Burn motherf*cker! Burn!

Long a regular fixture of Ashdown Forest, Winnie the Pooh’s behavior has begun to trouble residents.

“He was a very nice, um whatever he was” said Mrs. Lincoln, the proprietor of a local B&B.

He wasn’t the brightest person around. Rather naive. Slow-witted. A dolt actually. But occasionally he would show some common sense. I remember one time we were talking and he said, “You know I think transsexualism is a mental illness and has no scientific basis in biology.” Well that blew me away. Just goes to show you that maybe sometimes the slow-witted dolts are actually the brightest.

Pooh has collected a group of loyal friends including Christopher Robin, Piglet, Tigger and Eyesore and they were often seen around the forest getting into a series of adventures. The group was tolerated mainly because all agreed that they were harmless.

But lately things began to change.

“Winnie started reading the Koran, and once that happened he became distant from us” said a forest ranger.

I guess someone must have left their copy behind and Winnie picked it up. After that he was never without it. I would often come upon him and his friends sitting in a circle talking. One time I distinctly heard Pooh say, “But what would Allah want us to do?” and Eyesore responded “We must bring Sharia law to Ashdown and the Infidels must be subject to the will of the Prophet.”  When Winnie saw me he gave me the evil eye. I backed away slowly.

The Ranger took his concerns to authorities but was rebuffed.

The said I was racist and that England was a modern, multi-cultural society and what’s more Islam was the Religion of Peace. I then threatened to go to the local paper and talk to a reporter. For that I was fired from my job. Fired! All I was trying to do was keep Ashdown safe.

A female hiker tells of coming upon Pooh, Eyesore and Piglet one day.

They seemed nice at first. But then Pooh asked me if my clitoris had been circumcised. When I said no he brandished a knife while Eyesore and Piglet held me down. I thought it was all just role play. But then he started cutting into me and I felt the blood flowing down between my legs. I lost consciousness and when I woke up they had placed a burka on me and said that Allah demands modest women. Look I don’t want to criticize anyone’s religion but I wish I had my clitoris back. It empowered me.

Rumors began to swirl that Pooh and his friends were trying to acquire bomb-making materials.

“He brought his laptop in one day to have an anti-virus program placed on it” said the owner of a tech shop in Ashdown.

The first thing I noticed was that his top two Google searches were “Kim Kardashian’s butt” and “How to make a bomb to blow up infidels.” I took his laptop to the police and showed them what I found. They agreed that all those searches of Kim Kardashian’s butt were disturbing. But what about the bomb stuff I asked? I was warned that any criticism of the prophet could result in a fine. So I took the laptop and went back to my store. Last time I try to do the right thing.

The Board of Conservators of the Ashdown Forest Trust has released this statement on Pooh’s recent behavior.

“Winnie and his friends are long-time, cherished residents of the Preserve. While his behavior is troubling there is no evidence that Islam is responsible and as long as he doesn’t have a gun we have no legal basis for evicting him.”

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