None of this means anything if I can’t get laid

It’s Friday and that can only mean that the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ is buzzing with excitement. Because there’s nothing we enjoy more than sitting in a bar at 3 am on a Friday night promising much younger woman free drinks if they would agree to come back to our place.  Oh come on honey.  It’s just around the corner. I have beer in my fridge.  Just touch it!  What the hell’s your problem?  Touch it!

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)

Because you are not as ego-driven as some signs you tend to hang back when you should be pushing your way to the front of the queue. This is why you have never known the touch of a woman.  That and your copious back hair. I mean come on dude. Are you a werewolf? Get yourself manscaped. And while you’re at it change your homepage at the office.When HR finds out about that Naked Asian Babes website you’ll be out of a job.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Sometimes things happen for no apparent reason. I mean sure that Aquarius at the bar next to you keeps talking about his back hair and asking to compare yours to his but it could be just a coincidence.  You haven’t stumbled upon a secret hangout for hairy-backed freakish men. And that “woman” who sat down next to you and seems interested?  Totally pre-op.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will thoroughly enjoy what happens today, even if others do not. This will be your defense at your trial. It was totally consensual. She just got a little freaked out by your selfie. Pro tip:  Buy her three drinks before sending her that picture of your penis.  You have to loosen them up first. Otherwise she’ll think you’re just an Aquarius geek with a hairy back.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Someone you live, work or do business with will find fault with some of the things that you choose to do today. Whether or not their comments are fair is beside the point (your back isn’t that hairy). The important thing is to buy that pre-op at the bar a drink before the Pisces does. You don’t want to be accused of being Cisgender normative do you?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

There is no point blaming yourself for events over which you have no control. Okay, maybe you had some control over what just happened. But let’s face it, pulling your penis out of your pants at a bar and letting people touch it for ten dollars is never a good idea. Besides, the pre-op at the bar has already done that and she has far less hair on her back than you do.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Have the confidence to try something different today, something that pushes back the boundaries of what you think of as possible. Maybe order a hard cider instead of a beer?  Or give that pre-op ten dollars to touch it. Either way it’s Friday night and it’s time to loosen up.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You are brimming with confidence at the moment. You had your back professionally shaved and that pre-op at the bar will let you touch it for free back at her place. It looks like things are finally going your way. Just watch out for the Aquarius at the end of the bar. He didn’t appreciate your joke about his back hair looking like a pony tail.

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22)

The Sun in one of the more sensitive areas of your chart tends to pour cold water on your plans but there is no need to feel bad about it.  So she’s going home with the Leo. There are plenty of pre-op fish in the sea. There are even apps you can download onto your phone to find one. Pro tip:  Shaving your back hair to spell out “I love cats” isn’t helping.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Don’t turn down a promising offer just because you are not sure you are up to the job. The pre-op wants to go home with you not the Leo. Look at the Leo. He’s disgusting. She wants you not him. No one will know you had sex with her.  That is until you post the photos on Instagram that is.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

Deep down you know you need to make changes. See that pre-op at the bar? Look at all the attention she’s getting. Perhaps you should begin hormone therapy and start your journey to self-identifying as a woman. Do you know how much pre-ops make in porn? You will finally be able to afford that new car!

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

What happens today will catch you off guard. Usually you’re the one who gets the pre-ops but it seems you have serious competition in this bar. Just flash some Benjamins and she will go home with you. And unlike last time she’s actually a pre-op not a hermaphrodite nor a post-op. Those freaks!

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Try to keep your more outrageous thoughts to yourself today. No one likes you. Your back hair makes gorillas envious and you certainly don’t have a chance in hell to pick up that pre-op. So just go home and clean the grout in your shower. You know you’re going to die alone anyway. You might as well have some dignity.  Besides, you will always have porn.

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