Steve Urkel, another victim of Chicago’s crime epidemic

Local Chicago resident Steve Urkel was found murdered in Grant Park.

“It was the most brutal thing I’ve ever witnessed” said a detective on the scene.

I’ve been a cop for a long while so I’ve seen things. But nothing like this. It’s shaken pretty hard core police.  The body was absolutely brutalized. His head and torso had been severed. The body was in three parts. And it appears he had been raped as well.  Whether pre- or post-mortem the doctor will have to find out. I mean you talk about pupil dilation? Well we measured his anal dilation at the scene. Whoever, or whomever raped him was very large. This was an act of brutal rage, or as we call it in Chicago, another Saturday night.

Urkel was last seen at the house of his neighbor, Chicago PD veteran Carl Winslow (pictured here).

I did not kill Steve Urkel!

“Urkel had a thing for his daughter” said a neighbor who knew them both.

He was always dropping by wanting to talk to her. The kid was swimming out of his league. She was beautiful and he was, well, a nerd. The family tolerated him because frankly they though he was mentally ill. But after awhile it went from creepy to downright stalking. Like I said he was a nerd and once he learned computers he became dangerous. He kept sending her photos of his penis. Sometimes hundreds a day. Her father didn’t want to get a restraining order because he was worried it would hurt his career. He would often talk about “extra-legal” means of dealing with Urkel. In fact if anyone should be looked at as a suspect it’s Winslow.

Winslow denies any wrongdoing.

Hey I cared about the little annoying shit as much as anybody. I mean it would be different if I thought he actually had a chance with my daughter. Then I would have to kill him. But no. I didn’t kill him. I did not dismember, rape and dump the body in Grant Park. I mean, I ain’t answering any further questions until I talk to my union rep. Now if you excuse me I have to finish burning my house and moving to Mexico.

Authorities are also looking at former senator Bob Dole

Bob Dole did not murder Steve Urkel! Bob Dole was a friend of Steve Urkel!

as a potential suspect.  Dole, as expected, denies any involvement in the murder.

Bob Dole did not murder Steve Urkel. Bob Dole is tired of this crap. Bob Dole keeps being blamed for everything. Bob Dole was a friend of Steve Urkel. Bob Dole would not hurt him. Bob Dole only wants to hurt Germans and socialists.

As for Urkel’s funeral, the lead detective at the murder scene hopes it is a closed casket affair.

Oh sure I guess they could sew the three body parts back together. But they had better get the order right. I’ve seen it happen before. The funeral home sews a dismemberment victim back up the wrong way and his ass is facing forward and his head is on the bottom and his feet are on top.  Kinda interesting to look at once you got over the weird visual.

The Chicago PD promises a full investigation of the murder.

“We’ll get right on it. Right now most of the force is at the funeral home. They want to see if the coroner sews his ass on backwards.”

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