This totally scientific hockey stick graph details the rise in global gayness

With the increasing number of public figures identifying as gay, coupled with the Supreme Court’s decision that gay marriage is legal throughout the United States, a growing number of scientists have started expressing concerns that “peak gayness” will be achieved much earlier than expected, perhaps as early as 2017.

“This has tremendous ramifications” said one scientist.

If you look at the history of the world and the periods of mass extinction they all have one thing in common:  a rise in homosexual behavior among animals.  For years we thought it was a meteor that led to the extinction of the dinosaurs.  But now our evidence points to an exponential rise in gay behavior among the horny beasts.

Other scientists point to the link between the rise in gayness and global warming.

As more and more people start having gay sex, temperatures will start to rise. Once temperatures rise people will have more gay sex.  It’s a vicious circle. And this will mean ocean levels will rise. The coastal areas will be underwater. It’s the freaking apocalypse man!  Just like when the fourth Doctor Who regenerated into the fifth Doctor Who.  The world wasn’t ready then and it’s not ready now. Why’s everyone looking at me like that?  The science is settled on this.  No you can’t arrest me.  I’m dead I tell you.  A safe fell out of a fifth floor window and killed me.  And if I had been wearing a good hat instead of a cheap Susquehanna hat I would have survived! Susquehanna!  Susquehanna!

High School football coaches warn that their sport will be hit hard by peak gayness.

“Look it’s difficult enough getting kids to try out for the team now” said one coach.

They would rather play video games. And their mothers won’t let them try out because they feel the sport is dangerous and keeping score is immoral. But now that teenagers are encouraged to be gay?  No one will play football. They’ll all be playing soccer.  If Patton were alive today he’d slap their faces.

Already measures are being taken to prevent a “gay apocalypse.”

“The first thing I do with my students is I show them a video of Kate Upton” said one teacher.

You know the time where she flew in the airplane in a bathing suit and was weightless for a few seconds?  That video.

Can Kate Upton’s breasts defeat the gay apocalypse?

My god! Her breasts! Firm.  Bouncing.  Defying gravity! I tell you if that doesn’t awaken heterosexual feelings then our planet is doomed.  I asked my wife to get breast implants after watching that.  She has since left me.  Took everything in the divorce settlement. But as long as I have that video to watch I’m content.

Buoyed by the success of the program, the government has launched “Operation Kate Upton” where videos of a weightless Upton will be shown to all men.

“The first person we showed that video to was Secretary of State John Kerry” said an officer with the Department of Homeland Security.

At first all he paid attention to was the beach ball. “This reminds me of the time I massacred an entire Vietnamese village with the guns from my swift boat” he said. But then he noticed Upton. He then squirted ketchup all over his hands and, well, what he did next was pretty disgusting. Some things seen can never be unseen.

With America’s debt at record levels and with resources limited, Operation Kate Upton will be limited to those groups thought to be savable.  The “irremediably gay” will be left out of the operation.

“The Episcopal Church, the WNBA and Richard Chamberlain will be left alone” according to sources inside Homeland Security.

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