Executive Order Creates New Department of Feline Education

Why do Republicans want cats to be ignorant?

Why do Republicans want cats to be ignorant?

President Obama today issued a sweeping executive order creating the Federal Department of Feline Education.

“America faces perhaps no greater threat than feral cats mired in the vicious cycle of poverty” declared the President in a Rose Garden ceremony.

Many are familiar with the tragic case in New York City where signs were placed in the Gateway National Recreation Area warning felines that they cannot live in cat colonies on Federal property.  Because of the high illiteracy rate among feral cats many could not read the sign resulting in the colony being tragically killed by a SWAT team.  Americans are a compassionate people.  I’m sure they would agree with me that no problem is intractable.  We must teach cats to read so this never happens again.

Under the executive order the Department of Feline Education will be given a budget of 800 million a year and have a workforce of 4,000.  Department employees will fan out across the United States looking for feral cats.  When one is found the Department will have the right of eminent domain to seize whatever property the cats reside on.  The owners will be fined until they can prove that they are not responsible for the cat’s illiteracy.

Said the President:

Studies have shown that cats who are unable to read cannot function as adults. Many of them have trouble finding work.  Many sink into alcoholism and drug abuse. Just think if all the feral cats in Appalachia could read how it would improve the quality of life in that area. And now that coal has been banned they can lead longer lives as well.

Obama then recited some statistics.

  1. Cats who are illiterate are more likely to get feline aids.
  2. Illiterate cats have a higher percentage of out of wedlock births.
  3. Cats such as these are more like to watch Fox news.

Standing next to the President as he made his announcement was famous celebrity cat, Morris (pictured here), spokescat for Nine Lives.



“Morris will now tell us about his rise from poverty, helped in no small part by Federal funding of the ‘No Cat Left Behind Act.’ “ said Obama

As Morris adjusted his reading glasses those in attendance waited to hear his inspirational story.  Instead Morris seemed confused as the speech was handed to him.

“Maybe he can’t read” joked a reporter.

It was then that Morris lunged at him and sank his claws into the reporter’s wrist.

As the injured reporter was led away President Obama warned those in the Rose Garden.

Never underestimate the power of Feline Rage.  After all why shouldn’t they be angry.  Their basic rights are being trampled on.  The reporter acted stupidly and it is time for an honest discussion of human-feline relations.

In addition to the extensive cat literacy program the President also announced that cats will be registered to vote.

The Republican majority in Congress had better fund this new initiative or they will have to explain to their constituents why they want to keep cats in poverty.

It is expected that the newly-registered cats will vote overwhelmingly Democratic.


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