My Exclusive Interview with Ruby Rose (Yeah I Know I’ve Never Heard of Her Either)

I'm on television. Now give me my f*cking fries asshole!

I’m on television. Now give me my f*cking fries asshole!

What is a celebrity? In olden times there were only three networks and a handful of shows. To get on television was an accomplishment and one had to have talent. Now with the advent of cable that has changed. Thousands of channels and thousands of shows mean anyone can be a celebrity. You can even be a talentless, ugly gender-neutral self-identifying lesbian on a cable channel who feels entitled to throw food at restaurant servers.

And so I now present my totally not made up interview with the “celebrity” known as Ruby Rose.

MI:  Good afternoon Ms. Rose. May I call you Ruby?

RR:  Are you a celebrity?

MI: Does having my picture on a post office wall count?

RR: No.

MI: Then I guess I’m not a celebrity.

RR: Then you may not call me Rose. I must maintain my elevated station. And that means keeping a certain distance from the masses.

MI: Right. Let’s start at the top. You recently were thrown out of a restaurant in New Orleans for throwing food at the wait staff.

RR: Let me just say that I have huge love, respect and admiration for servers around the world.

MI: Really?  That’s interesting. I didn’t figure you as the technical type. What type of servers? Windows?  Linux?

RR: Food server you asshole.

MI: Oh, so you have the utmost respect for waiters and bartenders?

RR: Yes.


MI: Really?

RR:  Nah.  Just kidding. They are little people who have never been on television. As such they are not important. 

MI:  Is that why you threw the food in the restaurant in New Orleans?

RR: I’m a celebrity. When my entourage and I deem to grace a restaurant with our presence I expect immediate satisfaction. I do not expect to wait 40 minutes for my entrees. Do you know who waits 40 minutes for entrees?  Little people. Little people who aren’t on television. Little people who fly coach. Little people who have never had anyone ask them for an autograph.

MI: I see. And you’re – 

RR: On television.  

MI: Are you sure?

RR: Yes. Orange is the new Black. It’s quite a popular show. Billions around the globe watch it.

MI: Well I’ve never watched it.

RR: Then you must be backward, homophobic, transphobic and stupid.

MI: Hey! There’s no need to insult me. Now I see that you also identify as gender neutral.

RR: Yes. This is correct. Gender is a bourgeois construct with no firm basis in biology.

MI: Really?

RR: I’m on television. That means whatever I say is true.

[Manhattan Infidel pulls Ruby Rose’s pants down, revealing her vagina]

MI: You have female genitalia.

RR: Technically yes.

MI: So I guess you’re not that gender neutral after all.

[Ruby Rose becomes angry]

RR: F*ck you white man. Do you know what I have in my pocket?  Leftover french fries that I did not throw when I was at the Rebellion Bar and Urban Kitchen. I’m going to throw them at you now!

[She throws fries at Manhattan Infidel that miss him]

MI: You even throw like a girl. Not too gender neutral at that either, are you?

[She begins crying]

MI: I’m afraid we’re out of time. 

RR:  Will you be my daddy?

MI: No. Bye.

Well there you have it folks. And for those who want to read up on the so-called celebrity Ruby Rose’s culinary habits, here is the article.



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