Budget Tips From Hillary Rodham Clinton

Over budget?  What difference does it make?

Over budget? What difference does it make?

Budgets. We all have to make them and follow them.  At the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we follow very strict budget:  Thirty dollars a week for food, 300 dollars a week for hookers and 400 a week for ointments, creams, gags, whips and assorted “funsize” toys.  And we all know what happens when one goes over budget:  Take a cash advance and go further into debt.

With that in mind recently former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was quoted that she was “dead broke” when she and her husband left the White House.  I recently had a chance to sit down with the distinguished and accomplished former first lady, senator and secretary of state.

MI: Good afternoon Madame Secretary of State.

HRC: Good afternoon whoever you are.

MI:  I’m the Manhattan Infidel.

HRC: Of course you are.

MI: I want to ask you about some comments you made recently.  You were quoted as saying that when you and President Clinton left the White House you were “dead broke” and had to budget yourselves.

HRC: Yes this is true.  As you know my husband, the former President Clinton, as opposed to me the future President Clinton was the subject of an expensive witch hunt by sex-hating Republicans.  We had major legal expenses which drained all our income.  We could barely pay our bills.

MI: Bills?  But weren’t you living rent-free in the White House for eight years?  I’m assuming you didn’t pay the utility bills for the Executive Mansion.

HRC: Your question comes from a position of white privilege and will be ignored. Now, back to my point, Bill and I were broke when we left the White House and had to economize.

MI: How did you do that?

HRC: There are many ways to save money that are quite easy.  For instance I had my chauffeur pay for gasoline.  It seems only fair.

MI:  But couldn’t you have saved more money by not hiring a chauffeur in the first place?

HRC: Your question is sexist.  May I give your readers more tips on how to economize?

MI:  By all means do.

HRC: Here’s one example.  When flying cross country on a private jet to get to a speaking engagement, always tell the people at the airport that your extra bags belong to your personal assistant. That way you don’t have to pay.

MI: I see.  But couldn’t you have saved money by just flying coach on a regularly scheduled flight?

HRC:  What?  You’re a member of the press.  I assumed I was talking to one of the elite.  You’re very clever Manhattan Infidel in trying to turn my words against me. But the American people are tired of your partisanship.  Now if you’ll let me I’ll give you some other examples of how to save money

MI: Go ahead.

HRC: When as an average American you are at a speaking engagement always get it in your rider that the venue provides the bottle of Chateau Lafite, 1787, which as you know goes for around 185,000 dollars a bottle.  You don’t want to pay that do you?  So have the people who asked you to speak and are giving you 200,000 dollars to do it pay for it.  You see.  A very simple step all Americans regardless of race, class or elite affiliation can do.

MI: I see.

HRC: One other thing.  When buying a mansion in Westchester County,  New York for a few million always get your contacts in the government to declare it a landmark or at the very least get them to agree that it is your office.  That way it’s tax exempt.

MI: Okay.

HRC: These steps can be followed by all Americans, like you Manhattan Infidel.  How did you get here to interview me?

MI:  I took the MetroNorth train to Westchester.

HRC: Why not a limousine driven by a chauffeur who has agreed to pay for the gas? 

MI: Um, because I’m broke.

HRC: It’s your mansion isn’t it?  You foolishly didn’t get your contacts in the government to lower the taxes on it.

MI: I rent a studio in Manhattan.

HRC: Are you trying to embarrass me again with your Republican partisanship that all Americans are tired of?

MI: No. I’m simply telling the truth.

HRC: And what is truth?  I wash my hands of your fate.  This interview is over.

MI: Can I at least hang around another hour?  Because by then the off-peak fares will have taken effect and I’ll save eight dollars on my ticket.

HRC: You’re budgeting myself.  I respect that.  Now get the hell out of my mansion, er, I mean my office before I have one of the Secret Service agents that I don’t pay for shoot you.

Regardless of political party, I think that all Americans can agree with Hillary Rodham Clinton that we should tighten our belts and live within our means.


1 Comment

One Response

  1. Bob Agard says:

    It sounds like your interview went really well. What is your secret?

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