I represent the common woman

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing actress, producer, blogger and former spouse of Cold Play lead vocalist Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow.

MI: Good afternoon Ms. Paltrow.

[Paltrow does not respond]

MI: Ms. Paltrow?

GP: Manhattan Infidel, do you believe in intimacy and energetic polarity?

MI:  I’m not sure. What does that mean?

GP: I believe that sex is more about energetic polarity rather than sexual technique and stamina.

MI: Um Okay.

GP: I haven’t been energetically polaric with anyone in a long while. Would you care to be intimate with me?

MI: Sure! I guess this is my lucky day. You know I am known for my sexual technique and stamina.

GP: Since when has that had anything to do with sexual pleasure?  As I said it’s all about energetic polarity. Now let’s consciously couple.  Prepare for energetic polarity!

[Paltrow starts to remove sex toys from her handbag]

MI: What…….what are you doing?

GP: Nothing brings about energetic polarity like sex toys.

MI: Okay. Usually I don’t use sex toys. I like to rely on my technique and stamina.

GP: What did I tell you about sex? Technique and stamina are not sex.

MI: What are those toys?

GP: It’s a leather whip for 575 dollars, 400 dollar nipple clamps, two vibrators totaling 300 dollars and my prize possession a solid gold dildo worth fifteen thousand dollars. I’m going to use all these on you.

MI: What?

GP: And then I’m going to send you a bill for using all the toys.

MI: I can’t afford that!

GP: Have you ever had your vagina steam cleaned?

MI: I don’t have a vagina!

GP: You should try it. Let me set up the steam cleaner.

MI: I told you I don’t have a vagina!

[Paltrow attached the steam cleaning suction cups to Manhattan Infidel’s midsection]

GP: I’ll just turn it on now.

MI: Wait!

[Paltrow turns on steam cleaner.  Manhattan Infidel screams in pain]

GP: Do you feel energetic polarity yet?

[There is a tearing, ripping noise]

MI:My testicles!  You just ripped off my testicles. My god my technique and stamina are gone!

GP: Don’t you feel cleaner?

MI: I feel lighter without my testicles.

GP: Now let’s get energetically polaric.

MI: I have no balls. You steam cleaned them off.

GP: Oh. So no energetic polarity?

MI: ‘Fraid not.

GP: Oh. Unfortunate. Well here’s the bill.

MI: I have no balls.

GP: If you can’t come up with the cash I’ll lend you money and you can repay me.

MI: I have no balls.

And so ended my interview with Gwyneth Paltrow. And my technique and stamina. I have no balls.

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