Drop the ice cream cone now motherf*cker! You’re going down little boy!

Tragedy struck the small town of Pleasant Valley New York today as a SWAT team member was injured while taking down a six-year old boy.

Sources report that the trouble started when Billy Donaldson, a town resident was eating an ice cone on the curb in front of his house.

“We had reports of a 1019 – -that’s unauthorized use of an ice cream cone” said the town’s chief of police.

Naturally we responded in force.  It’s our job you see to defend and protect the public.  Sure we could have sent one officer over in his car to talk to the boy, but what good would that have done?  What message does that send? I’ll tell you the message it sends:  We in Pleasant Valley condone eating ice cream cones in public, without a permit from the town.

Once it was ascertained that the child posed a threat it was decided to send a fully armed SWAT team to arrest the suspect.

We kept our sirens off because we didn’t to alert Billy of our presence.  And we didn’t want to frighten any residents.  But once we turned the corner and had him in our sights we could see the ice cream cone in his hand.    The situation was fast becoming dangerous.

Piling out of the van the SWAT team ran towards the boy shouting “Put down the cone now motherf*cker!”

We’ve found that talking loudly and using obscenities helps with law enforcement. They’ve done studies on it.  The science is settled motherf*cker.

The suspect, or “perp” appeared frightened and confused by the approaching heavily-armed officers.  After disobeying repeated commands to drop the ice cream cone the team opened fire. Within seconds it was all over. The suspect was cut in half by the hail of bullets.

While we regret the loss of life we have a responsibility to protect this town from terrorist threats.  Who knows where that ice cream cone came from?  It might have been a cleverly disguised IED.  I’ve read that the enemy has developed ice cream cone bombs.  In any event I will be travelling to a conference in Washington to find out more about this.  If it wasn’t an IED then at the very least the perp was eating in public without a permit from from the town, which is immoral.

After the shooting was over the perp’s mother ran outside screaming, “My boy!  What have you done to my boy!”

We subdued her at first.  We didn’t know if she was part of the conspiracy or not. That’s when we entered the home and confiscated the ice cream in her freezer. She shouldn’t have a freezer anyway.  Doesn’t she realize freezers lead to global warming?

The distraught mother has sued the town for the wrongful death of her son.

“We’ll probably work something out with her” said the mayor.

We might forgive her parking tickets or give her a discount for a cleaning service.  I mean there’s still an awful lot of brain matter all over the walls of the house.  That’s going to be expensive to clean up.

In a related note, the EPA plans to sue Mrs. Donaldson.

“There is a puddle in her back yard every time it rains” said an EPA official.  “Eventually it’ll dry up.  I don’t think she is taking seriously her responsibility to preserve the puddle.”

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