Hillary’s Firm, Erect, Throbbing Choices

Navy blue pants suit or sky blue pants suit?

Navy blue pants suit or sky blue pants suit?

I like to read so when former First Lady, former Senator from New York, former Secretary of State and future 45th President Hillary Rodham Clinton released her 650 page memoir I had to scoop it up.

I spent the entire night in an alley shooting up reading this fascinating tale of power, intrigue and betrayal and I’d like to share what I think are some of its more memorable passages.

On her first meeting with the future and former President Bill Clinton

I was in the college library.  I spent a lot of time in the library because I like to read. And that’s where I picked up most of my women.  Anyway I saw this man staring at me.  I walked over and I berated him, saying, “I don’t like penises.  They oppress me.”  And he said “My penis has overcome.”  We bonded because of our progressive, elite humor.  Then he took my number and said he’d call.  It was then that I realized that I loved that bad boy.  Why? I’m an enlightened, accomplished feminist who doesn’t need the patriarchy.  Why do I love bad boys so much?

On the birth of her daughter Chelsea

I wanted a career but because of ingrained societal pressures I was forced to marry that bad boy, Bill.  Oh god how I love him!  We had sex.  I became pregnant.  I thought of aborting the seed but Bill was foresighted.  He said, “No.  I need to triangulate the right wing vote.”  So I kept his seed.   I went into labor.  I could feel my vagina stretching.  I cried out in pain, “Bill what have you done to me?  I’ll never let you touch me again!’  He took that to mean he could have sex with other women. I should have said no.  Here I was an accomplished career woman and I could not say no to my husband. See how a male-dominated society keeps me down!

On Bill Clinton winning the presidency in 1992

The returns started to trickle in and it became clear that my husband would win.  I started to worry about our daughter Chelsea.  Would she be psychologically damaged by the thought of a male president? I expressed my concerns to Bill who took me by the hand and led me into a private office.  He then pulled down his pants and said, “It’s all about the penis, stupid” and made me service him.  I fought back tears as I performed this unpleasant task.  Here I was, a highly accomplished career woman and I was reduced to this?  I should be president!    Oh god how I love that bad boy!  I just can’t say no.

On Monica Lewinsky

My husband, being a man, cannot help but be a serial predator of women.  I felt humiliated when the scandal broke.  I became concerned as to how this would affect Chelsea.  Would she be psychologically damaged by all this talk of fellatio? She’s an attractive, accomplished teenager.  How will she react to seeing her accomplished mother humiliated by men less accomplished than she is?  I should be mad at Bill for what he has put us through, but god I love him.  I just can’t stay angry at him.

On the Bin Laden raid

It’s sad how a male-dominated society feels the need to kill other people.  This would never happen if women ran the world, which I hope to do one day.  Still, I can’t help admire how manly and determined President Obama is.  Even though he isn’t as accomplished as I am, I feel safe and warm around him.  He’s so clean and articulate.  Not like that filthy bad boy I married. Does this pants suit make me look fat?  Bill likes junk in the trunk.

On being elected the 45th President

I can’t wait for January 20th, 2017 when I am sworn in.  Finally an accomplished woman such as myself will show the world what happens when we are in charge and not men.  Naturally my being sworn in depends on being elected first but I am not worried about that.  Once the American voters see how accomplished I have been in my life they will have no choice but to vote for me.  Should I wear the navy blue pants suit or the sky blue pants suit at the inauguration?   I want to look good for Bill.  He completes me.

It truly is an accomplished memoir.  Well, it accomplished one important feat:  It cured my insomnia.

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2 Comments

2 Responses

  1. Bob Agard says:

    Linked here: http://bobagard.blogspot.com/2014/06/shes-accomplished.html

    Please, not the sky blue pants suit!

    do you know about this publishing website: https://www.libertyislandmag.com/
    I can see them publishing your next book.

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