

Finney praised the Department of Justice’s new tree-chopping policy but stated that it doesn’t go far enough.

The entire concept of national parks is rooted in white privilege. Preserving wild spaces is a white concept going back to Rome. How do you think the Romans kept the Africans down? By preserving the African jungle. It all comes down to trees. The white person likes trees. So they plant them. Do you ever see a black man planting a tree? We ain’t got time for no white man’s hobby! What we need is more cities. More concrete. Black folk feel safe walking on sidewalks. Concrete sidewalks are intersectional.

Operation Tree Chopping Down will begin in July starting at Yellowstone National Park.

“This is painful for me” said National Park Service director Jonathan Jarvis.

I love trees. I really do. Then again I’m a white man. But I must follow orders. And who knows. If chopping the trees down makes our parks more inclusive that’s a good thing, isn’t it?  I believe in diversity. So I’m going to set an good example by personally chopping down the first tree at Yellowstone. And by doing this hopefully I’ll create a new paradigm that intersects the environment and racial justice.

The policy, while controversial, does have celebrity support.

Yogi Bear announced on his blog that he is happy to see the trees go.

We all know that joke “Do bears shit in the woods?”  Well we do. Do you know why? Because we’re black and we’re frightened by the trees! Hopefully with the trees gone my dysentery will vanish as well.

Jenny McCarthy wondered why it took so long for this policy to be put into place.

“Trees cause autism. Everyone knows that.”

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