Why do the middle class need to fly?

Dateline Paris, France: December 2015

President Obama wowed the crowd at the annual United Nations Climate Change summit by promising to “end air travel as we know it.”

“I’ve heard the criticism of my allies in Europe” declared the sun-tanned, virile, handsome and masculine specimen of mankind that is our President.

They say I have abdicated America’s role as the protector and defender of the free world.  Naturally I would beg to differ.  And to show you that America still leads it is my pleasure to announce a new series of regulations just passed by our Environmental Protection Agency in America.

As the assembled world leaders waited in rapturous silence our brave President then outlined the regulations that will take effect regarding air travel.

We can all agree on one thing:  Climate change is the greatest threat to our world today.  Greater than the right wing terrorists in America and their allies in ISIS. And air travel contributes to global warming.  As such starting in 2017 under President Hillary Clinton all airliners will have to adapt stringent anti-pollution protocols.  No flights shall be allowed to last more than three hours.  Now I know this will affect flights over large bodies of water.  But I can assure you once our transcontinental jets are converted to seaplanes this will not be a problem.  They can simply land in the ocean and wait a couple hours for the air around it to get cleaner.  Naturally my Republican colleagues back in Washington think this is crazy.  But they are anti-science. Not like you and I.

The President, the smartest man in the room and indeed any room, then addressed concerns that the new regulations will increase the cost of flying dramatically and make it unaffordable for the middle class.

Naturally their will be some who will complain of this. Prices will increase. But it’s a small price to pay for saving our planet from doom and rising sea levels.  Besides, why do the middle class need to fly?  Where are they going?  To some low class theme park? Is this why they want the world to burn?  So they can ride on a water slide with their fat stomachs hanging out of their shirts while their fat children eat foot long hot dogs?  How gauche. They don’t need to fly.  Let them cling to guns and religion near their homes. It is time we experts stepped up and assumed control of our planet’s destiny.  We cannot allow the uneducated majority to threaten Earth any longer.

As they President closed his speech there were tears in the eyes of many attendees.

“This was the greatest speech ever from an American politician” said the French Prime Minister Manuel Valls.  “It will eclipse the Gettysburg Address.”

After a concluding seven-course dinner the participants then all left to go to their private planes for the flight home, encouraged by Obama’s words.

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