Courage! Thy name is Caitlyn.

Caitlyn Jenner, by all accounts the most courageous person the world has ever seen, accepted the Arthur Ashe Courage Award to the delight and acclaim of the packed crowed at the ESPN ESPY Awards ceremony.

Wearing a Versace dress that showed off his firm, yet supple breasts, Caitlyn strode to the stage to accept the award looking for all the world like a man without a care in the world.  His speech left many in attendance in tears.  As a service to my readers I now reprint in full the complete and accurate transcript of his speech:

All across the country right now, all across the world right now at this very moment there are people who remember me winning the Olympic gold in 1976 and are wondering “What the hell?”  Oh, and also there are young people coming to terms with being transgender.  Of course how someone could be transgender before they take female hormones I don’t know.

But back to what I was saying about my Olympic gold.  You’ve all seen the photos of me then. In my short shorts which I liked because I like showing off my legs.

Do you like my legs? I should shave them. Too hairy. Too manly. And that bulge! Oh!

Unfortunately they were nasty man legs.  Very  hairy.  Not like the silky smooth pair I have now. When I won that Olympic gold I remember saying, “I could have done even better, even faster if I didn’t have my man thing bouncing around between my legs.”

People tell me I am courageous.  Many have compared the courage I have shown by deciding to remove my male genitalia to the courage shown by Anne Frank when she was hiding from Nazis or the courage shown by fugitive slaves on the underground railroad.  And I have to agree.

I was thinking about Anne Frank.  I’m sure she was scared.  Scared because she was not allowed to be different.  Like I was scared that I’d have to conform to my body identity.  You know what could have comforted Anne?  If she had been allowed to be transgender.  I never saw her legs, which I assume were hairless. But if she had been allowed to practice gender fluidity she might have survived the war, become a man, had male genitalia and gloried in her hairy man legs. But Hitler and the Nazis would not let her alone.  

Could we not say that the Holocaust, and yes it killed some Jews, was really an attack on gender fluidity?

I was thinking about runaway slaves.  Boy they must have been fast.  In very good shape to escape the slave catchers. Unfortunately many were caught.  Could it possibly have been because they had male genitalia bouncing and chafing the inside of their thighs?  I’m sure that when they were caught and whipped they said to themselves, “One day I will be free.  And I will eschew my male genitalia that is responsible for my capture.  I will be gender fluid.”

Okay, so maybe they didn’t use the word, “eschew” with sounds too much like “escrow.” Speaking of escrow the money I’m making for my reality show is being held until I complete my reassignment surgery and amputate my penis and testicles.

Yeah, I still have my man stuff. What can I say?  I’m used to peeing standing up.

I also like sticking my penis in women.  But I’m transgender.  So now I will stick my artificial vagina in woman.  I”m not quite sure of the science behind that. I might have to ask that science guy.  You know. Bill Nye.

Where was I? Oh yes. Escrow. I need the money so I’ll have to say goodbye to my junk. Chop chop!  

In closing I’d like to thank you for giving me this courage award.

Dan Rather put it best.

Courage!

Good night.

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