13 Jul 15

Fat Man Sworn in as President!

Get in my belly America!

Now it is time for part four of my series on 2016 presidential candidates and their inaugural addresses. Today it is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s turn.

Note: At the request of the President-elect the inauguration was moved from the Capitol to a nearby Wendy’s.

My fellow Americans. I am please to [burp] sorry. Just my breakfast backing up. I had one of Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Wraps. And you know what else is delicious? America. That’s what’s delicious. Almost as delicious as the Baconator sandwich

Almost as delicious as America

I have in my hands. Now watch me eat it. Mm. Delicious. That’s what I’m going to do to America’s debt. I am going to pretend it’s a Wendy’s Baconator and I’m going to consume it. Yes. Much like a competitive eater at the July 4th hot dog eating contest on Coney Island I am going to eat as much of the debt as I can in four years without throwing up.

Now everything is not perfect. We face challenges abroad. ISIS remains a threat. But I have a plan to defeat ISIS. I am going to go through ISIS just like this hot and juicy quarter pound triple burger

Get in my stomach!

went through my stomach: Swiftly and with extreme prejudice. And them I’m going to convert ISIS into waste material and shit it out. Just like I am planning to do with the triple burger as soon as I can get to a bathroom.

Russia remains a threat. Putin is intent on recreating the Soviet Empire. Well, I’m not going to let him. I’m going to teach him a lesson and once I do his power will decrease. He will go down smooth, just like this rich and meaty chili.

You’re going down Putin!

Mm. That was delicious. Oh, do I have some chili on my face? Well I’ll just wipe it off. Just like I’ll wipe Putin’s power off.

And let’s not forget about Iran. My predecessor signed a deal that gave Iran nuclear weapons. Now no matter what you think of the deal, and I supported it like all Republicans did, Iran is still a threat. But since they follow the prophet and the religion of peace perhaps not that big a threat. I can deal with them like I dealt with this Bacon Cheese Baked Potato.

Iran might be a threat. We must be cautious

It’ll be smooth, simple, gentle and nonviolent.

But perhaps our greatest threat remains our internal terrorists. I am referring to the teabaggers, who claim to be Republicans but want small government and less taxes. And since when has the Republican party ever stood for that? I will be ruthless with the teabaggers. When I am finished with them I am going to eat an Asiago Ranch Chicken Club Sandwich

This is for me, not for you, teabaggers!

in front of them. Yes, they can watch me, representing big government, eat the sandwich while they starve. Pathetic teabagging bastards.

And finally let me address a few words to those who worry that our system of socialism cannot survive our debt. Yes, I believe in socialism. Like all politicians in both parties I believe socialism is compassionate. It would be wrong to cut back on redistributing the socialist benefits of our state just because we are in debt. Debt never hurt a socialist republic before. I promise that America will continue to feast on Strawberry Fields Chicken Salad,

This is for you America, courtesy of your Federal government. Thank you.

half size, not full.

Yes, I realize it’s not a burger, or chicken wrap, or chicken wings. But the point is America will still be getting stuff for free from the government. We’ll just have to raise taxes on the rich. No big deal.

So in closing I’d just like to say thank you America for electing me. Now excuse me while I go to the bathroom. Oh, that bacon cheese potato is coming out my back end now.